I need some positive vibes - sabotaging myself

Nicole T.
on 3/1/08 8:36 am
I guess today I need some positive vibes from you guys. You are so positive that I need some of that. I've spent my whole life fat and have learned how to keep myself fat even when I am eating well. The last couple times I've attempted to lose weight, after about 30 lbs lost, I would sabotage myself, go back to eating badly and gain all the weight back and more. So now here I am, had the surgery and so far, things are going well. My appetite is low but my head hunger is high. I've resisted almost all head hunger up to this point but have been afraid of it's power. Especially once my stomach can hold more food. I don't have dumping and I can eat carby foods, as long as i don't eat too much and feel fine. I've already figured that out. So this past week, I've been back to work. My boss has been evil to me all week and I even had to travel to new hampshire yesterday for a project. It has stressed me out, making me feel trapped in this job I don't like, in a career that doesn't make me happy. Now these feelings aren't new but my way of dealing with them in the past is not available. I can't eat until I become comatose. But I sure want to. I want to feel less lost. Yesterday I ate the following: egg panini sandwich (1/2 of it) sandwich from quiznos (1/2 of it just the insides, the other half with the bread) yogurt This morning I gained a pound. I really feel like I screwed up. Maybe I am overreacting but when I saw the number go up, it felt so horrible. I felt like I was losing my chance and I will never lose this weight. I will be trapped in this body the rest of my life. I am so scared. I don't want to be fat anymore. Today I am doing better but what do I do to stop this surgery from failing. Are there any secrets that i don't know about. I don't want to be the few who don't lose the weight.   So I guess I need a couple of you to say it's all going to be alright. you went through this and you were able to overcome it and lose the weight. I know, I'm weird.  any response would be good. thanks. 
mom24girls
on 3/1/08 9:59 am - Essex, MD
Nicole,        I can feel your frustration through your words. I am so very sorry that work sucks that much for you.  Might be time to look for a new job. No job is worth destroying your health. Also, my Dr said DO NOT go by a home scale.  because even the top of the line scales are inaccurate. Especially just by a few lbs. If I weigh my self I will weigh 5 different weights a day. And I have a pretty expensive scale.  I felt the same way a few weeks ago. It was happening quick enough, it was never going to happen to me, I would be the ONE person who this surgery didn't work for etc. I think those are pretty common thoughts.  I think it is great that you are recognizing this and reaching out.  It may be a good idea to discuss this with your DR. too.  I want to say also that whats done is done, don't beat yourself up over it. Just move forward.

Dianne

Cira S.
on 3/2/08 4:22 am - Charles Town , WV
You know you are only one month out from surgery and I can totally understand your frustration.  I want you to know that you must take baby steps in this journey.  It is a tool that you have been given and all you have to do is use it.  Remember you did this for you and you deserve the very best. As for being at work and having major frustrations I suggest you buy healthy protein snacks to keep at hand so when you get the urge to eat you can snack on a high protein snack.   When  was one month out I focused on protein shakes and protein snacks and lots of fluids.   I am glad you came here and posted. We are here for you and if you need to vent or just chat or ask a question just fire away.    You are very early out and you have enough time to make all this work.  All you have to do is convince yourself that you are worth having the very best. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))

I am who I am and accept my feelings wholeheartedly.
Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.

Cira 249/144.0 current/goal 154/ 5'3" 10 lbs below my Dr's goal
100Cira-1.jpg picture by negra266

(deactivated member)
on 3/6/08 6:21 am - Leonardtown, MD
You may not realize it but you're already half way there to winning your battle.  To me, the first step is to recognize the problem.  You've done that.  You obviously handle your stress by eating.  Maybe you need to focus on another way to handle it???  Have you considered going back to the person who did your psych eval?  It could help.  I've followed up a couple times to talk about my progress and problems I've had. I think the second step is to realize that there are other folks out here going through the same thing as you and reach out to them.  You've done that too.  I find that most everybody on this board is an inspiration to me... including you!  Nobody ever said this was going to be easy so I hold everybody here in very high esteem. Can I tell you that you're going to be alright?  No.  I'm not sure anybody here is officially qualified to do that.  But, you've only been out a short time so I thinking you're probably fine.  You body is getting used to the new calorie intake and at some point will start letting go of the pounds.  I started slow and then the weight lierally fell off to the tune of about one pound per day for a couple months.  You'll get there too. I also have a couple suggestions for you: 1. A lot of the time when you feel hungry, you're really thirsty.  Try drinking a protein shake if you are outside a normal meal.   2. I don't really eat any bread (or pasta) at all these days and suggest you not either.  Give up those sandwiches or, like you say, eat only the insides (if there is some worthwhile protein inside). 3. Add as much exercise to your daily routine as you can tolerate.  Then, add a little more the next day.  4. I might seek an appointment with your Nut if I was you.  Maybe they would have additional words of wisdom. Good luck in your journey and keep us posted. --Eric
Kathy T.
on 3/6/08 10:52 am - Rosedale, MD
Nicole, you've done great! Don't let the scale guide you. Water weight comes and goes. As time goes by, you'll find more and more things that you can eat, and might even like to eat. I agree with Eric's post, you might want to forego the bread, or find alternative types of bread for those days you just gotta have it. I found sprouted wheat bread at Trader Joes that is low in carbs, gluten free, and has 5gr protein per slice. So, one slice of PB toast is 10gr protein for me. Other breads have gone into my pouch and felt like lead balls. My nut told us at the bypass class not to do bread for the first 6-12 months, since it gets gummy in the pouch. She was so right.  I wish you peace at work. It sounds like you just can't catch a break there. Your boss seems on the eternal PMS ride. You don't deserve the additional stress, when things in your life outside of work are just getting better and better.
Hugs!
Kathy
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