No real reason for posting other than I am hoping to let go of this guilt

Its Monday, Lunch time, I sit here after a relatively happy weekend except for the fact that my brain wont let go of this horrible guilt I feel left over from Friday. I did the lunch run for work, Pasta. Ofcourse I got chicken alfredo. Then as if that werent enough I found a candy bar in my desk and ate the entire thing over the course of 2 hours. It wasnt a regular bar but one of those huge ones from hershey park 640 calories. I will say it was fabulous but I am so full of regret because I cant really undo that damed candy bar. As I was eating it I actually siad to myself why? I even answered bcause I want it and because I can. Man I gotta stop this dumb train Im riding. I freaked last month when the Docs scale showed me up 3 pounds...which made 205. I had gotten down to 197 but for the last 9 months I had been "playing with" 3 pounds. but now its 8. Could have been 300 for the way I reacted. I see Doc Roe on Friday and as of this minute I just dont know if I can. I know that if I ignore it it wont go away but I dont know if I can face it either. SOmetimes I still hate me ALOT!!! Diana RNY 9/17/03 360/205

Diana, Oh my, I'm so sorry that your at the place you are, but please don't hate yourself. You need to learn to love yourself and see all of your wonderful qualities, not just the negative things that you do at times. You are not weak, you are strong, for you have already won the war, it's just the small everyday battles that you have to face now. Food is comfort for us all...that's what gets us into this mess. Instead of hammering yourself and all of this self hatred, how about thinking about all of the progress that you've made. All of the foods that you have given up and all of the miles that you've walked to get you to this point. I can tell that you are way to hard on yourself. You made a bad decision, we've all been there. Please remember that it WAS a bad decision but you have many more opportunities to make good choices. Please know that you have a lot of friends here that are here to support you. Girl, you have lost 155 lbs....that's a WHOLE person, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of and you deserve a little credit. Smile girlfriend, it will all work out. I suggest that you get a great therapist and work on your self esteem...we all need that after being heavy. We all need to know that we are beautiful, special and loved. I have a great therapist that I've been working with and if you would like to talk with him, I would gladly share his name/number with you. Smile!!!!!!! Debbie

Diana, You have to let go of it and move on. Yes, it was a mistake with consequences, but you've obviously realized your mistake and you can't keep beating yourself up about it. Seriously, love yourself if only for the fact that you've worked so hard and come from 360 to 205. That's amazing and you CAN keep going, you WILL keep going. Don't wait until Monday, don't even wait until tomorrow, start new today and go into Dr. Roe's office on Friday and be honest. Say "I messed up, I learned my lesson and I'm back on track". Just out of curiousity, why did you even have the candy bar in the first place? It might help you to do a "spring cleaning" of other areas that might contain temptation? At some point, we all have or will cheat sometimes, you are not alone in this. However, in comparison, cheating with a bite sized candy bar or cheating with a huge 640 calorie candy bar, are 2 very different ends of the spectrum. So I can understand why you feel so guilty, but I think you deserve a little more credit for how far you've come in this process. Try focusing on that, let it be your motivation and learn from your mistake. Best of luck to you, Roni

Don't feel guilty, Diana, it doesn't do any good and we can't rool back the clock and undo things. Use it as a learning experience and as motivation to make better choices in the future. And remember, treats are fine in moderation. Hugs, Tracy

Hey Diana Hope you are doing better! There is so much that I can relate to. I can't eat the pasta .. it still makes me ill .. which is a good thing, but I can get into the candy and unfortunately unless I REALLY over do it, I don't get sick. I'm up 7 to 8 pounds from what was my 'lowest' last year but I'm really within a pound of where I was this time last year, which is a good thing .. BUT .. I'm still 35 pounds above my ideal weight and that still makes me 'overweight' .. Concentrate on the positive and get back on the bus girlie! ( easy for me to say while I frantically run after it trying to get with it too). Hugs, Mo