First Year Reflections - Long!!!

Well, one year ago today, I was probably complaining because I was thirsty. I wasn't scared as I prepared for surgery, at least until we were on our way to the hospital. My brother, Kaity & Brian called to wish me luck and tell me they loved me and I lost it toward the end of the call. Other than that, I don't remember being nervous, I was just so ready to start my new life. As I try to approach most situations with humor and sometimes sarcasm, I remember telling the OR staff as I walked in that I had shaved my legs for them!!! They were so appreciative! They gave me some loopy juice, and I remember talking and then WHAM! NOTHING! The next thing I knew, the great Dr. DVR was telling me that it took a little longer than anticipated because I had some scar tissue from my gallbladder removal in 90 that took some extra work on his part. He assured me that he was still able to do it lap - THANK GOODNESS! My surgery was basically complication free, although I did develop a reaction to the heparin, and DVR said it was kind of an allergic reaction that I would have to be careful of for the rest of my life. I hated having the drain tube in, that was the worst. Its positioning caused me a lot of pain until its removal 10 days later. But I went in on a Tuesday, came home on Thursday, was walking around Target on Friday, at the mall on Saturday and at the movies on Sunday!! What more could you ask for? I was glad once the first month was over - once I got through that, it was pretty much a breeze!!! The ongoing period from hell has been NO FUN, but my docs are working on it! So much has changed, I'll try to be succinct, but you know me, so be patient! The biggest thing is - I've gone from 370 pounds to 235, hoping for another 50-60, and plastics will probably help with another 20. Whoever thought this was the easy way out is NUTS!!!!! MEDICAL HISTORY: Preo-op, my bp was 190/110 w/meds, I was borderline insulin resistant, probably well on my way to diabetes, I had GERD and was on medication, I had IBS w/diarrhea and knew the location of every bathroom in Baltimore! I was stressed, depressed and on Effexor XR. I also had sleep apnea, and was constantly tired - I'd fall asleep at my desk, in traffic, sitting still, etc. I had no energy, could sleep for 10-12 hours and not feel rested, my joints ached, I sweated just thinking about moving, etc. Post-op, I'm off all my meds except for the Effexor, which contributes to the wellness of my co-workers!!! I don't have GERD, IBS or sleep apnea, my bp is 120/70 off meds, my joints don't ache, I have more energy (most times) than I know what to do with, and thankfully, I don't sweat nearly as bad!! CLOTHING: While I was always a "clothes horse," I'd like to think that I'm now a "clothes pony!" I LOVE clothes, purses, accessories, etc., but always tried to dress very conservatively, in all one color, so I could blend in. Like a 370 pound woman could blend in anywhere, right. Now, I find that my tastes have changed in clothing, and while I still am mostly conservative, I try to wear more colors (YES, MOM, YOU WERE RIGHT!!!) I've rediscovered the joy of dressing up again in more form-fitting clothes. I used to wear big, clunky tennis shoes that cost $$$$$!!! Now, I wear cute sandals that don't kill my feet, even after I walk for hours. I have new tennis shoes that are still kind to my bunions, but don't look like expensive shoe boxes. I've gone from a size 34 dress to a size 20, from a size 30/32 pants to 18/20, in tops, depending upon the cut, fabric, etc., I've gone from a 34/36 to an 18/20, 22/24, again, depending upon different factors. I've gone from an 11 W shoe to a 9-10 W, depending on the style, cut, etc. A bathing suit is not the trauma it used to be - in fact, I need a new one, the girls are falling out of the size 28 that I have!!! SOCIAL: I used to always say, "I'm claustrophic, I can't sit in a booth!" BULL!! I wasn't claustrophic, I just didn't want to NOT fit. Now, I fit in any kind of booth, and I don't have to get snotty with the restaurant hostess when she leads me to a booth. There were some restaurants that I simply could not frequent because of the seats. I could always fit in movie seats, just not comfortably. Now, I can go to the oldest theaters and fit just fine. Same thing with bus seats, I was always worried about squashing the person next to me, bus bathrooms, too. Ever try holding it for a 4 hour ride to NYC?? No more!!! I don't immediately scope out the seating arrangements where I go, hoping I won't break the chairs. Especially those little resin lawn chairs. Who designed them? Garden gnomes???? Some things shouldn't be made, regardless of someone's size. Last year, I couldn't/wouldn't climb the ladder to my brother's pool - this year, you can't keep me out. I wouldn't chance amusement park rides, much to Kaity and Brian's dismay, because I was so afraid I'd be asked to get off. Not this year - we rode everything, and are planning a trip to Hershey Park in October. I've been there, but never rode the rides. I also don't feel the need to crawl into a hole at a social gathering. Again, I always wanted to blend in, but that was impossible at 370!!! Now, I wear nice clothes, try to be charming and make conversation. I don't always think that the conversation has stopped because the fat girl walked in. I just try to put a smile on my face and laugh. I don't worry that when I'm out, some nasty little kid (or adult), will make some comment about my weight. Several times, I was forced to say, "And you're ugly!!!" or, "Yeah, I'm fat because I eat little kids!" Although I do still say that I love kids, especially with chocolate sauce!!!! ROMANCE: Well, unfortunately, there's none of that, and I'm ready to start dating again. This time though, hopefully, I'll only have to wonder if the man thinks I'm pretty, not try to ignore that look of disgust on his face. I'm lookin', but really don't have a clue where to find Mr. Right - although I have met Mr. Rude, Mr. Cheap and Mr. Married!!!!!! SELF-ESTEEM: This is a HUGE issue - no pun intended. While my Mom always told me I was pretty, I never believed it. All I saw when I looked in the mirror was FAT! No matter how well I applied my makeup, did my hair, my nails, or how nicely I dressed, I was still the FAT girl that no one would ever want. I even married a man in 1988 who, although I loved, I knew I was settling because I was afraid that no one would ever love me and I'd be alone. He was an abusive alcoholic, and I knew on my wedding day that I should NOT have married him. Again, I was so afraid of being alone. And I AM alone now, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I have wonderful parents, my brother is my best friend, and my life would be so empty without my niece and nephew, Kaity and Brian, who are truly children of my heart. They have added so much to my life, and they never saw my FAT, they just knew that their Tia loved them more than anything in the world. But now, I'm able to do more with them and for them - they truly make my life worth living. I also have wonderful friends, both on and off this boad. I can't say that my self-esteem has improved overnight - you can't erase 38 years of thinking all at once. Although I believe I'm okay looking, it's still weird looking in the mirror - I still see the 370 pound woman - not the healthier person I am now. This is going to be an ongoing internal struggle for me. Some reaffirmation from the opposite sex would probably help, but I know most of it has to come from within. Again, an ongoing struggle. Well, there is so much else that has changed, I could go on and on, but I won't (I know, Thank Goodness!) Thanks to all of you for your constant support. I'm so lucky to have met all of you - Terry, Mo, Faye (and Annabanana), Tracy (change that picture, girl!!!), Karen Duncan (where are you, girl?), and everyone else who humors me and supports me and laughs at my sometimes stupid jokes. I have been blessed with the most wonderfully supportive family. My Mom, who has been my biggest supporter, and who put up with my emotional, hormonal outbursts during my recovery, my Dad, for being my chauffeur until I could drive post-op, my brother, Gary, who is truly the best brother/friend a girl could have, Kaity and Brian, without whom life would not be worth living, and Molly the Beagle, for her nightly runs around the coffee table to welcome me home. My bgf Lisa, who has been my bf since we were 15 - for always thinking I'm beautiful and for making me part of your family!!!! I can't tell you whether or not to have the surgery, it's something intensely personal that only you can decide. But for me, my life has changed so wonderfully, my only regret that I didn't have this surgery 15-20 years ago. Even if I don't lose another pound, (BUT I BETTER), I'm happier and healthier than I ever thought I would be. DR. DAVID VON RUEDEN, YOU ARE TRULY A BARIATRIC GOD!!! Thank you for your support, your intelligence, your kindness, laughing at my jokes and your skills and talents. You and your staff are wonderful - we make a great team, and you've SOOOOO improved the quality of my life. Any time I can get you out of a speeding ticket, just let me know!!!!!! HUGS & SMOOCHIES TO ALL OF YOU! Teresa (TIA)

Wow!!! you've left me speechless (or is that typeless???) I've read lots of reflections over the last 2 1/2 years of being around the OH boards and yours ranks right up there with the ones that are just WOW !!!!! Love & hugs, Mo

Thanks Mo! As usual, I had much more to say, but overkill, ya know? I've kind of played around with the idea of writing a (small) book, but so many are doing that, again, overkill. Besides, there are so many people already published about this topic that I'm not sure I could add anything more. Thanks again! You're so sweet!!!! Tia

Tia, thank you for taking the time to put some thoughts into words....Although I am almost post op 2.5 yrs, your writing helped me remember all the weight I have lost. This morning I was feeling a wee bit disappointed...I am up 2 lbs..yeah I know, 2 lbs..but that is how I stay honest with myself....and even if I never get those 2 lbs off, which I know I will, I am still successful!!! I too am a clothes "pony" and you made me realize how far we have all come because of WLS AND OUR HARD WORK. Thanks for making my day...and btw, congrats to a HIGHLY successful first year - may you experience many more. RAE

Thanks, Rae!! Thanks for your kind words and your indulgence of my long-windedness!!! If you read any of my posts, you'll see that I tend to go on and on.....and ON! I've neglected to do anything to my profile, in part, because I'm not the most computer literate person, but I decided to at least print out my post and keep it somewhere accessible. I never want to forget what it was like, although I don't think there's much chance of that! Like I said, you don't erase and can't forget 38 years of MO!!! Congrats on your success, too!! I, too, feel like if I never lose another pound (God forbid!) I'm still a success because I've obviously lengthened my life! Thanks again, knowing we're all in this together helps immensely. If you can, please feel free to join us on 8/6 for our get-together. If you can't, keep watching, because we'll try to move it around to accommodate others. Tia

When and where do you meet??? I am interested in meeting with other WLS'ers. The only active support group that I know of is Dr. Green's group....and please no flaming....my surgeon and dietian do not agree with his very limited carb lifestyle. So, I am looking for a group in Maryland. RAE

Hey Rae - Well, personally, my surgeon's support group meets monthly at his office at 7 p.m. at GBMC on North Charles Street, which is not exactly around the corner from Mt. Airy, although you certainly are welcome to join us. However, a group of us from the MD board, most of whom have had different surgeons, and therefore, different instructions from our docs/nuts, try to get together informally about every 4-6 weeks at different locations. Our first get-together was in White Marsh, the one on Sunday, 8/6 is going to be at the Blue Star Grille in Arundel Mills at 12:00 for lunch, chatting, shopping, etc. We had a small group last time, but had a good time. Just very informal, and, as you might guess, a lot of WLS talk, but other things, too. So, once again, please feel free to join us. I'd like for us to have steamed crabs for our September get-together, and the only place I frequent for them is in the Essex/Dundalk area. So keep an eye out for more details! Thanks, Teresa

Hi Teresa, That was such a great post. I am almost 4 weeks post-op and 35 pounds gone for good. It made me look forward to the future with good hopes. Congratulations on your one year anniversary. Sincerely Kelly Wheeler

Hey Kelly - Thanks! 35 pounds in 4 weeks is AMAZING!!! I do truly feel like I've done the best thing I could for myself! No regrets here - except that I wish I'd done it long ago! Thanks again - looking forward to meeting you soon! Keep up the good work! Teresa

Tia, This post was just what I needed to read tonight. I am the size now that you were when you began and it is so encouraging to see how far you have come. Maybe I can do this. I identify with so much of your story. I am also hoping to be off my bp meds eventually and hope to be able to stop using my cpap machine as well. Very much looking forward to tying my shoes, going for walks, being as pain free as possible. Thanks again for brightening my day! Julie