Daughter Afraid She Won't Know Me After The Surgery.

Hello: Has anyone had a child, mine is 20, and concerned that you'll be a totally different person after the surgery? My daughter keeps telling me that she loves me just how I am but she's not looking as the fact I'm very limited in what I can do now. As much as I tell her I'm going to be the same person, she's still concerned I just won't be me. I'm thinking she's just scared. I have taken her to the surgeon with me but not the support group meetings. I don't think she could sit that long..... Any input would be helpful. Thanks, Lorraine

HI Lorraine...My children are still young. I am thinking your daughter is afraid of either loosing you emotionally or physically. Children (albeit 20 ) are not creatures of change. They like things to stay the same...forever. You need to remember why you got here...proberly because you put your family first...all the time. Today is the time to put yourself first. Even if you do change..your daughter will simply need to adjust. Life is for living....not for living for others. WLS is such a journey..you yourself need to be on board 100% ....and that includes putting you first before your daughter's needs. If you can't do that at this time...I think you need to put your surgery on hold until you are 100% ready. Best to you...and Happy New Year. Joan

Thank you Joan.... Yes, I've put everything before me in the past. It's taken me 2 years to get where I am today. This is for me 100% and only for me. When I first spoke to Dr. Randall I said that I felt selfish for doing this at first. After many support group meetings, more research and having the time to get everything together, my heart and head is in this all the way. I'm glad my pcp pointed me in the right direction. As much as my daughter is supporting me with this, there are the little comments she makes about her losing who I am when I have this done. She hasn't known me as a mom who could keep up with her and it will be a welcomed change to be able to walk with her rather than waddle or be in so much pain from walking that we have to cut things short. You are right, if you're not on board 100%, you shouldn't do this. I know I wouldn't have been when I first started my research but I'm looking forward to a new life and a new beginning. Again, thank you and Happy New Year to you as well. Lorraine

Hi Lorraine, My daughters were 15 and 17 when I had my surgery. They have been so supportive during this process. I used to have such a hard time keeping up with them. You know how girls love to go to the mall? I used to have to sit on a bench and wait for them to finish shopping......my feet were so painful that walking the mall was excruciating. Today....I did two malls with them. It was fun! I can share so much more with them now. My daughters are now 19 and 21....if it would make your daughter more comfortable....I am sure one or both of my girls would be happy to talk by phone or email to her.

Hi Kim: It would be a welcome to have someone talk to her. I will ask her and see if it would help. I was thinking that maybe going to the support group meeting the next time would help answer some of the questions she may have and hasn't asked me. There are so many things I want to do be walking is so difficult and painful. My son gave me his first sign of encouragement today by buying me an IPod Nano so I could have music to listen too when I'm able to really do some walking. He said nothing like music to get the feet moving. Thank you so very much. It'd be nice to have someone to actually talk to on the phone about all this. Just little things here and there that pop into your head when you're thinking of the whole picture. Today I did an excel spreadsheet to chart daily what my intake of everything will be for the first 3 weeks after surgery. Boy, did that bring questions to mind. Okay.... I can keep rattling on if I don't stop now. Hugs Lorraine

My kids (daughter 12 & son 8) also didn't want me to change. They said they like me just the way I am and were afraid if I lost a lot of weigh I wouldn't be soft & snuggly anymore. I told them there was no danger of that . I explained that this was something I was doing for my health and that I REALLY appreciated their loving me for who I was but that was something important to take care of. I spoke with a therapist about this and he said that this is all my children have ever known so they are unsure what the change would mean but that it was fine to reassure them but explain this was something I was doing for myself. Good Luck, Kim

I don't have kids and I didn't tell many people but I told a few CLOSE friends. One said the same thing as your daughter. I told him that I appeciated the friendship without judgement but that I really was doing this for my health and not because people didn't accept me. I then asked him what it was that he loved about me. All the items he listed were NOT weight related. That's when I was able to say "well great because all those things are related to my spirit and NOT my size. My size was what the surgery would help me change so we would have no issue postop." He got the point and then moved on to the real issue for him which was a fear of my having complications from surgery and a thought that we'd never go out again for a nice dinner at times. I assured him about the complications from surgery as compared to my health risks without it. I educated him with information I had learned during my research AND gave him this site as a place he could read and post. I also assured him dinners out wouldn't change either. The only thing that would change was what I might order and eat. He was still nervous when I had surgery but he supported me then AND now. Things have NOT changed and we are STILL great friends. HTH, Carolyn

Hello neighbor! Many people DO change after surgery. Speaking from personal experience people who are MO tend to be caretakers and put everybody's needs before their own. After my surgery I started to be more assertive and to try to put me first. With more confidence I stand up for myself. I also like to do more social activities. If you are someone who is like me your friends and family may not like the changes. Not that everybody changes but I think that most do. That's not to say that you still won't care for your daughter and all but maybe she doesn't want you to be more social or what not. My surgeon says that all relationships change after WLS. These changes are not necessarily bad and it is a good thing to switch the focus on you for a while. We all didn't become MO by taking the best care of ourselves. I wish you luck with your surgery and your journey!! Hugs, Stef

Hi Stef.... We are neighbors. You know I never thought of the fact that I will be more social then what I have been. It's something that I'm looking forward too. When I first became single, my daughter told me she didn't want me to re-marry. Not that I was wanting too or planning on it but now that you just mentioned it, it would make sense. My focus for the past 15 years has been supporting my 2 children (who are now grown). This has been my first year of NOT having to do battle in the Texas courts by some crazy lawsuit my ex was filing. So this year I have worked on ME. Attorney money now has gone to buying a car. Yippee!! I have transportation. You just gave me good food for thought and a new direction to approach my daughter with. Dating is something I am also looking forward to doing in the future. Wow, 50 and dating. Now that's scarier than surgery. Hugs back at you.... Lorraine

hello i have the same problem but its not my daughter it my boyfriend he think that my attitude would change and i keep telling him i'm going to stay the same its my weight that going to change for the better