Night Before Surgery Mixed Feelings

8/21/2005 Well, here I am sitting around waiting for tomorrow to come. I can't believe it is finally here. I packed some things and took my picture already. I spent the weekend picking up everything I am going to need when I come home. My boyfriend is my best friend he is always there for me, he has helped me so much on my journey. I hope everything is fine tomorrow since I've heard that doctors can cancel your surgery for many reasons. I have been eating out of nerves and I can't really sleep well. I was up at 6am today, lord knows why. My son is in PR and he does not know what is going on since I didn't want him to worry but I feel bad that I didn't tell him. I called him but he wasn't home so hopefully I can talk to him soon. It is best that he is with my mom though, even if he is 11yo. He commands to much attention since he is my only one and I don't think that I can handle that right now. I don't know what my feelings are right now. I can't tell if I am happy or sad. Everyone tells me that I will be fine but I am concerned about after the surgery "what if I can't cope?", "what if I don't lose any weight?" I know I am probably just being silly but still. I am going to go finish up, see you all on the losing side. Wish me luck and pray for me. Thanks to all of you who have sent me the emails of support. I really do appreciate it.

Jaxx, I felt the same way the night before surgery, wondering if I made the right choice, worrying about dealing with my kids after, even worrying if I would make it up to my 4th floor apartment after the surgery. I was so jittery I could not sleep at all and my stomach was in knots. My boyfriend was worried, he seemed to think I only had a 50/50 chance of making it out alive, since someone at work filled his head with all sorts of ideas about how dangerous it was. When we got to the hospital in the morning, my brother and sister in law were there. I didn't think I cared if anyone was with me, but it really helped a lot, I felt so much more comfortable. And everyone at the hospital was so nice and explained everything to me every step of the way. It was a good experience. When I woke up after surgery, I regretted it again because of the pain, but, miraculously, it went away in an hour. It took me a long time to get there, but here is my point. I think you would be crazy if you weren't at least a little apprehensive. That's normal, but, obviously, you have thought about this a lot and decided this is your best option, so you should have faith in your decision, your doctor, your family, and bright hopes for your future. Mine already seems brighter and it has only been 3 weeks! Best of luck to you! I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I am sure you will make the right choice for yourself. My thoughts to you and your family, Carrie

I did it. I am home now and still feel as though this was the right choice for me. I keep going back and forth with it. I feel like I have to keep taking the pain pills but my doctor wants me to walk a lot. The pills make me sleepy. One good thing is that for now I can say that I actually quit smoking. I say for now because I don't know if that is one of the effects of the pills or not. I am so groggy all the time. I'm sure I have lost some weight I just don't know how much I won't find out for another week. Maybe that and healing a little more wiill help me wrap my head around this. Thank you for your feedback. I am going to bed.