Need Husband Help

Hi, I just signed up to the web site the other day and have been looking around and reading everyones stories.  You all are amazing and inspiring.
I have a wonderful PCP whom I work for and she is a believer in weight loss surgury. She has several pts that she has sent to Newton Wellsley Hosp and seems happy with their results on a whole.  (always that one that doesnt succeed)
My problem lies with my husband.  He is against WLS.  He told me last night that this isnt an option for anyone that has 2 young children.  In his defence, we haven't really talked about me having surgury, its been more of a solo soul searching on my part up until now.  I desperatly want to feel better and be a better mother/wife to my children and husband.  My kids are 4.5 and 3.5yrs old and I have thought about the what-ifs of surgery.  And to be honest it scares me half to death. I would never want to leave them without their Mama....
That being said, I am about 250lbs, 5ft5in and have been able to loose about 30lbs on Weigh****chers in the last year, all of which I have put back on in the last 5 months.  I am at the point of NEEDING to do something for my health, but without his support, its not going to happen. 
Did anyone else have simular situations? How do you get your spouse to come around? 
Any help/advice would be so much help! Thank you! 
~Amy

I'm going to be very honest. I'm also a Mother (my daughter is 9 years old) and I feel like if I didn't do something I was going to die any way! So YES ..I was more than ready to take the risk and in all honesty the risk of death is NOT that big.

I can not believe the years I wasted with my daughter! We missed out on doing so many fun things together because I was too fat to do them. This past summer was the FIRST summer EVER that we went on rides together, we went sledding last winter, we went hiking, and we practically lived at the beach. It was the first summer I put on a bathing suit and went into the water with her! We found this beach that has a dock you can jump off .....yup that was us!!

I have seen a lot of relationships change because of weight loss surgery, either good or bad. When I went through the process it was all about me and ME only. I did not care about the opinions of others. I was the one doing the changes, getting the tests done, and putting my body through hard work. Weight loss surgery IS a personal choice and if you decide to go through with it do it for YOU. We can't make our spouses/signifant others change their minds. So what do we do? Not do it because they don't like it? Eh, I don't agree with that. It's totally a personal choice and many people go through this journey alone because of their spouse, or parent, or sibling. Heck, my Grandma still doesn't like that I had the surgery but oh well. I can not please everyone.

Why does he think it's "not an option for a Mom with 2 young children" ? Is weighing 250 or more the rest of your life an option? Is having obesity related health problems an option? I do believe I have always been a good Mother ...but now I feel like I am so much more! I honestly can not believe the stuff I missed out on ..it seriously brings me to tears.

Get yourself into some support groups in your area. Some of your greatest friends might be someone who has also had weight loss surgery. Good luck!

Wow I think Brooke said it right on !!!!  

It's about you and only you !!!!!
I did not have the support of my mom and sister at first.... I broke down and told them... I AM DOING THIS WITH OR WITHOUT YOU !!!!  I want and need your support but if not then I'm still doing it.....  Guess what they came around attended meeting with me and are my greatest support !!!!    I love when my mom smile and laughs because she can't believe how "skinny" I'm getting....

Do it for you, don't let anyone stop you!!!  I have no regrets at all....

Plus WLS is alot safer now then it was years ago.. there are sooo many great advances and it's only going to get better !!!!
Welcome to the boards we are here for you !!!
Keep us posted

hi amy,

welcome to the board!  similar situation?  heck - i feel like i wrote your post!  i too am a mom - kids are 2, 3 and 6.  my husband felt the exact same way at first.  i finally got him at least to come to the orientation meeting for my program (UMASS) and it helped enlighten him.  ititally leaning towards lap band, i entered the program and i guess in a way proved my dedication to it, to myself.  i was/am a food addict and went into therapy for it - both group and individual.  working out.  struggling all the way.  went to the monthly support meetings (he would come if we had a sitter).  he met lots of people and heard their stories right along with me. 
oops - gotta run...be right back....

ok - sorry - kids don't let me stay on too long!  anyways - i sort of pulled a star jones.  i went thru a very long process - lots of appts and didn't really tell anyone what was going on.  i told 2 HS friends (one how had RNY) and 2 local moms i know (one who had RNY) one former co worker and zero current co workers - i am a nurse and close with them, i just know how the talk is.  i have watched my friends be put under a microscope and just felt it wasn't for me to tell - not yet.  i am one month out - 40 lbs down.  no longer snoring (saying goodbye to CPAP soon) and reducing my BP meds - went from 140/90's to 120's over 70's.   this is a decision you have to make for you - and is completely indepentant of your husband.  my husband lost he biggest eating companion and that is his issue, not mine.  the first 3 weeks sucks - anyone will tell you that and it was also true for me.  research you butt off - come to the boards often and if you ever want to meet up at a UMASS monthly meeting to get a feel of it - please let me know.  
i am 34 and was much to young to feel this old.  i do plan to have more children - but it would have been dangerous at almost 286 pounds.  so do your research - make him feel welcome, but not obligated to join you. it might help if he met some real live people that have had it - if he doesn't  - he will base his opinion on the war stories you see online or heresay.  
i am on the mass board often if you want to chat more.
kat 

 Hi, Amy!

I had my surgery at Newton Wellesely and I loved it.  I love my surgeon too.  I am more than happy to talk about it.  PM me if you want to talk over phone or email.  

I also have a 21 mos old son.  He was a huge part of my decision making.  Not only do I want to LIVE and be there for him, but I want to model healthy eating for him as he grows older.  I totally understand where you are coming from and I would be HAPPY to talk.  I am really happy I did this.

Danielle

All;
yes to all the comments!

Amy:

I have two sons ages 4 & 6 and I feel like if I don't do the surgery I don't know how much time I would be there for them. 

Do you know what specifically he is against in regards to the surgery?
Is it the time off from work?  Is it the time you will need to recover?

I am 5' 8" and 261
I'm always tired.  I need to take naps after work in order to keep up with my boys.  I have sleep apnea and a herniated disc in my lower back.   I can't fit into airline seats or theater seats.  I sound like I'm 68 but I am 38 years old.

I am scheduled for RNY 12/8 and yes I am scared but I'm more scared of NOT doing the surgery.

I also go to Overeaters Anonymous which has been a huge support system for me this year.

Sincerely,
Kerry

Thank you everyone! 
I honestly don't knwo what it is about the surgery that he is afraid of.  I think a lot goes back to his mothers' death following a surgery, totally unrelated to weight- it was heart related.  The other thing that I know is in the back of his mind is I had an aunt who had WLS and she just isnt the same person any more.  She used to be the outgoing and fun aunt and now she is quiet and reserved, shut off from the family in ways that she never was.  I don't know if he feels that would happen  to me or what. 
I do have a couple other questions such as how much time did you spend in the hospital with a lap procedure?  How much time were you out of work for? How long til you got clearence to drive again? I have Tufts insurance but would most likely go to Newton Wells or Emerson in Concord. 
Sorry for all of the questions...so much to think about and to know! 
Thanks again! 

I had my rny at NWH and love them. I spent 3 nights in the hospital and was out of work for 2 weeks but i sit at a desk and have no lifting. got cleared to drive after 2 weeks and have lost 110 lbs and loving every second and absolutly no regrets.

I would have your DH go to any of the community support meetings that the hospital schedules and just to listen to the people/nurses/surgeons make the road easier.

Good luck with what ever you choose.

Michelle

Amy,

I have to say I agree with everyone else!  You are doing this for YOU!  I had my RNY on October 15 and am down about 43 pounds as of today.  My biggest supporter is my wife but there were lots of people who I thought wouldnt be as supportive (mom, dad, grandmother, borthers, co-workers), well let me tell you, they are so supportive at this point, I couldnt be happier.  As far as your husband is concerned and not being supportive, put it to him this way....."what happens if I have a heart attack b/c of my weight and am no longer here for you and the kids?"  Could he handle that???  WLS has come so far in recent years that the fatallity rate is so small, its almost not even there.  Plus most deaths due to WLS are b/c the patient had some other serious underlying medical conditions such as heart disease.  Like the other posters said, take him to a meeting or two and let him see/hear/meet those who have gone thru the surgery.  He will surely have a change of heart.  Good luck with all if it!!  and remember, OH and its truly great members are always here for you!!

Brian