Key moment?

It's been a while. Vastly thanks to me feeling so ashamed and a failure because I look almost as bad as I did before my surgery. I am missing only 5lbs to be back at my worst ever weight.

Yesterday my knee cap dislocated. When I was younger it happened frequently. Had a surgery 10 years ago but the dislocation started reoccurring a few years back and now it gets more and more frequent. Anyway, my husband brought me to the A&E yesterday and his mood got visibly worse the longer we waited. The anger was actually so visible that the radiologist lady even commented on how grumpy he looks.

On the way home, I asked him several times what was wrong and I apologised if I ruined his afternoon. What he said to me was:

"there was no need for the A&E. You know the issue, you are familiar with it, no need to go there. So you want to know what helps? Have you ever looked in the mirror? What do you see? What do you think why your legs, your arms are all wobbly? Because you have no muscles! You eat chocolate but you do nothing to take the poison out of your body again. Do you call this a life?? A feather touches your knee and you break down? What do you think why you have motion sickness? Your stomach is big, there is no muscle so it wobbles back and forth. "

In the evening we had a dinner planned with friends, and one asked him if he goes skiing with a side glance to me he responded 'no, that is something that I can't do'.

I actually don't know why I am writing this, but I guess I need to share. I know he is right, but I can't say that this speech didn't hurt. A lot. I don't know what I was thinking, but until yesterday I didn't realise how my husband sees me, as this overweight, wobbly and therefore fragile person who seems to be holding him back. He is right which makes it even worse. I feel as uncomfortable in my skin as i haven't done in a long time. Unfortunately I didn't have some alone time since it happened; I can feel the tears at the back of my throat and just want to cry, by myself so I can gain new strength. I hope i can turn this speech to a wake up call. I don't want my weight to be the reason for other health problems, and even worse I don't want anyone else feel like I am holding them back.

Did you guys have wake up calls?

The lap band failed many of us. Please go see a bariatric surgeon about a revision to RNY. It probably won't cure your motion sickness -- I doubt that's related to your weight -- but less weight on the knees might help with the knee problems.

Also, is there a reason your husband can't go skiing with friends? Just because you aren't physically fit at the moment doesn't mean he can't go do things that require physical fitness himself. So next time he acts like he is being held back, encourage him to get out there himself, with a guy friend if he doesn't want to go alone.

I was worried that my husband would not be supportive about me getting a revision from the band to RNY because I gained my weight back with the band, but he was. I think he knows I really want to get my health under control. We had to self-pay for the revision.

Hi!

I am sorry you are so hurt, you have the right to be.

I think we forget that our partners are also on this roller coaster with us. And unfortunately most men dont communicate well (from my own experience). They are raised with tough love and "excuses are for losers" motto. My husband is/was the same way. It took me a long time to learn to communicate correctly also.

As women we accustomed to emotions and having the social ability to show/share them. My husband used to respond with what came across as anger when he was not happy with something I did or our girls did.

But the only person we can change is OURSELVES! Maybe you can talk to your husband (think about what and how you want to say/approach before hand) about how what he said was true but that it hurt you. How maybe if he talked to you before and not bottled it all up you could work on the issues together. Do your best not to cry and carry on about it too much, then switch to how you are aware of the problem.

And try to focus the conversation on what you need to do to fix your current situation. My husband always say it is not about the weight/appearance as much as it is about the attitude that comes with the weight gain. We get depressed, and self conscious with leads to less intimacy and going out and doing fun stuff with them. And then ask for his help to keep you on tract. I know my husband will not bring up the food I eat or working out to me in fear, so when I really need a kick I ask him to remind me or join me on the walk or not to ask to go out to eat so much so I can focus on good food choices.

I honestly dont know you or your situation and I dont want to come across as preachy. But I have a wonderful husband who I drive crazy. God bless him he sticks with me through my roller coaster and craziness! But I really had to learn how to communicate with him so we dont fight and get hurt feelings. I had to make him aware of what he was feeling (usually embarrassment) and how his reaction hurt us.

Now you dont have to ski, but maybe reach out and plan a group event where you can hang at the spa and he can ski and you can connect later in the day. This way he doesnt feel like he is ignoring you or leaving you out but he still gets his fix.

Good luck, and try to remember the weight is typically a symptom of all the other crap happening in our life! The band might not work for you but nothing will if you dont fix the rest of it first.