You're so VAIN, you probably think this song is about ya

Funny Kristi, you don't LOOK like my sister, but we share the same parents!!!!

I love my Mom and Dad, they are amazing.  But I have a thousand stories of how being fat has affected me in my family.  No mention of the fact that I'm the only sibling with a college degree or that I am the "smart" one in the family.  No, it's all about "how much do you weigh NOW?"

Interestingly enough I actually confronted them about this, told them that they always made me feel less than what they approved of.  They have really improved, LOL, or else just choose not to talk to ME about it. 

No, they will NEVER change.  I always said to myself "I can either choose to have them in my life but I have to choose to have the people they ARE, not the people that I always wished them to be."

So you are not alone.  At all.

Donna

No my parents were different but in a way the same. Both mother and father were obese. They rewarded themselves and me with food. Food is emotion in my family.  Food was fun, love, happy, calm, and make you feel better my whole childhood. Every meal was you need to clean your plate and people starving in China. But then, I was a teenager and obese. Then suddenly it was "should you eat that?" or "you should go outside and get some excercise." or "you have such a pretty face if only you would lose some weight ..."  My sister was thin but she did not eat healthy she would gain 15 lbs then starve herself so she wouldnt get fat she still does it now and she's in her mid forties. I still relate these feelings of emotion to the food. I know I am doing it and tell myself each day I will do better tomorrow but then tomorrow comes and I do the same thing again. whats the definition of crazy? something about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I keep trying to do something to get better. a few years ago i lost 133lbs diet and excercise healthy and feeling great I was 30lbs from my goal and I met a guy who had terrible eating and excercise habits and I got derailed. I always want to make everyone else happy. In 2008, I hurt my back and recently I had emergency back surgery. I let myself get off track and now I have gained 76lbs. I can't afford a counselor in 2008 I tried counseling but they wanted to meet 2-3 times a week and even with insurance it was 75 dollars a week. I tried to qualify for the lap-band over a year ago but they said I was only 39BMI and I didn't have the qualifying illness. Apparently blowing out my disc isnt enough of a health risk. And now I have gained even more weight being home and sedintary. I Know that I am over 41BMI now but still dont have diabetes or had a heart attack yet. But my mobility is more limited now.  I feel like Im at the end of my rope. I need some real help and I dont know where to turn.
Sorry If I ramble on and went way off point, I just need something to change for the better and I feel over-whelmed.

Gosh, don't apologize.  We know what it feels like to be overweight and then to have to deal with all the insurance qualifications.  It took me over a year from my first seminar to my surgery date.  That was the most challenging part of this entire process.

Could you just do therapy once a week and pay less?  Have you tried to journal your food?  I seem to do best if I am honest with myself and write down everything that goes into my mouth.  It worked before my band also.  Have you tried WW?  I go for support and I like their new plan. It focuses more on healthy eating versus just eating "low point" foods.

How about seeing a Physical Therapist and be evaluated to see what would be safe as far as your back condition and exercise? 

I'm sorry you feel like you are at the end of the rope. I'm trying to throw a few more feet of line out for ya!

Hugs,
Kristi

 Are we twins?  Were we seperated at birth?

I could have so written your post...down to the weights/ages..I'm 5'6..the bribes..the sister and the passive aggressive nasty comments.  And I'm an RN

lol

It' s has been the hardest relationship in my life.  I love my mom and yet..damn the woman can get under my skin!!  I can even remember when my beautiful cousin died in a car accident at age 16, my mom saying..."well at least she'll never get fat or old"  UGH

and it's hard, because now that I've lost the weight there's a part f me that sometimes feels like she "won".  I cringe inside when she even tells me how nice I look.  Messed up.

And yet I do love her, and in her own messed up world I know she loves me.  It's got to be a lonely place when all you value is looks and how thin you are.

I'm heading back to Ks...to visit my mom next week.  I'm already having ptsd over it.

So anyway if you're crazy...so am I ...

I wish all of us sisters could get together sometime!  We need to have a family reunion!

I'm sorry to hear of  so many that do have issues with their parents.  I guess my friends just haven't had to deal with this and I feel like an ungrateful person if I say anything about my parents.

Good luck next week. 
Kristi

I think you've hit a nerve for a lot of us.  :)  I wouldn't say my parents were cruel about my weight, but my dad has focused so much on my weight all my life that I at times felt as if I were not good enough or pretty enough because I was so fat.  I've been fat pretty much since childhood but he would always tell me how pretty I was, but as I got older and gained more that seemed to stop.  I know he loves me, but I feel judged when I see him sometimes...as if every time he sees me he is trying to ascertain how much I have lost or gained.  My mom is also heavy and usually is with me, but when he starts picking at the weight stuff (he's terrified we will die from it) she joins in the picking.  Argh. 

Well that's not very nice of your parents. I mean at some age we start seeing our parents as people and some of their behavior just isn't acceptable.. before we would like oh that's just how my parents are.. now it's like that's how my parents are but it's not right...

Anyhow.. I have been heavy MY whole life tho my dad fed me so much because he loved me I think my weight to him was never issue only when it came to health and he knew I was at the brink of having some serious issues.. it was hard for him not to feed me tho he would still want to run to the kitchen and cook something for me and I would have to remind him Dad I can't eat that.. BUT my mom was another story she always hated my weight and always made an issue about it.. she has always been not thin but normal sizes 12-14 misses... and now I'm thinner than her and sometimes she's a hater.. like I bought pants the other day and she said those won't fit you and I go really you don't think so? So then she had me doubting me and I put them on just fine actually they were loose by the end of the day.. tho I take it with a grain a salt sometimes she isn't nice.. I'm short and I lost approx 100 pounds and my weight just fell and created this muffin top .. (no joke) and she will comment on it.. RUDELY.. what are you going to do with that (as she points at it) and I say nothing but keep losing and hopefully a tummy tuck what do you suppose I do with it Mom? Did you forget I lost 100 pounds and then she shuts her pie hole... sometimes it does hurt but I think it's just the woman in her .. not her being my mom she's a hater.. LOL oh well..

I don't think it's a bad idea you start saying things that lets your parents know it's not okay to speak in that manner about your sister in front of you.. just because we lost weight doesn't mean we did it to rub into other peoples face we did it for ourselves...

 One of the biggest things I got out of therapy was realizing that my mother really doesn't have any power over me I don't give her myself.  So anymore when she comments I say thanks or shrug and change the subject.  No need to fight or argue.  I'm not buying into it anymore.  Most of her comments are more about her than me anyway.  

It sucks, but like someone else posted, I try to see the positive, overlook the negative and 'walk on the other side' of the street' when it comes to hurtful comments that I know are baiting.

Kristi,  We are all products of the environment in which we were raised.  What you lived through should never have happened, especially at the hands of a parent.  How lucky your children are to have YOU for a parent.  I have a friend who was raised in exactly the same manner but was usually weighed right at the table!!  (there is a special place in hell for parents such as these.)

I spoke to my own father last night when he called for the first time since he treated us all absolutely horribly at Christmas, in particular my older brother who has always borne the worst of it.  It does still hurt at 52 and probably always will to some extent.  I am working on not giving a damn but that is a work in progress.  He missed my 30, 40th and 50th birthdays, my surgeries, including this weight loss surgery, and his brutality when we were children was not to be believed.  Oh yeah, he left our Mum for someone with money when she was in her late '50's and she never recovered from that.  She supported him through 34 years of marriage, bad temper and raging alcoholism.  Both he and his wife were upset when we didn't invite them to Mum's funeral 1 1/2 years ago.   Boggles the mind.

I chose to put as much of this as possible in the past and live my happy life for myself and those *****ally love me as I am.  My husband first and foremost, our son, my brothers and my sisters in law and a terrific mother in law, too.  I am fulfilled, well rounded, no pun intended (despite years of fear and abuse) happy, calm and completely thrilled with this life. 

I wish for you peace and acceptance and more joy and happiness than you can imagine.  If that doesn't work how about baking them a nice ex-lax cake next visit?  Only kidding!  .... sort of.  If all else fails how about a nice big glass of wine and a cuddle with your family?  xx Karol

Okay, my parents are all about looks and keeping up with the Jones. I know I sound unkind, and I won't get into it all. 

Mine too!  While not quite as scary controlling as your mother, (the note in the cookie jar made me gasp!), my mother constanly worried about my weight.  She was naturally thin all her life until she had kids and then she started to struggle with her weight.  She was constantly on WW! 

My mother could tell you the year I started getting fat, (third grade), in her opinion.  There is this picture of me sitting at my school desk and everytime we would come across that picture my mother would say, "See?  That's when you started getting heavy!".  She also told me it was baby fat for years and years and that it would come off once I was out of puberty.  It did, but I never got credit for it!   I remember distinctly when I started 7th grade.  I was 5'8" tall and weighed 142 lbs!  FAR from fat, but my mom would always use her passive agressiveness and say, "Oh, if you'd only lose 10 lbs you could be a model!"  IF, IF, IF.  Basically, she might has well said that no matter what you do you will never measure up in my eyes.

Today I understand that she was transfering her issues on to me, but that doesn't make it o.k.  It started me on a path of KNOWING that I would never measure up, so I gave up!  When I got married, (the first time), at 23, I weighed 173.  I lost 20 lbs on WW and was so proud until one day my XDH asked me when I was going to lose the last 20 lbs?!  I was 153 and 5'10" tall!  I asked him why I needed to lose 20 more lbs and he told me, "Well, models that are your height weigh in their 130's!"  What the heck?!  Why were my mother and my husband obsessed with me being a model?!!!

Any way, XDH walked out one day out of the blue and I showed him!  I showed him good!  I started a path to obesity because I KNEW that I wasn't worthy, that no matter what, I wouldn't be good enough.  I ate my way to 330 lbs over the next 20 years, and you know the rest of my story.

Anyway, now that I'm in therapy we spend a lot of time unraveling the low self esteem issues I have regarding my unworthyness, or should I say worthyness? 

Kristi, you have done a great job with your kids and have a very healthy outlook on where you are personally headed.  You probably don't stand a chance in changing your parents at this point in their lives.  You already know that your mothers behavior in inappropriate and unacceptible, but  the only thing that you can work on changing is you, unfortunately she's a lost cause.  You can however set boundaries and tell your parents that ANY discussion regarding someones weight is not allowed.  Someday if you're interested, (and if they have therapy out in the country-Ha!), start work with a therapist.  It's pretty freeing when you realize that you are o.k. just the way you are!

Lisa O.