Are Addictions Different

I have to start by saying my boyfriend is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Words cannot describe this man. I am so lucky and privileged to have him in life, he is truly a gift from God. We have been together for almost 3 years, we recently bought a house together and will be married 11/11/11.

So with that being said, he is a recovering drug user and alcoholic. He has been clean and sober for 9 years. There is no alcohol in the house but in my cabinets, fridge and freezer there is cookies, candy, chips, ice cream, sodas and little debbie cakes. I don't think my junk food addiction is any different than his addiction to alcohol, but why is there crap in my house?
We are addicts and if there is crap in the house we are going to eat it. Do i tell him he needs to get his own fridge/freezer and cabinets that lock and don't eat in front of me? You might say "will power", easier said than done. We wouldn't have got the way we did if we had it.

This gets me so emotional. I am sitting here in front of the computer crying my eyes out. I figured this was the place to come to get some help and opinions because there has to be someone out there that can relate and dealing with the same thing.

Thank you so much. Looking forward to some encouraging words and ideas.

I think it is completely reasonable to ask that he gets his own mini fridge for the snack & cakes that are your addiction/weakness. Maybe a cabinet that he can lock. I have asked my husband to hide the candy he buys out of my view. If I don't know it is there, I won't eat it.

We no longer allow ice cream in the house since that is my biggest addiction. If it is in the freezer, I will eat it. Luckily my hubby is not a big ice cream eater.

Have you discussed it with him? I am sure he will understand. Just let him know how you feel powerless to fight those foods and it would be extremely helpful if they were not staring you in the face every time you went to the fridge or cupboard.

Thanks,

Yes, I will talk to him. I just wanted a few ideas or experiences from others

No, Debbie, there is absolutely no difference between your addiction and his, other than the substance that is used to abuse yourselves.  It is clear that your boyfriend has substituted one addiction for another (I am assuming that the junk food is his, not yours).

There is a book both of you need to read - In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, by Dr. Gabor Mate (pronounced Ma-tay).  Your boyfriend needs to understand that he is keeping his drug & alcohol addiction at bay by filling his (and unfortunately your) world with high-glycemic junk food crap that continues to fuel the addictive centres of his brain while, not coincidentally, helping to destroy his health.

This is a journey you need to take together before you commit the rest of your lives to each other.  If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, he will agree to at least try - for your sake if not for his own.

There is something I should add. He is 6'3" and weighs 400 pounds. I wish we could take the journey together... I mentioned it a couple years ago and he told me no, so i don't bring it up anymore.

Oh Sweetie, that's clearly not a minor detail in this story.  And unfortunately it proves my point exactly.   You have some very tough decisions to make, and if I were you I'd make them well ahead of 11-11-11.   Marriage is a mighty tough row to hoe in the best of cir****tances, and your cir****tances are not optimum.   I truly feel for you and wish you the best of luck.

Is this book related to the hungry ghosts spoken of in Buddhism? I had an ex friend and when I finally terminated the toxic friendship I stumbled upon a reading about the hungry ghost and reminded me so much of her, have me lots of insight.

Hi Heather - no, the book doesn't relate to the hungry ghosts in Buddhism nor does it have any references to spirituality of any kind (that I can recall, anyway).  However, Dr. Mate may have drawn from that reference when giving the book its title, I really don't know.  The "hungry ghosts", as I took it from the book, is a reference to the psychological demons that spark and then fuel our addictions, along with the physical symptoms that result, which in turn fuel the need for the next "fix".

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is strictly about addictions.  Dr. Mate works in midtown Vancouver in an addiction clinic.  For me, his research and observations on all kinds of addictions (drugs, alcohol, food) was key to my understanding that there is no difference between those addictions - how and why they begin, how they are fuelled and how they are conquered and controlled.   Once I realized my addiction to food was as real and deadly as a drug addict's addiction to heroin, it totally changed my relationship with food (specifically with the high glycemic carbs to which I am addicted) and, more importantly, it changed my relationship with myself.

I am no different than any recovering alcoholic or drug addict - I struggle every day with the demons that helped me eat my way to 300 lbs.  But with the help of a little knowledge and self-awareness through reading books like this, and with the help of my band, I have the two most important tools I need to win the war.  I know I've already won - now I just have to be vigilant in defending my borders (a corny analogy, but it works for me).

It sounds to me like his transfer addiction is sweets.

I used to attend OA meetings with people who were also AA members.  They told me that they had to avoid some AA meetings because there was so much food at them --- that AA even suggests that people use sweets as a way to 'calm' their cravings for alcohol.

I think you need to have an in-depth conversation about this -- ask him to help you develop a plan to get the food out of your sight and reach.  If that means he keeps it locked up, or out of the house, you should not care.  It will be gone for you.

You need to set some boundaries -- and do it before the wedding.

I can see your point in this but I can also see your future husbands point in all this also.

I do keep them items in the house I have a very acticve son and I have husband that loves the candy bars, the ice cream and the doritos .

They eat it in front of me, I buy it for them and I allow them to keep it in the house.

The way I look at it is, it was ME that got the WLS done not my family and I knew that going into all this process . It wasnt my family that had the surgery done so why should they give up the foods that they like just because I cant eat them ?

Like my doc and NUT stressed to me the whole process you have to be mentaly ready for this surgery and I was at that point that people eating them foods in front of me or having them in the house was not going to bother me and it dont .

I look at the nutrional facts on the back and right there is enough to stop me from wanting to eat them foods.

I ask myself what is more important eating those chips , ice cream or keeping the weight off I have lost so far.

Im darn proud of myself right now. I have lost 40 pounds in three months with no fills and all the junk food you can ask for in the house and Im doing it.

Me personaly, this is my husbands  house to ,  he is the one that works and makes the house payments and I dont feel like its my right to deny him of his favorite foods when he comes home from a days worth of work .  That is just me though.