I want to be as successful as my band - my inner dialogue

When I first got my band the first three years were the best in my life. I got so amazingly skinny. I thought I looked amazingly hot. Life was good. I was getting positive attention. Sure I had lost some friends (and a sister) that couldn't deal w/the new me being skinny. But then bottom dropped out of my life & being 3 and a half months pregnant I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I was terrified. In-fact, it was the first time since I had been banded that I had to deal with an actual real reality emotions. A situation in life I couldn't control. And I failed. My eating got out of control. I stuffed close to 2 (almost 3) months of food in my esophagus stretching it greatly. I gained weight. I was consumed with my pain. All types of pain. Of having the cancer, of dying, of failing my band (when I needed it the most), of gaining a significant amount of weight, of ruining everything I had worked for, but mostly the pain of lying to myself that having the band was suppose to fix everything & not not thinking I needed to do anything to fix myself. The food was packed so tightly that I couldn't lay down w/o choking myself. At first my GP thought I had developed asthma, so I had inhalers. But when I went to my surgeon to have my band unfilled per my Oncologist orders, what he found really snapped my head back where it needed to be. I just couldn't believe I had that much food stuff in my throat. I ignored all the warning signs. All because I hadn't changed my food coping relationship. I hadn't changed anything with my relationship about food at all. So while I was unfilled, doing cancer treatments, & recovering from over stuffing myself, I also took the time to address my issues with food. I started off by reading Geneen Roth's "When Food Is Love". Boy O Boy did that hit a spot. The book really opened my eyes to my relationship w/food. I was an addict. I never realized how much I thought about food, planned food, talked about food, consumed with food. The textures, the emotions, the memories - it just always fixed things in my life. And even though I had got the band & had success the first three years it was because I lied to myself and would self restrict, denied myself, & other unhealthy things & thinking. So I started going to 12 Step meetings. Over eater Anonymous didn't supply me with what I needed.... 12 step AA or NA meetings did. A month into doing that I did Geneen Roth workbook for food addiction called "Why Weight? A Guide to Ending Compulsive Eating". It took me six months to do that work book.... not because I was lazy. But because some of her self thinking/monitoring exercises really made me deal with some deep issues I had never wanted to deal with... EVER! But I was so desperate to get better. I wanted not just my band to be a success...but I wanted ME to be a success. 

We can't deny that we have some type of "sickness" be it called addiction or whatever, to our food. If we didn't, we wouldn't have been obese in the first place. Being sad didn't put that cake in my mouth. My parents divorce didn't cause me to sneak off with bags and bags of chocolates every time I could. I DID! I did it. I did it all. I'm responsible for all the fat on my body. Because I was afraid to feel feelings & I let food be a substitute for the feelings. I'm responsible for how I ate & what I put in my mouth. I know that now. No matter what the existential cir****tances that would make me depressed, sad, happy, joyous, suicidal, mournful, or whatever - I am the one that choose to feed myself food instead of feeding myself life. 

WLS isn't about what option you chose to have as a tool, it's about making choices so that you break a cycle of self abuse and feed yourself life again. No matter what surgery choice you make you have to be committed to give yourself the right to change. The right to admit you were wrong. To admit you have a problem with feeling & you feed that problem. It's more then just a surgery. It's more then just exercising. It's more then jus****ching numbers go down on the scale or your clothes getting smaller. It's not even about feeling skinny or accepted by your peers. If you don't deal w/what got you to the place to so obese, you're always gonna be in this rut trying to make any of the surgeries to work for you. 

**Not saying there significant times where the surgeries back fire on the person, in which the person isn't given the opportunity to have had the chance to see if their WLS option could have worked for them**
I'm referring to those of us that struggle, scratch our heads, feel emotionally overwhelmed about our wls choice at a particular moment. It really is worth the time to take time for yourself & deal with the feelings, responsibilities, & history that got us obese to begin with. Looking at yourself isn't a nice thing to do. I've found that I'm not that type of person I thought I was prior to being banded. The things I did were not kind to me or to others. I'm working on them though. 

So don't discount self help books, therapy, 12 step programs, counseling or whatever. We are all worth taking the time to heal. From the inside too. Not just heal from our surgeries. We really are worth it. 

My band is a success. Now I want to be a success too. 

 Sounds like quite the journey.  I think it's the hardest part of WLS, the brain part and knowing it really is always going to be there.  There is no magic pill or surgery that is going to extinguish that need to feed those emotions.  It's how we cope.  I was lucky enough to find a good therapist who specialized in eating disorders.  She made me look at some very hard truths and also realize I took on alot of crap trying to please others and be perfect...which was causing more anxiety and upheaval.  I now strive for calm and try to be happy with what I have at the moment.  Not always easy, but I'm working on it.

It certainly is a journey  

Wow, a great post - thought provoking. And coming just a few days after Bette's post about the effect of her emotional stress it just reinforces the fact that the physical apsect of our eating is often subservient to the psychological.

Are you over your cancer?

Kate

I still have cancer. I'm in a type of remission called "non active". I get tests every 6-8 months where they test the cell count. As long as it remains below 32 it's considered to low for any type of treatment plan. If I remain in the same general "non active" cell count for 3 yrs then they'll consider that full remission. Last year I tested at 8, waiting for this years tests. 

Also I'm dealing with significant complications from the treatment of my cancer. I have two sores, one located on my bladder & another on the bottom loop of my colon, that causes a lot of health issues for me. I've been wearing Depends for a little over a year now. I lost the function of my right kidney. My left one has been severely damaged from the multiple UTI, bladder infections, & MRSA infections that my doctor have told me that it won't be able to handle much more & soon I'll have to be put on the waiting list for a donor kidney. 

I also suffer from an autoimmune pain disorder called RSD - Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Also sometimes called CPRS - Chronic Pain Response Syndrome.

Thank you for asking. I know sometimes people are curious about others health when they mention things like cancer & want to know but don't want to seem intrusive. I however, enjoy sharing information about my fight for living. What I might share could benefit someone else is the way I think. 

Jo, my heart goes out to you. You are one brave lady and a true inspiration. You are so right in saying that by sharing you show others the power of a positive attitude. It goes without saying that I send my very best wishes to you.

Kate

You are amazing Jo. It is hard to use to admit when we have failed. You are truly an inspiration!!

Jen

Wow thank you for a powerful share that I needed to hear on my food addiction. I had rny messed that up with transfer addiction now have a 2nd chance with the band but it wont work for life if I dont fix my head. Am going to check Geneens book/workbook - did you ever go to therapy for your issues or just the books and 12 step programs? Thank you for sharing this through your very painful experiences in your life. God bless you and keep you in His care through your continued journey.