I'm back on the bandwagon again! sorry a bit long

 Hi ya'll! 
I posted this on the grads board but I thought that I would come here and post so that I could get to know some of the new faces around here and also be honest with you all.
I haven't been here for a really long time.  I was thinking the other day, o.k. really I think it all the time, that I really need to take a long look and see what went wrong with my band plan.  For awhile I have totally ignored the fact that I have a band but then I eat and get stuck and am reminded again and pretty much tell myself that I need to do something about that and then going on about my day and forget it again. Then there are times that I try to hide the fact that I have a band, not wanting people to know that I am so big even though I have a band. And then there are the times that I get depressed and upset with myself that I do have a band but I don't use it.  Well.....
I have decided that it is time to get back to realty and suck it up and do what I set out to do in the beginning.
I was banded in Jan of 07 and over the next year and half to two years I lost 75.5 pds... great right? Well then I stopped losing and was stuck for a year or more.  Then in 2009 I started taking Abilify and I gained about 50 pds.  I decided that was crap so I stopped the meds and have been trying to get that 50 off ever since. By some miracle I have lost 10 - 15 of that by it sure wasn't from trying.
 
I have not used my band, as a matter of fact I don't follow any band rules at all and so I decided when OH e-mailed me that it was my 4 yr birthday with the band I would to go back to evaluate my journey.  So I went back and read all my old post, it took forever, but it let me see what I was doing in the beginning when I was having success and it let me see where I started to get off track and also reminded me of the correct way to live with a band.  I am very glad that I have a band and I have taken advantage of it. I know that without the band I would be much larger now. I also believe that because I stopped following the rules I would have not lost anymore although I do think that I could have maintained the weight loss I had.

I have a new resolve to start once again with my band.  I have to decided to follow all the rules I have more then 10cc in my 10cc band so I am pretty sure that I don't need a fill.  I am too chicken to contact my Doc knowing that I haven't done my part.  I am going to live like a banded person before I go crawling back crying to him about how I haven't lost anything.
So I look forward to hearing from you all and all the great advice that I know that I will be getting. It is good to see some faces from the past.

Read all my post. I been banded since 6/5/07. I like you gave up by choice. Starting enjoying food (the good stuff us wlp cannot have). I was at 304 down to 217. april 2010 had 4 cc taken out due to being too tight and getting sick. gained back up to 249 jan 14, jan 15 got back on track started with the 5 day pouch and realized that I was not broken that I was tight again. battled water weight since the 30th of Jan. 249, 240, 238, 242, 236, 240. Today 237. Have not eat out of order once. I am excited again like the beginning. I actually did a walking 30 min video today. I know me, I know how I love food, I know I am weak, but I know that I deserve this. I deserve to be happy outside like I am inside. You can do this. I take one hour at a time one day at a time. I walk into the kitchen see the cookies, chips etc that my thin husband eats. I have been tempted, BAD, but then I say not this hour and grab my water. I keep telling myself this desire to eat what is making me feel bad and not lose is will pass. And It has so far.
I ate a good size bowl of red kidney beans, cheese and onion tonight for supper and actually felt quilty. My head said that is gonna put weight on you. I did my calorie count for today and I was a little over 900. Relief for sure. I actually have not been eating too many solids. Mainly oatmeal, choc. protein smoothies, beans. Good Luck. I had to get my head to follow my heart. So Far So Good.

 It sounds like you are for sure back on track.  I hear you!  I know we can do this and it is my hearts desire to be successful!  I just have to do my part.

I know the inside hurt, I know the guilt, I know the why me, why can I not do this. I know the hiding in my house cause I really do not want ppl to see me. I get the stares, and sure the snares of ppl saying why did the other 4 ladies in this town get thin and she did not. Trust me I have posted from the most beat myself up to the up again, to the down. I was like okay it did not work so I am just gonna forget it and eat what I want. I was hiding the extra eating from my husband. I even though my precious husand would never say anything to me, I even saw him look when I was overeating and washing it down with my liquids. I was at the point to eating a whole bag of jalepeno (spelling) cheetos with whatever I was drinking. I was eating a 8pk. of reeces cups. It was like what the heck just eat, cause I am not gonna be thin. Then when the scale showed me 249. I said enough. I cannot do this punishment to myself again. Food is the one thing I can control. When I fail, get disappointed, or just having things not go right I am like: punishing myself with food. It is like self sabatage. If this makes sense. But I said okay, I am gonna give this another shot. The band is working, really it has always worked. My goal is to be back to 217 first. This is where I was when I quit working with the band. that is 20 lbs it might take me 2 or 3 even 4 mo but I am gonna do this.

I have also quit using my band the way I should.  I have gained 10 lbs in the last 3 months and I know it is because I am not following the band rules.  I also eat in private and hide what I eat because my husband does tell me I am overeating.  I have not exercised.  It seems that I just gave up.  It has been since april 19 2010 that I have had my band.  I just got a fill on Feb 2nd.  I started to notice a difference in the amount of food that I eat.  I just kind of let the band rules flow little by little out the door.  I am trying to start over.  What is a good web site that I can use to track my calories.  I think if I see what I am eating and how many calories it is it will help.  I also made  a appointment with a shrink.  Because like you I think it is self sabatoge.  Everyone tells me how good I look and I just don't get it.  I still see my self at 244 lbs when I look in the mirror.  It is very frustrating.  I don't have anyone else to blame but myself.  My lowest weight was 190 now it is 198.  Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?  Just wanted to vent a little I guess.  I haven't been on this site for a while and the first posting I seen was this.  I think It is telling me get back on track NOW.

everydayhealth.com is what i have been using. i have never journaled but honestly i kinda like it. it shows me exactly what i eat, how many calories, and then like to day (i clean homes for a living), i cleaned a house and i do not know but one speed wide open (LOL) i was sweating like a dog as usual. did not exercise so it had vigorous cleaning for 30 min well i put in 2 hrs and it subtract calories I burned vs. what I ate and bam i only actually after eating totals had like eaten 400+ calories. And I ate good today. i just started this 3 days ago. it is so cool. makes me excited at the end of the day to calculate totals and see how under I am. I am down another 1.5 in 2 days. Total since Jan. 15 is 13.5 I was hoping to have 15 off by Feb. 15 but if I do not it is okay.

 I am so glad that you came to have a look at the boards.  I understand how you feel.  Starting over is good but not always easy.  I know we can do this.. we did it once so we can do it again.

Wow I am so glad I am not the only one I was also banded in 07 was 256 when I had my surgery got down to 180 and my band got to tight and my esophagus fell over my band so they removed all of the fluid in my band and told me they may have to remove it so I went on a all liquid diet for 2 months and it went back to normal but my doctor still wouldn't put the fluid back in for a few months then I went back for another follow up and my doctor annouced he was moving to another state a new dr was coming in a few weeks well a few weeks turned into 8 months so I effectively have had no band for almost a year and have gained 28 lbs I feel like such a loser like I cannot control myself on my own. Defeated.  My new Dr is now here and was wonderful it took a lot of courage to go in becasue like the other posts I read I didn't want to go til I lost some of the weight but I swallowed my pride and went before it got worse and he waswonderful.  He put a fill in and I me with the dietician and I feel renewed and already lost 4 lbs.  We can all get back on track.  I know I can do this and reach my goal this time!!

 You "effectively had no band for almost a year", and *only* gained 28 lbs.?  I know we tend to beat ourselves up for any weight gain, but honestly, I think you should pat yourself on the back for such a moderate gain over a long period of no fill.  I'm so glad you have a supportive doc, and getting back on the bandwagon.  Just be careful about getting too tight so that hopefully you won't have to go through this again.  Best of luck to you.

 I kept a journal, too, and it is a wonderful tool to be able to go back and see what I was doing when I was losing.  I highly recommend that everyone at least keep track of the basics, weight, food eaten, and exercise.  The hard part is keeping up with it when you're not doing as well, but that's very valuable as well, just like you indicated in your post.  Knowing where you screwed up gives you an opportunity to do something different.  

You're on the right track.  Keep focused on your goals, and take small steps to get you there.