Long time no see...{So very long}

Oh, this will be long and rambling, I apologize. It will probably just be a release for me, an online confession for all but no one to see?

I haven't been here in quite some time. I had some great friends back in the day, felt like I was losing weight post-op faster than I could keep up, thought I knew everything, and fell off the planet (obesityhelp.com). I had a lot of difficult stuff going on in my life and I thought I knew how to handle it all, new and improved me, powerful over food. I am back, humbled. I feel like I failure (which I know you will all say I am not). Short story by weight - highest 367, lowest 244, currently 283 - lap-band 3-2008, fill is 8 or 9 out of 10cc. In my mind my highs are lower, my lowers lower still and my current is somewhere around gigantic. I went to a nutritionist in Jan 2010 hoping to get some metabolism numbers and a fresh look on my food diary. I left $80.00 poorer and a heck of a lot unhappier. I was told my resting rate was around 2200. I asked how someone can eat no more than 1600 calories and still be gaining weight. I thought everything was calories in and calories out and I got no real answers. Through 2010 I tried counting points which gave way to good old untiloned food diary again. I gave up on exercise when I saw no results but got back on the bandwagon again recently (30 minutes every other day, not great but I am trying to stay motivated treadmill get a Withinil (always the next until for me).

It's like the further I get from my goal weight (175) the more skewed my vision becomes and the more I lie to myself. "If you could just stop eating [insert food here] you would see some weight loss." "If you just had a treadmill you could exercise [more, better, with faster results]." "If If If If....." I know the only healthy way to lose weight is slow an steady. I was taken in by my fast results from my lap band. WIthin 1 year of my surgery I had lost over 100 pounds with honestly little effort. I walked a few times a week, no more than a mile. I ate around 1000-1200 calories and felt great - full of energy, eating to live instead of vice versa, and all that great Hollywood stuff. And then...I don't know. I feel like my body said - "Well that was fun" and took a nap and I was left with a major plateau which lead to me falling into old food habits and a (even more) sedentary lifestyle. I could do no wrong for 11 months and then all I could do was...wrong.

Well that was...a lot. I'll add one more thing. I think it happened exactly as I turned 28 in October. I became baby crazy. I have serious babies on the mind (it will be my first) and am anxious to get a family started which I know should be the least of my concerns at nearly 300 pounds (again) but anyone who has had the biological clock ticking in any sense surely know how loud it can be.

I am welcome to all comfort (it is a miserable 4:00am sleepless night after all), motivation (always my greatest personal enemy), and necessary tough love (I know it is my fault I am back where I am but I have 10,000 reasons (read: excuses) why it isn't). I'm thinking of going back to an earlier eating stage to kick start myself again? Thoughts? What is a good exercise routine - I have a universal gym and pilates machine, the walking near my home is not great (thus the want for a treadmill). More thoughts?

If you read through all this then, well, you must not be able to sleep too. If you really did read all this I am greatful because I will be honest when I say I feel kinda hopeless right now. Not like I want to end it all hopeless but like I will always be overweight, just get used to it hopeless.

Thanks *big sigh*

Hi!  I can relate to some of what you are feeling.  BEFORE the band I did WW and lost 125 pounds, I worked hard and it came off, I maintained for one day and started gaining back all of it and more. It's a terrible feeling to be out of control and gaining.  It messes with your head.  In my lifetime BEFORE the band I had lost over 300 pounds up until the age of 44.  I never got over the weight of 290, but since the age of 20, it's been my biggest challenge.  I WAS  either  fighting the fight or feeling bad that I WAS out of control.

Now with the band I have the confidence that with diminished hunger I can do this.  19 months and still losing or maintaining is a wonderful thing.  I have learned that I can gain 3 pounds in a few days and I don't let it bother me, it's fluid retention.  Before I would have said, well what's the use?  So that's a little background on me.

You do not need to always be obese.  You DESERVE to be healthier.  You DESERVE to feel happier with hope!  You need to tell yourself everyday that you are worth the effort. 

So I would encourage you to do the following:

-Keep an HONEST journal.  Put every single bite down, every drink of calorie drinks.

-Up your exercise and have variety.  Don't get bored!  Find something you like.  I just discovered the "30 day shred" by Jillian Michaels and another DVD is Leslie Sansone, walk at home.  ( I thought that sounded stupid to walk at home, but it has more to it than just standing in place marching! hahaha  I also ride a recumbent bike and walk on a treadmill.  If the weather is in the 20's or above with minimal wind, I will go take the dogs for a walk at a park.  Variety makes it fun.

-Set SMALL attainable behavior related goals, not weight related goals.  Like I will drink a cup of water before breakfast. I will get 64 oz of water in per day.  I will tell myself 10 good things I like about myself.  I will journal.  I will exercise x amount of minutes per week.  I will put up my goal on my fridge.  etc etc.  AND then feel good about that.  You can do that! 

Come here for support.  We are all fighting the good fight against obesity.  It's not easy, it's hard work, but it's worth it to get healthier.

Stop feeling bad about yourself.  Make a plan and DO it!

Hugs,
Kristi

I too can completely relate to what you are saying!  I had my band in Oct 2009 and pretty easily lost 80 punds...didnt really feel a sacrifice!  Now here I am 1.5 years later and I have gained 12 pounds back.  I tell myself every morning that I am going to do better today, but by the end of the day I have messed up again.  I know what I need to do.  It's just finding the willpower to do it.  

I am again today pledging to get back on track.  Maybe we can do it together!!!! 

I'm sorry you are struggling. It's hard. Please know that you are not alone.

One time years ago I lost a lot of weight (nearly 100lbs) and I felt fantastic about myself. I felt like I could take on the whole world and win. And you know what, I learned during that period? It's a bazillion times easier to lose weight when you feel good about yourself.  It's just so much easier to make good choices and get out and move when you feel on top of the world.  Something happened and then I stopped believing I was so great and went to thinking I was a fat slob and would never be "skinny" so I just gave up. It hurt so much to gain the weight back and struggle for years and years with it.

I'm no professional, just somebody that struggles too. From your post it sounds like you are really struggling with thinking you are worth the effort and this whole losing thing seems to hard and too impossible. Somehow you have to find a way to get to the point where you believe you are worth all the effort it will take to lose more weight and become healthier. It is so very difficult to change the tide and then go forward in a positive direction. But you can do it.

The previous poster shared some great tips -- listen to her.  All of these little things will help build your self confidence and as you gain more confidence it will cause you to do make more positive choices, which will increase your confidence more. 

Hang in there!

Trixie

I too got very complacent around 18 months post-op. It's like I took a vacation and never quite made it back. I'm working on it though.... Water is my big goal right now. I'm swimming a couple days a week and started the C25k.   I also have to get this under control again.

It's good to have you back, even in your current less-than-happy state.

It seems like a lot of folks find losing the first 100 lbs easy, then plateau for a while, then start struggling. Lisa O. wrote an article about that for a recently issue of my e-newsletter. It's really hard to keep up the momentum month after month, year after year.

If you seriously want to have a baby, I think you seriously need to focus on weight loss and improving your health so that you can have a safe pregnancy and healthy baby.

It sounds like you're overwhelmed at the moment, so maybe you should focus on ONE thing at a time instead of trying to change everything all at once. Your ONE thing this month could be a commitment to exercise XX minutes a week. The best kind of exercise is the kind that you like enough to keep doing it. You could go to group exercise classes at a gym, or if you have enough discipline, exercise alone at home using your equipment and/or exercise videos. I do better if I go to group classes - it's more fun.

Also, I'm wondering about something you haven't mentioned in your post, is: what is your restriction like right now? Could you need a fill? And when was the last time you saw your bariatric surgeon? Maybe you need to go back to him/her for a pep talk and band refresher course?

Jean

Hi there, stranger!!

I think what you have described is pretty much a well worn path for many of food addicts.  MOST of us have been able to lose MANY MANY pounds in the past.  Our addictions take over again at some point, sometimes it feels like its all out of our control. 

The good news is, it IS under your control.  I have to keep telling myself the same thing.  We DO have control what we put in our mouths, we DO have control how much physical activity we get. 

Easier said than one?  Yep!!  Are we worth it?  Yep!!

Sometimes I try to remind myself that even though I think I am going to be miserable if I don't have that handful of chips or crackers I want so desperately....I will actually survive and be happier if I just say no. 

One day at a time........that's all that we are given anway, right? 

Don't apologize for rambling.  No need to.  I know my thoughts can often be all scrambled up and it helps to just start writing what we are thinking.   You WANT the help otherwise you wouldn't have posted.   That is a good start.   We all know what it's like to lose weight and we all know how terribly hard it is to maintain that weight loss.  I have lost weight tons of times and have gained it all back and more tons of times.  You say you want to start a family really bad.
You need to get a handle on the food cause you're gonna gain more weight once you get pregnant and then you'll have even more to lose!   How are you going to feel at 300 lbs trying to play with your child?  Not very good.  You already are down on yourself.   It's not a fun place to be in, I know.  You deserve to feel better about yourself and you will once you have your food under control again.  Being out of control with our food makes us feel like everything in our life is out of control.
Go back to basics.   Did you keep a food journal before when you were losing weight?  Do you still have it?   Go back and see what you were eating then and start doing it again.  We all know what we NEED to do, it's just doing it is the hard part.   Just do it for ONE day.  Then REPEAT!
Slowly you'll get back to those good band rules and good food choices again.  Measure your food, write it down, drink your fluids.  Get your body moving again.  Start with 10 min and work up from there.  I absolutely hate and struggle with just going for a walk on most days.  I was doing good and had worked my way up to 30-40 min and now I haven't walked in 3 days.  I am an undiciplined person by nature and I hate to move!!!  That is my biggest struggle right now.

Now, I"M rambling!!!  LOL    C'mon girl.  We're all in this together.  Come on here everyday and post your food or whatever helps you to get motivated.   Ok, now I'm going to tell you that I WILL go for my walk today.  UGH!!!   Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!   NO!!!!!! 

Lyn

Well, if it makes you feel any better…. You are certainly NOT alone in your frustration!! I rarely come to this board anymore, but I remember you from before & right after my surgery! I just thought I would share my experience; maybe it will help you feel some better. I will try to make a long story short(er)…   I started at 312.2 as a high… doctor wanted me to lose 40 pounds before he would schedule my surgery, which I did – trying on my own for several months before finally succeeding with OptiFast. My surgery was scheduled for 10/21/08. I gained a few pounds from my week or so of “last meals" and on the morning of surgery, weighed in at 279.2. The two weeks after surgery, I lost almost 20 pounds!! When I went to mushies, I STOPPED losing!! I didn’t lose anymore until January 2009, when a cold got me down and I lost a few more pounds. Little by little, I finally got to about 255. Off & on during this entire time, I had trouble eating. I would try the solid proteins & they got stuck everytime!!! OMG, I tried to eat pot roast once & I honestly thought I was going to DIE!!! I vomited EVERY DAY!!! I stopped going out with family, because I knew I would have to go to the bathroom & throw up! My family reunion was a disaster!! I took two bites and had to run to the bathroom. I was sick & was *SO* embarrassed, because I knew everyone in the small community center probably heard it! No trips with friends… no eating in public much at all, except work where I had no choice. So, like many, I turned to the junk stuff that would go down!   Despite all this – I was gaining!! Finally, I got fed up with being isolated and fearful (of embarrassing myself) that I called and got an unfill!! He only removed 2 cc’s but that was enough to allow me to eat pretty normally!! So I went from 312.2 to 255, and two weeks ago I was 316. I am SO disgusted!! I have managed to lose to 309, but that’s thanks to a recent surgery that left me with little appetite!!   Now, a back problem causing little activity & strong injections of steroids did not help my weight loss any, but to say that is the cause would just be another excuse!!   I am convinced this was just NOT the surgery for me!! I think about RNY from time to time, but for every 1 person I hear from with a great story… I hear at least 2 that were awful!!   Anyway… you are not alone!! It is not a fool proof process!! I wish you all the best for your health and future family!!   Tonya   P.S. I have a treadmill at home, and access to several exercise machines at work!! Having a treadmill, does not ensure you will use it!! 

It's good to see you and Tonnebug back! We are all battling this war you are so not alone.I had my band in Oct. 2007 before that I had lost 25 lbs. and lost 20 lbs in the first year after that nothing! So I am dissappointed in my band it's not at all what I expected. I still try to eat healthy food but exerise is pretty much nil between my bad lungs, arthritis, and fibro I barely can get out of bed much less excercise. I've gained back maybe 10 lbs but seem to be holding at about 275 lbs. I've had to just accept that this wasn't the surgery for me but it was the only one my surgeon would do because of a clotting disorder.
As for suggestions, well of course try to get some excercise even if it's only 5 min., it's a start. I agree with Jean just try one thing at a time or it does get overwhelming and then gets dropped. Go back to basic eating and definately journal your foods. Also I find I'm very carb sensitive so myself I have to do something like Atkins or South Beach type diets that severely limit carbs. Both plans are on the internet so look them up and see if one or the other looks like it would work for you.And most important come here and chat with us we're always willing to try to help. There may be a few folks who give you a hard time but just ignore them and keep coming here for support. We're all in this war together!