Just Not Up To It

I'm sorry I haven't been participating lately. I have just not had the heart for it. I am starting to do better, though and wanted to update ya'll on things around here. We adopted a baby 17 years ago. She came from a very abusive home and had been born with mental disabilities. She was suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome, cocaine, nicotine and marijuana addiction. It is a miracle she ever survived, being born at 6.5 months and suffering all of her problems. Life with her has been a rollercoaster. She has had so many learning disabilities and we tried so many ways to get her the help she needed. She is a very loving person and was such a big part of our family. She turned 18 last Christmas. Since then it was a daily struggle. She could not understand why since she was an "adult" she could not enjoy all of the things adults enjoy. She wanted a driver's license, a car and a place of her own. This from a girl that cannot read. We have been thru tutoring, Hooked on Phonics, .... the whole nine yards, to no avail. But she was becoming a very angry troubled girl. On June 15, she left home. We did not hear from her for two weeks. The law said that since she was 18 we had no recourse. We could do nothing to make her come back home. When she did call, she talked to her Dad, very cold, to the point of rudeness. Seems she has hooked up with a guy she had been talking to on the phone for less than a month. (They were acquaintances from SC, but haven't seen or talked to each other in three years) He is not exactly a genius either! She has gone to SC to be with him. Anyway, my heart has been broken and I have worried about this child since she left home. I know that she will eventually come home, broken, and probably pregnant. Our family is devastated. She chooses not to have anything to do with any of us and it really hurts. Our grandchildren loved her so much and they ask about her all the time. What do you do? I know I have to let her go and make her own mistakes. If she were mentally whole I would not have so much a problem with it, maybe. But I know she will be used and taken advantage of and not even realize what is going on. So, while this has been going on, I have not felt like I could contribute anything worthwhile to this or any forum. I feel like such a failure as a parent that I could not give this child everything she needed to be a whole person. It has consumed every part of my days and nights. I love her and miss her terribly. We have been through so much together. I am trying to get back to "normal", whatever that is. I realize it will take time, but I need to get on a more even keel. You di not invest that many years in a person and feel nothing when they walk out of your life. Patricia

Oh, Patricia my heart goes out to you. You are an angel dear, to adopt a little girl with those issues takes special people and I bless you for that. You have given her so much more than the life she was offered. This is such a difficult time for any parent, the turning of age. I have one that will turn 18 in Feb and she is always saying well I will be an adult. I am not looking forward to this birthday, so I do know what you are going through with that. The only thing that I can say, is keep the door open. I hope and pray she will see how much you have to offer her and that she will realize the mistake that she has made and will come back. I know there are the fears of "what will come back" and those are so ok to have. I have niece that several years ago ran away from home. She was 16 at the time, there was no contact at all. My sister and parents went through hell with her. I say my parents too because my sister was going through a nasty divorce and depended so much on my parents. She came back after a month or two. Life was very difficult but eventually things worked out. My niece had several mental issues and it was difficult just not knowing. Patricia, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL parent, you have given this girl so much more than she would have had. She started out life with a disadvantage and YOU took her in an did a wonderful job. This I know because it takes a special person to adobt and an angel to adopt a child with issues. You are not a failure, she is just taking you down a difficult road right now, and I really will pray that she sees this very soon and will come back to your open arms. She will come back to you, I just feel this in my heart. Please as hard as it is take care of yourself. She may need you more than ever when she realizes what she is missing. If you need anything you can email me. I will be happy to give you my number if you just want a shoulder to cry on. My email address is [email protected] Bigs Hugs going to you and your family, Jodi

Patricia. I'm so very sorry. I can see that your "mother's heart" is broken in two. Please know that this board and the site is about the "whole person" and being a part just means being here -- good, bad, ugly. Don't feel that you have to have a smiley face post to be a part of this community. I, for one, care about the whole Patricia and I know what you are experiencing will affect your spiritual life, your mental health and your weight loss journey -- all of you. Even when things stink, please be a part -- get support and give support because just being here and being a part of the forum aids us all as we seek to form an online community. You and your precious little one (yes, I know she's an adult, but I know how YOU feel) are in my thoughts and prayers. All my best, Frances

Don't sweat it too much darlin, I have a son who just turned 18 and is learning disabled. Probably not as much of a handfull as your daughter, but he also still keeps proclaiming that he is 18 and can do what he wants. Well, to say the least, we keep the roof over his head, make sure that he has something to eat and so forth. He threatens to leave and all that stuff, but he always comes back. I have no daughters and I am sure that the concerns are a little deeper when it is a girl, but do not worry so much, if things get bad, she will come home. My counselor says that the kids today feel that they are entitled and I can believe that. They also think that we owe them something, no matter how much they get from us. Don't let it get to you, when she is no longer happy with the way things are going, she will come home. Pray for her safety and she will come back. They are just so headstrong and think they know it all, something like we were when we were that age. Pray for her and so will we. Take care. Debbie

Hi, Patricia. I'm sorry about your experiences with your daughter. I hope everything will work out on its own, but you might want to consult with -- well, I'm not sure, but I guess -- a social worker, an attorney, or both. Best of luck to you and your family.

Patricia I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now. I so hope it works out for you. I'm sure she will come to her senses and realize what she is doing. Take care of yourself. Tina