Feeling Jealous...

I don't want this to come off wrong, so I'm going to try to be careful in how I say it. I find myself feeling jealous, because I keep seeing so many pregnancy posts. I am truly happy for the joy I know these families must be feeling. Sigh. I got my tubes tied when Maggie was born. I wish now that I hadn't. I even called my OB/GYN to see how it would cost to reverse it --- $2900. That's not in the realm of possibility right now. Even if I had that money, Our family lives paycheck to paycheck right now. Babies cost alot. It's not practical. But I so want it. I am telling myself though, I'm only 32. I still have time, it doesn't have to be today. And when I think about it, I'm not totally sure I want a baby in some ways. They are alot of work, sleepless nights, bottles, diapers... But I feel like there's an empty space in our family too. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head. I tried sharing with Mike a couple of times, but he's distinctly positive that he does not want to go through this again. So I thought I could share here.

 

Linda

I can understand those thoughts Linda. Heck I will be 48 next month and about 4 years ago I had a scare... fearing my husbands vasectomy hadn't worked. Of course I figured it must be the onset of menopause instead of pregnancy but, for that few days I was excited and also sad when I found out that I wasn't preg. I think all women can't get over that want and need to have another baby. 
In your case it is different and so much harder. That is something that you and your husband have to share. Have you thought about being foster parents or even starting a day care in your home? It might pay more than the other second job that takes you outside of your house. If you have a small daycare it might pay off once you get established. Something that will put you around children more and fill that void in your heart.
Just an idea.

Thanks for replying, Johnna. We had thought about fostering prior to Maggie, but at this point, it would be too painful to lose another child out of our home, even in those cir****tances. I don't know. It's too much to think about right now. It would have to wait till Mike's open too it, too. I believe any child should be wanted.

Sweetie, I feel your pain. Maybe not the weight of it, but the understanding of it. Having cancer & having to have a hysto because of the cancer ended any chances of me giving Matt another child. We will always have just Quinntin. I mourn daily (if not more often) of the children that could've been & won't be but yet just a painful thought for me. Matt is such a wonderful father and Q is such a good kid but neither will never get the privleage(sp?) of another son/daughter or sibling on a disease that took my choice, my options, my right away from me. I too have even thought about fostering to fill the void.... but..... then realism, like yours, sets in. I wish I knew the answers to the pain, even though my pain isn't even near that of yours (yes, I really will never understand the loss of two beautiful children that once were like you have) you and I and anyone should never have to experience.

Hang in there sweetie..... your not alone in your jealousy, longing, and heartful sighs when there's a pregnancy post. I'm right there along with you. 

 

Uber Hugs

Blessings & Prayers
Jodi

Linda
Sweetie my heart breaks for you  and i do not call it jealousy,i have not lost a child as you have but since i know i cant have anymore i find myself yearning for just one more baby.
Have you thought about becoming a big sister?
Neil and I were foster parents and right now i think that would be hard for you.
Hang in there honey and we are always here for you and what you are feeling is normal .
Im sending you big huggs.
The other day in Krogers i seen the most adorable little girl about 11 months old dancing in her seat and its all i could do not to grab her and run but i played with her and talked to grandmal and realized i am only human with the yearning for 1 more..

Share honey... Wish I could help[ ease the pain but I cant.. neither could another child I am afraid.. God love and keep you while you grieve.

Linda Kay

Linda,

  I don't think your feelings are odd at all. I don't have children and can't imagine your loss but when my mother died I had a lot of thoughts about having a baby.  I think maybe when we lose  a connection like that we hope to find another.  I know several women that have lost children (although, not in the way you have) that immediately want to try again. 
  I think it is amazing that you are practical enough to realize that your situation is not neccessarily right for a baby right now.  A lot of people would just act without thinking in an attempt to ease the pain. 
  You are very young.  There may be more children in your future.  There is always adoption as well as fostering.  I think your strength through this horrible tragedy is amazing.  I hope you realize how well you are doing.  It's okay to address your feelings for wanting a child.