MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS JUST DON'T GET IT...................

I need to vent.................While being back home with my parents, brothers, SIL's, aunts & uncles, there were things said that really irritated me about weight loss, numbers on the scale, and other comments.

Everyone but my dad, me, and my SIL are obese or MO.  All are diabetics except me and my one brother.  My SIL has a diabetic insulin pump and the rest give themselves shots.  MY SIL has never had a weight problem in her life.  She was very excited because she can now wear a size 6 jeans instead of size 8.  Everyone, including myself are very happy for her.  She said she knew that I would understand how she felt.

Then she told everyone what she weighed.  She is the same height as me but she is more petite.  No one blinked an eye or said anything negative about what her number on the scale was and that she was too skinny.

BUT.....when I was at my lowest weight ever (where she is now) and wore a size 6, they all said I looked sick and I was too skinny.  They said I needed to put some weight back on.  They went so far as to say that they thought I was aneroxic.  Give me a break!!!!  What is the double standard all about??

So I said to them, hey, why did all of you say I was too skinny and looked aneroxic but you all think my SIL looks perfectly fine?  They still said that they still thought I was too skinny.  They said my arms looked really scrawny and my face looked drawn in.

I know they have seen me most of my life as an MO person.  This is how they are "use to" seeing me look.  So when I lost over 225#, they thought I was too skinny, yada, yada, yada.  

I've had cosmetic surgery done on my arms.  I had that flabby skin removed.  So my SIL raises her arms up and said, this is not skinny. This was shocking to my family and it shows the double standard.  It's ok for her to look that way but not me.  WHY?  This really made me mad.

Mom actually went and got out the picture of me again, when they thought I was too skinny.  It's in my profile.  I'm sitting with my legs crossed on my couch in a beautiful black formal dress that I wore for my son's wedding.  They were all saying that was too skinny for me.  I looked aneroxic. 

That was such a wonderful time of my life.  It's my son's wedding and I get to wear a beautiful, sexy dress.  I felt like a million bucks and I felt perfectly healthy. But I opened my mouth and gave them numbers.......dress size and number on the scale. I was proud of myself.   I've learned to keep my mouth shut.  They stole my joy and I'm angry because I allowed them to do it.  My WLS doctor told me that I was at the bottom of my BMI but all my blood work was good and I felt fine.  

I'm talking about this now because hindsight teaches us so much.  Family and friends perceive me as who I use to be and how I use to look, not who I am now and how I look now.  They watch everything that goes in my mouth.  First I'm too fat and now I'm too skinny.  First I eat too much and now I don't eat enough.  I don't feel like I can just be "human"  and normal. I've come a long way in almost 9 years since WLS but  they hold me to a higher standard.  

Their various comments tell me they think I am where I am today because I had my stomach stapled, not because I've changed my eating behaviors and worked hard to lose the weight and keep it off for 9 yrs.

All these diabetics in my family and they eat whatever they want, whenever they want.  They don't care about their blood sugar levels. ( I'm only speaking about my relatives, not all diabetics.  Don't take offense).  They just take a pill, take a shot, or push the button on the insulin pump and they believe they are fine.  But I have to use self control, discipline myself, and learn how to say NO to my old eating habits that creep back in.  I just don't feel validated by them for what I've accomplished.  I feel like there must be something I'm doing wrong if they still don't see the difference in me.

Mom thinks now that I'm at goal, my work is done.  If I say something about my exercising, she says Why am I doing that?  I don't need to lose weight?  Dah, I do IT because I want to maintain my weight.

Why do I still go see my WLS doctor?  Why do I still see the dietitian?  Why do I still go to support group meetings?  I'm tired of trying to defend what I do and why I do it.  

I'm not even sure I should be saying the things I'm saying now.  My emotions are all mixed up and I feel off balance.  

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     I need to get out of this rut I'm in.
  

    

kat,its hard to defend ourselfs to our family,and when ours parents come from olden days there thinking is one sided but you are a strong to do what you done for 6 yrs. your family should be proud.but i have faimly some of them support me some dont but when it comes down to it , it is us that make our choices,and we stand by our choices you look great os you should be proud your oh family is  huges huges

Thanks Alta.  What you said about choices is true.  Choices is the key word here. I try so hard to try to please them, but pleasing people should not be defined as "I will just nod my head and not say a word."  I felt like I should just be "a good little girl"  and act submissive.  That is not who I am anymore.  Wait a minute, I AM a good girl......  I have to find some humor in this.  Anway, you know what I mean.  I have a backbone now and I'm so much more inclined to show that.  But its really hard with my family.

I've made lots of bad choices in my life and I accept responsibility for those choices and I've worked hard to turn those choices around into something good and positive.   I've also made lots of damn good choices in my life that I'm proud of and I just wish that they could see that.  They are very negative minded people.  I've worked really hard to change my negative thinking into positive thinking but that is threatening to them.

All things happen for a reason.  This experience has only made me stronger in my willpower to maintain my weight loss and not go back to who I use to be.  I don't give up, I'm not a quitter, and I will bounce back from this.  They did me a favor.  They lit a fire under me and I'm on my way.

They are use to seeing you one way and that is their image of you. Especially if so many are heavy they must feel inadequate around you so what people do is show concern in odd ways. They must have your best interest at heart. It is frustrating though when people say things that just sound utterly ridiculous. I'm sure there is jealousy there as well. Glad your SIL understands.

Thanks Johnna.  Yes they are use to seeing me one way and having that image of me.  But I have, and need to continue, to break out of that old mold.  I don't want anyone trying to put me back in that "old" mold.  They don't understand how important that is to me.  

 I do believe their is jealousy.  My mom had GB back in the 70's.  It was done the old way and she was not successful.  She had to have it reversed after 5 years.  I don't blame her for that.  I don't lecture her or act uppity about it.  But I know it really bothers her that I've done so well.  If I say the slighest word about "my program" and how I live my life since WLS, she gets really defensive.  I just wish I could share my ups, downs, successes, and setbacks with her without her getting defensive.  I think I'm a very grounded and humble person but it just would be nice to hear so much more positive things come out of her mouth concerning me and my journey. 

Gosh Kathy, I sure can relate to that. I was brought up with a very self-negative mother. Although I love her dearly and she does compliment me but she has always been so negative and maybe that is part of their age group. I just don't know but, the defensiveness and negativity can really wear on the people around them. I know how you feel.

 

Kathy,

 Huggs to you!   I'm so glad I read your post today.  I don't even know if it was posted today, yesterday or when but girl this was a very post that I hope others read. 

You have done an awesome job with your weight loss and keeping it off for years!  A lot of people think the surgery is a miracle cure and you don't have to watch what you eat after the surgery... you are proof the diligence must go on.  You are proof that no matter how much you love them - your family may still need to be put in their place...  LOL!  I'm starting to get the looks from my family and the questions about how much more weight I intend to loose.  Do they ever REALLY see us?  Or do they continue to compare the new us to the old us?  Don't know about you Kathy but the old, heavy, depressed Frankie doesn't really exist any more.  She's been peeled away like a banana.  What's left after you've peeled me is STILL the same funny, loving, compassionate person, only now I'm a lighter and I have more ENERGY to do stuff, I shop more, spend more time with family and friends... I just feel a lot better about me and it shows from the inside out.

I understand you being upset and mad but DON'T let them control you that way.  You are a wonderful person and you and only YOU can let them upset you!!

Huggs,
Frankie

I can relate to you talking about the old Frankie not existing anymore.  I just really felt truly comfortable in my own skin as a thin person when I went to Aruba for my son's wedding in January.  I talked about that in my last blog and I have a few pictures from the wedding with my photo's.  To be able to wear shorts, tanks tops....with no sleeves to cover my arms, wear a bathing suit, and have all the energy I had was truly beyond words.  To fit in the airplane seat and their dinky little restrooms was amazing to me.  I don't travel much so this was truly an eye opening experience for me.  I even bought and wore my first ever, cute little sundress.  I wasn't sweating profusely from the heat.  It was paradise to me.  

The old Kathy would never have lasted 10 minutes doing all the things I did over there.  My energy was great.    I wasn't just feeling good physically, but also mentally, and feeling good from the inside out.  And my ex being there and observing me in my cute little clothes, in my bathing suit,  and dancing at the reception and having so much fun, was priceless.  Maybe I need to stick my tongue out at my family too but that's just not me.  

Thanks everyone for your support.  You truly are my family and it's great to be home.

Big hugs,
Kat  

One more thing I forgot to mention, I was also told that I am not acting nor dressing  appropriatley for my age!  This is another thing they just don't get. 
I don't want to dress matronally.  I'm not showing anything or revealing too much of anything.  Who ever came up with "age appropriate" anyway.  

I really struggle with this one.  I don't dress like a teeny bopper but heck yes, I really enjoy being able to shop anywhere I want and having so many more choices about what I can wear.  

I can even wear ankle bracelets for the first time in my life.  And I even got a couple toe rings.  I've decided I've worked really hard to get where I am today and I want to enjoy feeling sexy, confident, and alive again.  I like seeing that silhoulette in the dressing room with something new and different on and being totally blown away by what I see in  that mirror. 

I've had a tummy tuck, had my twin girls lifted up from drooping down to my belly button, and had my arms done.  I've paid lots of money for all that work.  So why do I have to hide my figure now.  I'm even criticized for having cosmetic surgery.  They think my money could have been more wisely invested.  But I don't regret for a second what I've done.  It was worth every penny.  And I'd do it again.  I didn't borrow any money for anybody so its none of their business.  

Since I've been MO most of my life, I don't know what the word "fashion" means.  I always dressed nice but this is sooooo different.  After covering my legs, arms, and tummy most of my life, its very weird for me to look at myself  exposing my legs in shorts, exposing my naked arms LOL with no shirt sleeves, and wearing form fitting clothes that show that I have a waistline.  That's not immoral or inappropriate.  And I will be so blunt as to say that my twin girls look mighty nice too but I don't dress tacky or sleezy or like a ho.  

I feel this push and pull all the time about this age appriopriate thing.  Yes, I like to wear VS undergarments but what's wrong with that?  We all helped out with the laundry, so they saw my VS bikini panties and sexy bra's.  Why can't I wear those things?  I want to experience all the joys of shopping for new clothes but yet I've been taught to "not bring attention to myself."  So I'm vulnerable to their comments and don't have the confidence for this new challenge in my life.  

Anybody else experience this?? 

Kat,

I am right there now ! I have some family that tells me the same things !!  If I want to wear my VS  panties & sexy bras. I will and do !!!!!!
I could make 20 pairs of panties out of my old panties  LOL !!!!!. You are so beautiful so I say " YOU GO GIRL" !!!!    
 PS I still have a small problem with showing my arms but I
believe I will gain confidence everyday  or have plastic surgery. 
Big hugs, love & Blessings, Gail