Checking in...

Hi there. How are you all doing? I've been doing pretty miserably. I was supposed to have worked at Sears Friday and Saturday nights. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the motivation, energy, anything. They were really nice about it, and found covers for those shifts. Friday night, at home, I got a twinge and started going through Maggie's room. We said we were going to donate her clothes to a local charity that helped us after the flood. I started sorting and bagging them. I wasn't kidding when I said the girl had enough clothes for 3 kids her age. I counted pants - 45 pairs. She did so love to shop. She was quite the little consumer. Saturday morning, I took clothes, toys, books, and such to the charity. They seemed to really appreciate them. We took her little girl bed to another charity that operates a thrift store in town. Mike set up a generic full sized bedframe we bought, and we are using the box spring and mattress to have a guest bedroom.

I see the pictures she colored still on the fridge. I can't believe my little girl is gone. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread. Somedays I'm functioning, and some days I'm not. Saturday, yesterday, I layed down in bed around 5pm, and didn't make it up until about 10:30am this morning. Last night there was a Law and Order SVU marathon on. I would see part of one, fall asleep and wake up in another.

I feel so empty. I think I've been eating to try to fill the void. I did that after Lucy died. I gained about 60 pounds that year. I went on a (regular, not diet) Coca-cola bender then. I drank 10 or so a day, I'll bet. That sure contributed to that 60 pounds. I have already gained 5 pounds since 2/22/09. I am afraid to keep gaining. Maggie wouldn't want her mommy to be fat again. She didn't remember me that way, she was too young. I have to get back on track. Have been eating crappily. Today I ate a bag of peanut M&MS for lunch, for example.

Linda

There are no words that can make you feel better but I just want you to know that I think of you often and pray for you to heal. I can't imagine the pain you are in. Keep coming back and just know everyone here cares

My heart breaks for you. In all this tragedy, I am inspired by your generosity with Maggie's orgens and now with her personal belongings You probably already know that food can be a source of punishment as well. I don't deserve to be healthy. That kind of thing, but I can tell by your kind spirit you do deserve to be healthy. God has a plan for someone like you with such a generous heart. Just listen and you will find your pupose. I am sure your Maggie has taught you many life lessons. God Bless you. Wendy

Linda I am so sorry your suffering.  I sure wish grief came with a manual so we would know how to do it and get through it.  I hope you can find yourself a support group or doctor who will have the perfect inspiration to get you through this trying time.  I think of you and your family often and pray for peace in your lives.

Jeannie

Linda,

I was not lucky enough to be able to have children and I can't imagine what you've gone through first with Lucy, then Maggie.  I am glad you are able to post here with us for support.  It's great you felt like you were ready to pack her clothes up to give to kids who need them.  You have such a giving heart and so did Maggie.  I never met Maggie but she  wouldn't want you to suffer the way you are.  Yes, it's ok to miss her and love her but to fill the void of her with food is NOT what she'd want.  Food is a crutch for you right now but you need to find someone or something else to lean on.  She wouldn't want to stuffing down a bag of M&M's instead of treating yourself to a healthy lunch.  Neither would Mikey for that matter...and he needs you know too.

I was overwhelmed by your strength at the bowling alley.  I know a lot of people who would have been curled up in a ball and not wanted to do anything like that for their family.

You know Linda, GOD LOVES YOU and it's time for you to remember how to love you too. 

Huggs,
Frankie

Linda

Words are so hard to come by when I think of what you have gone through and continue to go thru on a daily basis.  I don't think there is anything anyone can say that could make you feel any better. I know I was so lost when my Mother past. I had to find something to keep part of her with me.  She loved butterflies. She had a butterfly house, a butterfly bush and flowers specifically planted to attract butterflies.  So I chose to get a butterfly tattoo on my foot with the word MOM hidden in the wings.  Its very tasteful and I get so many compliments on it.  I am not sayin to run out and get a tattoo.  Just think of something that reminds you so much of Maggie and something will come to you.
 

Linda,

Most of us have used food to cope with the bad times in our lives.  Don't beat yourself up, just pause before each bite and ask "Is this going to make me feel better?"  Sometimes, even when we know the answer is "NO!" we take that bite anyway.  You should be proud of the fact that you come here looking for support.  At least you are looking, instead of hiding. 

Please remember, even though we can't take the pain away, we are here for you in any other way that we can help.