Sundowning...

I remember that term, sundowning, in a counseling class. They were saying things got worse in the evening for people in a mental health unit. I think. I can relate to that tonight. I'm getting more and more down as the evening goes on. I slept in until 12:30pm or so. Then finally got showered for for today. We ate some lunch and I worked from 3-6pm. Then we had dinner. Now I'm just home. I just want to go back to sleep, I think, but I also recognize I don't need to sleep 18 hours a day. I did take the dog for a nice walk. That was good atleast. I have eaten better today, too. I weighed in at 150lb this morning. I haven't been in the 150's since last summer. About 6 months ago. Maybe 7. I can't regain. It wouldn't be what Maggie would have wanted for me. She didn't even remember me as obese. She just remembered me as her skinny mommy. I want her to continue to be proud of me.

I feel so down and lost most of the time. I don't even think it's actually set in yet. Why do I have to go through this again??? It's not fair. Losing a child is not supposed to be something you have experience for. I want my little buddy back. I feel so empty.

Linda, I have read everyone of your post, but have never responded.  I just cant even begin to imagine your deep deep sorrow.  When I try to imagine myself in your place I just instantly start crying.  Your so right, its not fair, we know that everything happens for a reason, but I  just can not even image the "why" for you.  Greiving is a process, I wish you could wake up one day and the hurt would be gone, but it wont be.  I hope your getting the support you need and that you reach out when you need to.  You still have that little boy who needs his mommy, he too needs you to be strong and healthy.  I pray for you often and will continue to do so.  Dawn H.

Linda
I also have read your posts and never responded.  I also can't imagine what you are going through but wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss.  Please have faith in GOD and know that he will not give you more then you can handle.  There is a reason that he took Maggie from you.  She is now an Angel that is watching over you and your family.  Know that she will always be with you and in your heart.
Jacque
 

Linda, I'm glad you are at least coming here and expressing your feelings.

Just as Maggie wouldn't have wanted weight gain for you, she also would not want to see you so down.

You have valid questions.  Your feelings are normal. 

Know that we love you and take comfort in the fact that your beautiful little girls are together at last, and you will hold them both in your arms one day.  In the meantime, hold your son.  He needs you now, as does your husband.

We love you - can you feel our arms around you?

Hugs sweetie.  Come here and vent whenever you need to.

Linda
Not a day goes by that i dont think about you and your family.
I agree with the others Maggie wouldnt wonna see you sad or hurting.
My gmal told me once when i questioned death that we are all here on a mission from God and when are mission is finished he calls us home.
Maggie brought more joy to your life and received more love from you than most people get in a lifetime.
I know that doesnt help the hurt or your missing her but remember you will always be her mommy and her your little blonde angel and she is with you always in your thoughts and dreams she will never leave you Linda.
Huggs and much love

Linda I am so sorry you have to suffer through the loss of your lil girls.  I can only imagine that I would want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head also in your position.  I hope you find the strength you need to carry yourself through your daily life while you grieve the loss of your Maggie.  I know Mikey needs his Mommy to guide him through this time.  Remember if one day at a time is too much, shorten it and take it one hour at a time and decide for this one hour I will not lay in the bed.  Thats the thing about grief they don't give us any rules or guidelines on how to handle it so we don't know how.  I hope that you can find peace in your life.

Jeannie

Linda,
I just want to send you big hugs. I wish I had the answers to your questions. Unfortunately I don't. I was told the other day that if sleeping is going to be a coping mechanism for a little while then do it. It beats some of my bad coping mechanisms.  My therapist said by all means go to bed. So if you need to rest you need to rest. I wish I had a magic wand to make all of this disappear for you. I think about and pray for your family daily. (( HUGS )) for you.

i am sure all these feelings are natural...and going to happen....better and more good days are coming...what you have gone through is the worst a parent can see happen...so only natural thee feelings,,,but you have mikey to keep going for...

Linda, I just want to send you a huge Cyber Hug!!!  I know you are a strong person, you have shown that to us so many times in the past.  Maggie is so proud of you for the way you are carrying on with your life and will be your strength now to get by each day, and even each hour ...like Jeannie says... one step, one day, one hour at a time.  Depression is normal during grief and you are at least aware and seeing it.  So don't let it overcome you.  You have a "black belt" for an Angel!!!  Let Maggie help you kick this.

Is there some place you can plant flowers outside or make a shadow box for Maggie and You to share this summer?  I know if you plant some, Maggie will shine her beautiful smile down from Heaven thru the sunlight.  Lucy and Maggie will watch them grow and the three of you can share special talks while you walk in the sunshine.

Maybe if you find a new routine at night to do before bedtime, it will help make it easier on you.  Is there something you, Mike and Mikey can do as a family.... read a story, work on a puzzle, color a picture, .... try to find something you can share with them or even take as your quiet time after Mikey is in bed.  But a routine or hobby type of activity will help you break the cycle of being so depressed and just laying down for bed.

Thanks for being so open and letting us be her for you.

We love ya!
Tracy

Linda,

Thank you for sharing your precious family with us and posting your thoughts here.  I know all of us wish we could somehow take away the pain.  I hope and pray you find a peace and comfort in posting here, as many of us feel we are now an extension of your extended family.  We are for you anytime.  Hugs and blessings!