So much on my mind today

My Hubby has to work today so we gave our Colts tickets to some friends and I am watching the game at home.  I have gone to games by myself before and I don't mind doing it.  But it is something that we do together, it is our thing.  And I decided that if he has to work, then I will pass them on to someone else that can enjoy them while I yell at the tv.  We are blessed to be able to have season tickets so we might as well share that blessing if we cannot go together. 

Well, my foot is not broken after my fall but it is badly sprained.  After resting it for a few days, I got an ankle wrap that covers my whole foot, wrapped it up tight and went back to walking.  It was swollen and bruised but I didn't want to miss out on the exercise.  Every day, I elevate it, ice it and keep it wrapped; for some reason having it wrapped tight makes it feel better. I also went and got a indoor trainer for my bicycle so that I could use that for exercise too. 

In fact, I have used it a couple of times this week; it is setup in the garage.  I went for a 30 minute walk with the Hubby one day and then later that same day I got on the bike and did that for 30 mins.  Then yesterday, I rode for 45 mins and thought I was going to die.  But I did it.  When I was resting after the ride I started thinking maybe I can walk in the morning and ride in the evenings or ride for longer periods of time when the weather gets bads.  We have already established that I am a clutz with a bad back so I do not need to try and walk on snow and ice. 
But then I started to worry.  The last time I became so obsessed with exercise was not good for me.  It was the one time in my life that I was able to lose a lot of weight. 

I had just graduated from college and on my own for the first time in my life.  I had a job, a car, my own apartment and was living in Indianapolis for the first time in my life.  I decided to focus on losing weight and I did it completely wrong.  I joined a well known gym and worked out twice a day everyday.  I ate crackers and drank water - only.  I dropped the weight and got weaker and weaker.  But I figured that it was worth it and kept right on going.  Within 4 months, I had gone from a size 18 to a size 10 but I could barely hold my head up.  When I went to see my family, they freaked out!  I had never been so thin in my life and there was nothing they could say or do that was going to make me change my mission.  I weighed myself daily and obsessed over every pound.

Fortunately for me, I got sick with pneumonia that put me in the hospital for a week (I was unconcious for two whole days with a fever).  I was so run down that my system couldn't fight it off.  But getting sick probably saved my life.  I realized that I couldn't keep up that pace, it was going to kill me.  Over the years I have regained all of that weight and more which is why I am now here.  I have, like everyone else, tried everything to get my weight under control and nothing worked and I have been afraid to go back to that dark place again.  I saw a glimpse of it the other day when I started thinking that I could work out more and more.  I know I need to be careful, it is a fine line that I never want to cross again. 

The sad truth of the matter is that I have never discussed that time with anyone.  I have always been extremely close to my Mom and Grandma, but I refused to discuss it.  I didn't want to talk about it then or ever.  I met my Hubby during that time and he was always very supportive but I never discussed it with him either.  It's funny that I put all this information here.

I was so excited when I realized that I had lost 26 pounds that first week.  But I have decided to not weigh myself again until I go back to the nutritionist/doctor on December 8th.  I don't want to get caught up in the "how much have I lost today cycle".  Yet for some reason all this focus on exercise has brought it all back.  I guess that everyone here can relate on some level.

We all have our demons that brought us to the point of surgery.  Perhaps seeing a therapist with a background in eating disorders would be a good option for you.  St Francis offers free therapy for life when you have your surgery with them, perhaps your surgeons office does also?

Jeannie

Yes, I can definitely relate to so much of what you are saying.  I never could open up about my weight to anyone, my husband, family, good close friends who I've known for years...not even a counselor--until I decided to have WLS.  Now, it's all coming out...those who have met me on here probably think I can't turn it off!  And truthfully, I'm not sure I can...or would want to now!  I am gaining more confidence just at the mere thought that my life is changing for the better.  For me, this is a way that I can take control and responsibility for my own life. 
I'm glad to hear that your foot is not broken. Sounds like you're doing everything you can to help it heal.  
I've treated my body not very kindly for such a long time.  I've also attempted to lose weight in some ways that aren't the healthiest.  Ex. bulimia.  I was losing weight, soooooo.......Thankfully, that was a long time ago, but still it's a part of me and I have to own it too.  
Reaching out for support on this site/attending support groups/seeing a professional therapist are all good things to do to help us stay on the healthy track!  I know that just simply having this surgery is not going to fix the emotional stuff...not matter how many pounds I shed.  I have to constantly work on that part of me!  
Congratulations on your weight loss journey.  There are many people here on the board who will eager to support you!  
Take care and good luck,