Sad, Confused, prayers needed.....

Good Afternoon All.
I am not one to ever ask for prayers so much for myself but I really need to vent some and you all are my closest forum. My half sister who lives in Vegas called me last night. She is a wonderful woman and I really love her dearly. We have been friends now for about 7~8 years. Her mother is my biological mother...I was given up for adoption at birth and God placed me with wonderful parents that I love so much. My birth mother looked me up when I was 26 and wanted a relationship with me. More so at the request of her mother than her own idea. Due to the emotional strain of trying to fit 2 women into the "mom" slot in my life I knew my birth mother and I could never really have a close relationship as she wanted. I had always been told I could know who she is if I wanted and I had chosen not to know. Then out of the blue...she literally shows up on my parents doorstep and expected open arms. There are defiantly too many people who have been watching talk shows about happy endings on adopted children :o) I have always been  well loved and adjusted and felt so special being adopted by my parents. Needless to say it caused me alot of emotional trauma when Alice wanted in my life. I was always kind and nice to her but was honest and told her from where we had started in life that we had no where to go with a relationship. I felt no ill towards her and I thanked her for giving me up as I have been so well loved and raised and had a wonderful family. I told her that she had made a decision that I had no say in that has affected my entire life and I felt she should respect that decision going forward. After months of persisting to work herself into my life she finally backed off and that was the end. Then about 7~8 years ago, the day after my birthday the phone rings and it is my half sister. I immediately liked her and felt a sweet spirit in her. We talked a few times and I met her when she was in the state for a family reunion. After Jon and I married we started taking trips to Vegas. Tonah and her husband live there along with her mother and my older half brother. Tonah and I kept in contact and each trip we get together and go out to dinner and always have a great time the 4 of us. We did go to one family dinner at Tonah's home and she asked if Alice could come and I told her absolutely, that is your mother and I am perfectly OK with that. Tonah has always respected my feelings and we know her mother is her mother and my mother is mine. During the years we have become close to where I am comfortable with her being a sister in my heart and vice versa. We only talk every few months so that is normal for us. Well...last night she called me late and I knew something was wrong immediately....She was trying to be her cheerful self but then said quietly that her Mom had passed on Sunday. I felt so bad for her.....I wish I could be there more for her and am unable to do so. I know this is alot like a soap opera...:o) but even more so...you see I was the middle child given up for adoption and Tonah is 2 years younger than me. Her older brother is crippled from MS and her mother is also crippled from an accident that took one of her legs before any of her children were even born. So...all these years Tonah has taken care of her brother and her mother and always been the care given. She has never once complained or given any impressions that she has had a hard life. On top of that her oldest daughter who is now 31 had spinal meningitis when she was a baby, still lives with her  and needs constant care still as a toddler. Tonah is amazing....as we have grown close over the years I have looked at her and realized that her situation could easily have been my lot in life. But God placed me in a wonderful home and my life has been so much different than it ever could of been. My heart aches for her to go thru this loss right now. I know how deeply I feel about my parents and their failing health and know that someday I too will have this heartbreak to face. It is so hard to explain how I see Tonah's mom as Tonahs mom and am not emotionally attached in a mother daughter way. But Tonah I feel in my heart like a sister too. I even called the airlines to see if there was some super cheap bereavement rate I could get to fly out for the funeral on Friday but just for me alone...it is over $400 each way so it is out of the questions for me to attend. We are not on our feet yet from Jon being out of work and the resources are simply not there. So here I sit feeling pretty darn helpless......Tonah and I talked over an hour last night and we really get along so well. Her mother and I have exchanged several sporatic emails over the past year or so , light airy notes with inspirational forwarded messages attached. I knew it meant alot to Alice and I always responded to her emails. The past couple of months I hadn't gotten any and kinda wondered but I never knew she was in the hospital and Tonah didn't want to burden me so I did not know she was so ill. i have always been kind to Alice but I think deep down I was afraid to let Alice make too much of me in her life as in a way it would have maybe hurt Tonah and Tonah is surely the best daughter anyone could ever have.  She has a wonderful husband that is super to her and I know he will be there for her all along the way. I told her I am there for her anytime she needs me, being the big sister is something she has always wanted  :o) I just feel so badly that I can't be there to hug her and help her thru her grief. I called and talked to my mom after we got off the phone. My Mom knows how I care for Tonah and totally understands my feelings. I felt alot better talking to my mom but still am dealing with the helplessness of it all.  I am so sorry to ramble on but I feel so much better just getting my feelings out :o)
I would ask that you all keep my sister and her family in your prayers during this sad time. And I thank you all for all the prayers and support you have given me....you have always been there and it means so much to me.
Hugs!
Marianne

Marianne..I am sorry that you are going through all this and unable to be with your sister in her time of loss. I think they you have been very kind and honest with Alice and that you held firm on what you needed (and did not need) in your life. Most kids seem to feel pressured that they are suppose to accept their birth mother or fathers and that is not always the case. The fairy tale endings aren't always the way things go and it sounds to me like you and Alice may have  at least ended on a good note. I hope that your sister gets through this and even though you cannot be there in body....she knows you are supportive and are there for her emotionally.  It sounds as if she is one tough cookie...what a great sister you have found in her and her in you!

LeeAnn,
Thank you so much for your comforting words. I would say that Alice and I ended on a good note. As we talked last night, I told Tonah that my oldest daughter (27) was asking about
Alice a few weeks ago and wanted a picture to see what she looks like. I guess you could say years ago I felt a need to not share my children in this part of my life as it was always so hard and confusing emotionally to me that I didn't want to bring that on that roller coaster ride too. Now I feel as if I may have been wrong..... or at least I could have done something differently.... talked to my daughter this morning and told her about Alice. I  could tell she was upset and said she really didn't know how she should feel about it all. She and my mother are very close and when you feel so deeply for family it is hard to look objectively at the situation. Tonah told me that it was one of her mothers dreams that she would get to know my daughters. I never knew that......she said that Alice had kept something to be given to each of them from her and I told Tonah that they and I would be honored. I am just the sort of person that I try really hard to do the right thing and never hurt anyone and now I am second guessing myself thinking I could have done better. I guess that is the normal way :o) Now my part is to do the best I can for Tonah and go on from there. Who ever said life was easy? :o) Thanks so much fro your response...it truly touches my heart...
Hugs,
Marianne

Marianne,

I'm sorry for your sister. I'm sorry that you aren't able to be there for her as much as you would like to be. I understand about tight finances. What a hard time all around. I'm sure Tonah will understand that you can't be there.

Hugs,

Thanks Linda for your kind response. I know it will get better, I am just such a take control person that not being able to help really gripes me! :o) I know that Tonah and I will be closer than ever and she truly understands. What an amazing woman she is. Thanks for the hugs! You are such a sweetie!
Hugs!
Marianne

I do understand how you feel to an extent. A couple years ago my 1/2 sister's mom passed away and I felt horrible that I couldn't be there to help her through it. It hurts.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sister and family.

Thanks Misty, Yes when we aren't able to do more we just let go and let God take control. what a wonderful blessing it is to know that God will bring us thru this.
Hugs!
Marianne

As the words say:

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain
Be still, my soul: Thy best, Thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul:
The waves and winds still know (still know)
His voice who ruled them
While He dwelt below

Wow....That's tough one Marianne,
I am sorry to hear about the passing away of her. Kudos to Tonah for the amazing job she has been doing...That's alot for one plate. Prayers to everone in your family...extended or not :) Hang in there...
 xoxoxo shanna

Thanks Shanna for your thoughts and prayers. I feel so much better just getting my feelings out :o)  Tonah is supposed to call tonight or tomorrow with the funeral information and I want to send flowers to her from me. I know she is going to have some sad days ahead and I plan on doing all I can to keep her spirits up. I know God does all things in his time and his timing is perfect. I always wanted a sister and I am so blessed to have her in my life. My family on here is so wonderful and you guys Rock!
Hugs!
Marianne