How do you tell someone you love?

Next week I will be faced with finally telling my mom that I am starting on this journey. I love my mom, she loves me (unconditionally). But she has lost one daughter and seen me already go through life threatening brain surgery. She has made comments more than one time over the years that she disapproves of WLS, due to the risks, etc. I know she only wants the best for me, but I have to find a way to assure her I will be fine and that this is the absolute best thing I can do for myself. She and all my sisters weigh no more than 120, I've always been the fat kid. She has supported me on my multiple diet attempts over the years, but I am pretty sure she will strugge with this one.

So, my question is what did you tell your disapproving friends/family and help them realize that you need to do this for you? My initial gut instinct was to not tell her until after the surgery was over, but then what if (heaven forbid) smething happened during the surgery? She's never forgive me. But I also don'**** to give her extra stress or fear for the next several months.

ok i think other family and friends...you tell them when you are ready...if you chose to ever tell....thats your business....but your mom...i think its a must...you need that support...even if she is not happy with your decision....she will support you and be there for you thru this....all mothers worry....mine did as well....but she was there for me....just like your mom will be there for you.....maybe it will be too hard for her....but i doubt it....but you are doing this to be a healthier you....just let her know this is to assure her that you will be around a lil longer for her with this lifestyle change....everything has risks.....but if this is what you really want....express this to her...and i am sure she will support you fully....good luck hun.....and stick to your guns....

big hugs
Kim

Telling your family is a hard thing to do.  I have found that unless someone has recently researched bariatric surgery, most people really have no idea what the risks of surgery really are or an accurate picture of bariatric surgery.  So when you talk to your mom, arm yourself with a lot of facts and information for her, so she can see the truth about bariatric surgery.  Over the last few years, I have found that most people base their opinion of this surgery on hear-say and old information from years ago. 

Also, I only told a few people before my first surgery, which was the Lap-band.  Within my family I only told my parents and my brother and his wife.  We didn't tell my in-laws or any extended family.  Several months later I ended up with complications from the Lap-Band and was revised to the Roux-en-Y.  It was after that surgery when we finally came clean with everyone and told them I had bariatric surgery.  I found there are pluses and minuses to boths ways.  The biggest advantage to waiting until after surgery is that there is no room for discussion because it is already done.  No one can try and talk you out of it at that point!  So when you tell your family, if it is before the surgery, stand your ground and let them know that the decision has been made and it is not up for debate.  And be prepared to educate them, because I found that once my family understood the truth about bariatric surgery, they were very supportive.  In fact, my mom has now had it herself.

And also, let them know you have picked an excellent doctor to operate on you.  Dr. Evanson is a wonderful guy and excellent surgeon.  I'm a nurse and this was a big decision for me to choose who was going to operate on me.  So I really researched this with other physicians and nurses I work with that knew of his surgical reputation.  I only heard excellent things about him.

Jennifer

My advise is like Jennifer's, go into the conversation well armed with facts.  My husband was not real keen on the idea but I convienced him I would be fine but showing him statistics in black and white.  For instance my surgeon's office has done 800 surgeries with one death due to a blood clot, that was a statistic we both could live with.  Make it personal by using your personal surgeon statistics.  Also invite your mom to a support group meeting where she can see a group of successful WLS patients. 

Jeannie

I was pretty lucky. If my family/friends disapproved, they didn't tell me about it. I know my mom was worried about me though. Speaking as a mom, she is going to worry. It is major surgery. But you might want to express to her your worries about your health, why you feel surgery is less risky than going on the way you are. I know it won't be easy, but try to hear her when she tells you what her concerns are. Don't just dismiss them. She just worries because she loves you, I assume.

I think you have gotten a lot of valuable information already but I'm going to add my two cents.

Is there a seminar where you can take your mom to ask questions from the professionals?  Can you get statistical information from your doctor's office or take your mom with you?  Do you go to a support group meeting?  If so take your mom along so she can ask questions there.  Do what you can to get her educated about how far advanced WLS has become.   Maybe it would help.  Let her know you need her on this journey.  She's your mom and (hopefully) only wants what's best for you.  Keep us posted.

Julie

Invite her along to one of your doctor appointments or support group meetings.

Let her read some of the website here and I agree... invite her to go to one of the support group meetings and allow her to ask questions.. I know Deb at our support group has had surgery and she has always helped support people we bring ask questions and applaude them for wanting to learn how to support us.

Linda Kay

Thank you all very much for your thoughts! I hope and pray she will take it well. I am lucky to say I have a sister who is going to help me tell her and smooth things over. My sister is very supportive and excited for me. My issue with support groups is that she lives out of town, near Fort Wayne, and isn't down here very often. I think I may drive to Fort Wayne one week though and take her to a support group in Fort Wayne. Will keep you all posted on how it goes.