My Confession

I know I haven't been on the boards lately. For that I deeply apologize. I also hate the fact that here I am FINALLY posting and it's all negative ranting and feeling sorry for myself. I guess in a way I just need for someone to hear me because I'm deeply stressed and deeply depressed. I don't want to be felt sorry for, for there are people far off worse then what I'm probably going to describe. I guess I just need some sort of satisfaction that someone is listening to me. After going to see my father several weeks I've been in an almost downward emotional spiral. To see him so sickly has been devestating. So gaunt looking that his dentures looked like they were to big for his mouth. It wasn't much of a visit either because he was tired almost the entire time (from the chemo treatments) and slept a lot. Since then things around me seem to be going from worse to worser to worser to where I barely feel I'm hanging on by the tips of my fingers. My son's cat has been diagnosed with seizures. Then he was attacked by a dog. I have to wake up three times during the night to check on him and give him his meds. I also have to bath him during those times because during his seizures he urinates on himself and the smell is awful. The mortgage company for the rental property I've lived at for the past four years has notified HUD that I have be off the property no later then March 1st. They are repossessing the property from my landlord and any tenant property or the landlord property left on the estate will be confiscated and locks on the estate will be changed. So I have a week and a half to move and no where to move to as of yet. I also found out that my boyfriend of almost three years has been lying to me about his drug recovery and I'm trying to end my relationship with him. But as a true addict that he is - he's in denial and making me miserable. Then ONLY constant daily positive thing I have going on right now is my son telling me that he loves me and I'm the best mommy in the world. With all this stress I bet you can gather what I did? Anyone want to take a stab at guessing?????? Yeah, that's right. Bad Eating!!! So I gained 8 lbs. And the worse part is is that I didn't even feel bad for gaining it. I got a grip on it and I've lost 5 lbs. I'm just so stressed - so depressed - and short on time and energy all around me. Again - I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just needed to vent and be heard. Thanks For Listening.

Hey there Sweetie! Sounds like you need a big (((((HuG)))))! There are times in our life that cir****tances seem to be really tearing at our very fiber....I have gone thru many difficult times and have learned to surender all to God. I am not capable of going thru these times alone and I have learned time and time again that God will take care of me and protect me. As for your father, enjoy him while he is here and let him know just how much you cherish all that he has been in your life. As for the boyfriend, that is a tough one...our brains tell us one thing and our hearts another. I would say try hard to be clear about your boundries and what you are willing to live with. That is so important for your mental and emotional health as it is for your son. If your boyfriend isn't willing to make the change you will need to be the one to do that. As for the apartment.....it might seem a hassle now but I almost think that you are in for a really big positive change and God may have something special in store for you, with a new beginning in a new place with new happy memories. Children are such a blessing when they are little and so loving, they give true meaning to your life. Concentrate on you and him having a happy stable home and I am sure that God will see you thru. Honey I will keep you in my prayers and I trust God to reveal a path for you. Hang in there! My mother always says....This too shall pass.....And for this we have Jesus! ((((((((HUGS))))))))) Marianne

I know its hard to watch a parent waste away. I watche dmy mother at 19, and now am watching my father as well. Pray. Get down on your knees and pray. Let yourself cry. Heck, do both at the same time. You'll feel sooo much better just to have the emotional release. Even if you have to cry several times a day. Just let your body do what it needs to do (which is not binge, but experience, accept and release emotions). THese things helped me. I don't know what part of town you live on , or what your budget is, but right now there are a TON of houses and duplexes for rent near the airport.

Jody, You know the saying 'that which does not kill us, makes us stronger'? You will survive through all of this...and will come out stronger...and wiser. It is difficult to watch a loved one wither away. My sister died of cancer when she was 32 (I was 28). She & I were never close and when she died, there were alot of unresolved issues..some, still haunts me today, 16 yrs after she died. I was on a work 3, off 4, work 4, off 3 schedule. When I was off, I was with her. This went on for 6 months. No, not alot can be said of the 'visits'. I spent them fixing meals, cleaning house, running Kathy to doctor/chemo/radiation appointments. Issues were not discussed. I felt that anything she had unresolved was between her & God at that point. She didn't have the strength to talk to me, but it takes just a thought to talk to God. During the time that Kathy was going through the process of dying, it did seem like Murphy's law kicked in and whatever could go wrong, did. I do hope the cat improves. Will the seizures improve? If not...has the vet suggested putting him to sleep? It sounds like that might would be better than him suffering. Does HUD have any other houses available? When my kids were little, we lived in Vermillion County (Clinton) and there was no HUD there. There were some low-income apartments, but they only had 1 and 2 bedroom apartments and with me having a boy and a girl, wouldn't allow me to live there even if me & Tiff shared a room. I was fortunate enough to find an apartment that was VERY cheap. I know it's hard to imagine it, but the perfect place is just waiting for you and your son to claim it. Have you considered going through Farmer's Home to buy a house? They help people who qualify for HUD to get their own house. The payments are subsidized and kept low. Just something to check in to. Another housing idea....Ellen lives in the same town as you, doesn't she? Perhaps she would have some thoughts on places available....? I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you dropped her an email. Since Valentines is over, she should have a little more time to check her mail and stuff now. Now...for the eating. Honey! We have ALL been there! And nope, while I'm in the midst of my binging spree, I would feel no guilt what-so-ever. The important thing is you got yourself back on track. YEAH!!! You did fantastic! What I do now, is keep 'good cheating' stuff around...sf cookies (when I just NEED a chocolate chip!), flavored rice cakes (when I NEED the crunch...the sweet or the salty), mixed nuts (NO peanuts...heck, if I'm gonna cheat, gonna cheat in style...haha!), sf candies, and sf Popsicles. I also keep track of everything in Fitday...even my cheats. When I'm over in my fats...I want to know it. Not so I can beat myself up over it but so I can say 'ok Sherri, can't have 1/4 c nuts without going over in fats...since they are 20g. So the next time I want nuts, if I have 10g of fat to spare, I'll have 1/8 cup instead. BTW...went over on fats yesterday...40g instead of LT 30g. Always heard that 'Confession is good for the soul'. I believe that, as long as it's done in a non-criticizing atmosphere, among people who care and understand. You have that here hon. You are doing a wonderful job at trying to be super daughter, super mom, super pet-owner, super post-op. It's only reasonable for someone to say 'hey! I need help here!'. You have friends who care here. Anyway...I wrote a novel here. And I'm sorry everyone who has read it. We all care about you Jody. Sherri

WOW you have alot on your plate right now. I understand how you feel and i think its perfectly normal to be down in the dumps with all you have going on. but you have to pull your self out of it for your own good and your son. eliminate what you can, maybe this will help free up some of your strength to concentrate on the things that you cant change. Remember that the Lord wont put any more on you than you can take. (even though i know you feel like its more than you can bare) You will be in my Prayers, I hope things take a turn for the better very soon. Maybe getting moved will give you a bright new outlook. Dont forget your weightloss success is for "you" Dont let any one of anything take that away from you. I will be thinking and praying for you. Carla

TIME, in time all will be ok, and with your dad, his suffering and pain, i know that has to take a toll on you with just that alone.....you can not control others, and that sucks, and crap to be given such a short time to move, surely they can extend that? would seem 30 days.... ok now think of the good things, you still have your kitty...look at your weight loss and how much easier it is gonna be now to pack and move...you have time with your dad....and that son that knows your the BEST!!!! i know it is all easier said than done... we hear God never gives us more than we can handle but he will test you for sure...

Awwwwwwwwwww....hugs Jpdo Make sure you were given a 30 day notice to move....STATE LAW requires a WRITTEN 30 day notice. If you have been given this notice-please call the foreclosure company and advise them that you have not been given your 30 days notice and you would like the full 30 days to move. As for the boyfriend.....dump his ass.....you don't need it. IT IS NOT HEALTHY TO HAVE HIM AROUND YOUR SON Let alone yourself!!! Be strong gf...I know you can do it And way to go on getting a handle on the eating thing It is but a SMALL set-back and it sounds like you have gotten control of it...don't let it get ya down...we are all human Hugs to ya sweety....hope you make it down in April for the clothing exchange....we are going bowling March 11th...let me know if ya want to come down for that. Take care

OK ignore my typos of poor Jodi's name

Jodi, I agree with everyone and I am not going to repeat it.. Ill just sit here sending you HUGS knowing what an intelleigent loving person you are and knowing you will do what ever is best for you and your son. Lifes a beach!! We ALL eat things we shouldnt.. the good thing about surgery is it is a GOOD reminder to get back on track!!! You have and Im happy for you... you have to stay active with us... we are getting more banders posting with us!!!! I guess our sensitivity to Banders has finally shown thru...(thanks to you for being patient with us RNYers..) Love and Hugs Linda

WOW! I'm sorry for all the problems you've been facing. Sometimes trouble comes all at once. The only thing I can tell you that might help is that you (under Indiana law) must be given at least 30 days notice that your property is being forclosed upon. Even then, they MUST still serve you with the proper papers for eviction, and CANNOT just come in and change your locks and hold your property. They try these scare tacktics to try to bully people into leaving without having to spend the money to legally get them to go. (Mortgage companies can sometimes rate right up there with insurance companies...) The most likely scenario is that the mortgage company will eventually contact you and ask that you send your rent to them. Nothing gets done quickly when it comes to forclosure!