drowning in depression

i'm feeling so down , i thought for  a few my new antidepressant im on was helping me but i dont think so :(..... i am halfway thru my 6 month physician supervised diet, i've lost bout 20-25 lbs so far which is a miracle for me, i have never ever lost that much on a diet before. i should be happy bout that but my husband for one is so bringing me down .
he gives me mixed messages.. sometimes i think he is supportive bout this.. n other times he seems to want to destroy me.. he's more verbally abusive, he tells me to go to dairy queen n buy him a blizzard/shake.. or brings home a frozen pie n wants me to bake it.. he brought home an apple pie once, n i was proud of myself for not baking it, not even tasting it.. a few days ago, he brings home a banana cream pie... n i ate 2 pieces of it.. afterwards, i hated myself.. n resented him more for bringing it into the house.  i kno ultimately its my fault for caving in. sighss.. but whyyyy cant i have a husband who would do everything he could to help me..

the other thing that brought me so down... my husband bought the physical fit wii game. he kept asking me if i would use it.. but supposedly he bought it for my daughter.. i go to input my info in the wii game.. n get on the scale it  comes with. n it says i exeed weight limit... im too fat to use it... gawd i am such a loser.. i hate myself so much . i feel like giving up. i have  a feeling my insurance is goin to deny me anyways after paperwork is sent in.. when i get that denial.. i dont know if i can handle it without breaking completely down.. this is so important to me. i so want to be able to walk without pain again, i want to be a nurse again , i want to work in icu, at wishard.. i miss that . only thing i have to be proud of bout myself.. is being a nurse.. n i try to be the best that i can be one.. i love my patients even the ones who drove us crazy , love the families.. i miss having my own money n not feel like i am having to be taken care of by a man *****sents me. plz God  let me be approved for surgery ~

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmingly depressed. However, the best advice I can give you is to grow some thick skin and become selfish. I believe wholeheartedly that a good dosage of selfishness can be a positive experience, your best friend, and keep you grounded. There are certain things in life that are great to be selfish about as it brings out  great self preservations/resources from within you - your wls journey to change your life for the better, is that selfish moment you are entitled to. Having this surgery is a selfish act that will bring you great rewards, so don't worry about what ANYONE has to say negatively about it. They aren't in your shoes, they aren't in your unhealthy status, they aren't you and never will be & therefore will never understand or be any where near supportive. And that's more then likely probably..... FOREVER! Just worry about YOU. As long as you know what you are doing is the best thing for you.... just continue to be selfish and worry about just you. And whenever they say hurtful things just smile and tell them that you just love being selfish, lol! It will drive them crazy then that they can't break/bring you down. 

SELFISHNESS RULES! OWN IT! USE IT! FLAUNT IT!

Hang in there and good luck

Jodi

Hi...Welcome to our board.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I agree that when it comes to your health, you  must learn to be selfish and do what you feel in your heart is right for you. I was very fortunate to have suportive people around me when I had my surgery. My husband and daughter are and will continue to be my biggest cheerleaders. When I quit smoking though in order to have the surgery? A chemist at work was. Everyone else kept lighting up around me (hubby still does but daughter has quit now too...yaye!). We can't always expect those closest to us to give us what we need all the time...so sometimes, we have to find another source of support. You just did! Us!

Btw..what anti-depressant are you on? It's a curosty thing. I was told in the past that prozak would help you to lose weight...didn't do a darn thing for me when it came to that.

Sherri

ty for ur posts.. they mean alot.. i was on pristiq.. n that didnt do anything for me.. so then the doctor put me on cymbalta. i dont feel like its helping either.. getting to the point i think im immune to these drugs . i wish something would help me. i am avoiding ppl , even my family. i dont go out of my house unless it something i have to do. sighs.. i hate being this way n i wish i could find a drug to help me 'snap' out of this. its been goin on for a long time. but trying to get thru this diet, worrying bout whether i get approved or not, having my husband put me down or sabbotage my effort is jus gettin to me.. ty for anyone *****ads/listens.. i appreciate being able to vent here

You are definitely on the right path.  Just don't think that WLS is the answer to all your depression problems.  Once your weight problem is fixed the other problems don't just disappear.  Your husband is scared.  He is thinking that when you lose weight, you are no longer gonna love him.  He is thinking that if he can keep you from loosing the weight he will keep you.  What he doesn't realize is that he is already pushing you away.  Can you talk with him about this?  Do you have other means of support?  Keep coming hear,  we sometimes use tough love but know that we do care about you.  Sounds to me like a call to your Dr. is in order.  If you don't think your anti-depressant is working, it probably isn't.  Is the Dr. who prescribed you anti-d the same Dr. who is helping you with the 6 month supervised diet?  If not, why don't you talk with that Dr.  Also know that you will have to have a psych evaluation before you will be approved for surgery.  Start thinking about that now.  Maybe a few trips to a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist is in order.  Remember,  only you are in charge of your own happiness.  Stop looking for it in others.  They will only disappoint you.  Know that YOU ARE WORTH IT!


Good Luck to you! 

WOW, I'm so sorry your feeling this way!!!! I'm struggling too with my antidepressents... was on Effexor, then on welbutrin, that was making me angry and having Rage issues, so NOW, I'm on day two of Lexapro.. and I'm hoping this does the trick cause I can't take much more "screwing" with my brain!!!

My husband is supportive.. but there are definately times that he hints ummm dairy queen, or lets go out to dinner..etc..etc.. and Yes, I've caved in and had dairy queen, ice cream cake.. etc... Your going to slip every now and then and it's ok.. get back on your feet and start over... 20-25 lbs on 6 mo weight loss is good.. I gained 5 on mine..LOL..

I definately encourage you to seek counseling, or psychologist or whatever else you think you need... Take care of yourself FIRST!!!!!!  and don't worry about that stupid wii fit... it tells my 7 year old and 9 year old that they are OBESE... so I don't let them use the scale anymore.. ( they are far from that too)..
You can do this!! Talk to your doctor.... Think of yourself!!!
Sandi

i saw my family practice doctor today. he had drawn blood at an earlier appt, n told me today that my B 12 was very low, so i have to take B12 injection weekly x 1 month, then monthly after that. he said that would cause my depression to be worsen,  and also make my nerve pain in my feet worse .he is double dosing my cymbalta n also my neurotin so i hope this all will help me out of this dark hole i feel like im in....... thank u all again for ur responses. huggzzz

Please keep us updated, as I know exactly how you feel and hope you start feeling better REALLY soon!

Hang in there!  You are worth it!  You are not alone in this journey.