Help talking to husband

I could use some advice of getting my husband really "on board" with me having this surgery.  He's got one foot on the boat and is supportive, but refuses to completely jump in with both feet.  It's not that he doesn't support me, or my decision.  He's taking 2 weeks off of work for my recovery after.  It's a fear of losing me during the surgery or due to complications after the surgery.  How can I put his mind at ease?  I thought about taking him to my consult with my Dr. next week, but I'm scared that is going to make him even more nervous because they will be going through the risks, etc.   I've told him this is a health move for me and I'm doing it so I'll be around for him and my kids.  I can tell he's having a hard time because he wants to support me, but he's scared so he pulls an ostrich.  He doesn't want to talk about the surgery.  He'll listen, but he doesn't participate and the look on his face is like a deer in headlights every time I talk about it.  Anyone else have this problem of a supportive husband (or friend or relative), but they are so  scared they can't fully commit to the support?

My husband was against me having anything but a band because he thought that was so much safer. After going to the consult with me and meeting/talking to my surgeon, having his questions answered he was much more at ease with it. I think our family and loved ones just get scared that they will lose us that it sounds like theyre unsupportive. I'd definitely take him to your appointment so if he has any questions they can be answered.

My husband didn't talk much about mine either. he went to the consult, he was there for me with surgery.. gave me my blood thinner shots But did he talk to me about it?? No.. he just wasnt that interested it seemed, he stayed quiet not to upset me or bring up things that might put me off my goals.. He supported me but wasnt really open with the comments.. That was just him... thats why I get all my real support from you guys.. I have him for "other" things.. Linda Kay

I think by all means he should go to the consult with you. I know my husband is probably more behind me than I am. He has went to every appointment that I have had. When the doctor says see you in xxx amount of weeks he says I'll send a message to my boss to get the day off. We have been in this 24-7 since I started this process. He goes on walks, rides bikes, goes to the gym every day, it seems it is his goal to be my shadow. In the process he has lost 30 pounds and is down 2 pants sizes and is very happy about that. He is at his personal goal weight now which is a normal BMI and i am just 23 pounds away from where I want to be. Also in the normal BMI area. So I sympathize with anyone that does not have a significant other that is not totally committed because without the support I have received thus far I don't think I could have come this far and have been this successful. By all means communication is a great tool but you have to open your mouth and use it for it to work.

I DONT THINK THERE IS A HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND THAT HASNT FELT THE SAME WAY. I KNOW AT FIRST JIM(MYB/F) FELT LIKE THAT TILL I GAVE HIM ALL MY RESERCH AND HE DID SOME CHECKING ONLINE AS WELL, I THINK ITS MORE A FEAR OF YOU GETTING HEALTHY SEXY AND THIN THEN LEAVING HIM . IT TOOK A LONG HEART TO HEART FOR JIM TO SEE I LOVED HIM AND WASNT GOING ANYWHERE AFTER ALL THIS.  FOR YOUR HUBBY TO GO TO THE CONSULT WITH YOU IS A REAL GOOD IDEA HE CAN ASK ALL THE QUESTONS HE NEEDS ANSWERED AND PUT HIS MIND AT EASE.  GOOD LUCK VICKI

It sounds like your husband is supporting you, hon. My hubby supports me, but in his own way. We don't talk about my RNY alot together, and he doesn't go to groups or anything like that with me, but he is always willing to watch the kids when I go to groups, and like yours, he took off work to care for me after surgery. He makes food that I can eat, and when I get a craving, he figures out how to make is sf for me. Men can be different in their support than women, so let him support you how he feels most comfortable.  Also, you're not going to erase his fears of you having a complication during or after surgery. That's because it's a legitimate fear. It does happen. We all know on here, overall your chances for a healthy life are better with the surgery, but still there are complications. Listen to his fears, don't try to take them away. Acknowledge them. He will probably feel better for your listening.

Your husband should be as involved with the process as you can get him. Some of us [men] take an approach that women do not understand but we do.  I can't explain it. He will have to deal with having a "trophy wife" once the full benefits of surgery come about and that may intimated him. It is tough for a man to have a look you in the eye conversation about anything and you probably see the same behavior in dealing with other issues.  The surgery is just more important to you and you crave his support. He will come around especially since he is taking time off to be with you and help you.  Need I tell a wife to be patient with their Husband?  Duh. E

Thanks for all the advice!!  I going to ask him if he will go to the Consult with me next week.  Hopefully it will make him feel better. I guess he is being as supportive as he can and in his own way. Thanks!

Sam, By all means your husband needs to be with you during the consult! And you BOTH should pay close attention to what the risks & complications are...but ask how often those things occur. Know that those risks are VERY real and that should be considered prior to you having surgery. I don't mean to scare you out of having the surgery, I really don't..but there is a reason why the surgeons know that these risks exist..because they can and do happen to people! <<<>>> If you asked the people/person they happen to if they regretted having the surgery, most you tell you that they don't regret it at all and would do it again in a heartbeat KNOWING that they were going to have to go through them. You want to go into this surgery with the full knowledge that these risks do apply to you...not just the other guy. The worse risks (death, revisions...all the more serious ones) are pretty rare. There are some fairly common ones too..like strictures (~20%) but those ae pretty easy to take care of. So be sure to ask during the consult how often, how serious, how easy to fix..k?  It's been my take on the difference between men & women that many women hear the complications but NEVER really believes it will happen to them. Shoot, I am still like that and trust me, I should know better! Men on the other hand not only want to know what the complications are but exactly how are they going to be fixed. Remember, men are the ones who are known for being problem solvers. They see a risk for a problem and they want it solved before it even occurs. lol. It's just their nature. But it is good to know what those risks are, and if they do occur, how they will be dealt with.  And yes..some men are intimidated by the idea that their wife is going to get skinny and then they may not be good enough for them. Most of the time, the man has got nothing to worry about. But...we have all heard of cases to where the woman turns into a real floozy afterwards. She got skinny, men (other than her husband) paid attention to her, and it went to her head. I actually feel sorry for women like that. I was fortunate enough with our circle of friends pre-op that the men in our crowd always made me feel just as pretty as the size 12 women were (there were no size 2's in our circle of friends..lol). I'm sure your husband has heard of 1 or 2 couples like that too. All you can do is reassure him that you love him. It's going to have to take time for them to see it's true. And then again...your husband may just be dealing with everything in his own way...just by being quiet. Let him. Keep him in the loop and give him the opportunity to listen & learn. Love him, reassure him...but the rest? That's up to him in his own time. All the sitcoms on TV says it pretty clearly...women feel the need to talk out their emotions. Men don't. That's just the 'Mar's' in them and how they deal with stuff.  Best of luck! Sherri

Sam, My Troy was on the line too.  He supported my decision but was scared.   We went through fertility treatments several years back to get our beautiful daughter.  Troy is used to helping guys along a difficult road.  He's been very open about his thoughts throughout our fertility treatments and my weight loss surgery.  I know he'd be more than happy to talk to your hubby if he'd like someone to talk to/bounce off. 

My hubby's name is Troy and his email address is [email protected]

Have your hubby email him if you think it will help.

Another idea, maybe we could set up a chat sometime for our hubby's (any hubby) to get together online and discuss things.  Just a thought.

Blessings,

Jacqui