Something is bugging me

Every time I start talking to my husband about my upcoming surgery, he (rudely) interrupts me, mid sentence, and totally changes the subject.  I have started noticing this happens EVERY time now and it is starting to annoy me.  I finally told him, "Hey, look, you are doing this every time I try to talk to you about this and I don't like it.  It is making me feel like you either don't really want me to do this or you just don't give a crap about me.  I sure wish I had a partner who was "there" for me 'cause you sure aren't at the moment." He just blows it off as no big deal and says, "No I don't".   YES, he does.  And other people have noticed it, too.  This is VERY important to me right now.  Maybe I am talking too much about it.  I am very nervous and excited about it and the only way I know how to deal with it (besides EAT) is to talk it out.  He told me he supported me when I told him what I was planning to do, when I first met with my PCP about it.  He even went with me to the very first seminar.  Now, when I tried to tell him about something, he does this.  When I showed him the one ounce cups and told him that was what my meals would be like in the beginning, he just rolled his eyes at me.  I don't know what is going on.  The closer time comes for me to have the operation, the more he is acting like this.  I will be damned if I let him stop me, but my heart is breaking because I was counting on him.  Anyone else ever encounter anything like this? 

My DH did the same way with me the first time I tried to have the surgery over 5 years ago. He wasn't supportive at all, and didn't care if I made it to the appts, or not. He would try to change the subject any time I mentioned anything about it.  This time around tho, he has been alot better about it.  At first, right after I joined OH, he didn't seem as enthusiastic about it, but once he went to the meeting with my surgeon, he really changed his attitude about it and became very supportive.  I  hope  that things work out, and he really comes around to the understanding that you are wanting to make a change in YOUR life, not your and his life. You are doing this for your health, no one else's.  I pray that he does finally see that this is about you.  His attitude about the wls may be because that he may just be very scared for you and losing you during surgery. I am sure that everyone has been asking him about you, and how things are going and if you are ready. This is probably making him feel like he isn't important right now.  Just make sure you take the time and chance to reassure him that you love him very much, and that you really would love it if he were able to support you as you start on this journey to a new and healthier you. He may be supportive, but you may just not see it like he shows it.  Believe me, I asked the same question just a few months ago, and everyone else agreed and said basically the exact same thing I just wrote you. Just keep praying that you and he both find the strength that you need to get thru this! I will be praying for you as well. It is rough, but with Gods healing hands, you will be just fine!

My husband is the same way only worse. He doesn't understand why this is so important to me. He was fine with everything until Dr. Cacucci said lapband wouldn't work and I needed to go with RNY. Now all I hear is you can do this on your  own. You have it in your head you can't do it any other way.  I know this isn't true so I stopped talking to him about it. Now if I need to vent or just talk I call my sis who is being extremely supportive! Just hang in there. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me!!

Deb,

I dont know your husband or you so I have no way to know your exact situation.  However, I will tell you about my experience.  My husband first made the comment about a yr before my surgery that he would never want me to do it.  So I really tried the diet thing yet again.  Well just like a million other times I did good for a week or so and then I again failed to remain abstinent from carbs and overeating. 

Well I made an apt with St V and my surgeon and ask my husband to just come along and hear what they had to say.  I also told my husband that I was so grateful that he loved me regardless of my wt....but...if I could finally be successful at loosing wt we could finally do all the things he was always wanting to do but I couldnt.  I told him how much I loved him and I just wanted to be a better wife and a I didnt want him in the next yr to end up being my nurse and care giver...that I wanted us to be partners.

After hearing my surgeon speak he became very supportive.  I still continured to encourage him,  I would explain I was doing it to be healthy so we could have a good life and not to have some hot body and look for other men.  That he was the only man I wanted and I wanted him to be proud of me and happy to show me off to his co-workers and friends.  This really did help and hes so supportive of me now.

Hes so happy that we take walks...I go in stores and do laps around him....when I used to sit in the car while he ran in...walking in a store before would make me so out of breath.  I even got to where I would do the MartCarts...How embarassing that was.

I hope things  get better for you and your husband but u are right...even if hes not supportive u have to do whats right for you.  Dont let him stop u getting your health back

I'll keep u in my prayers

After I got my date my husband seemed unsupportive as well.. Truthfully I think it was mostly nerves because he's been awesome ever since.

Deb, Sometimes men display their emotions in ways that totally baffle us girls. Your husband MAY be having concerns about your surviving the surgery or it MAY be he has concerns that once you get skinny, you'll leave him for someone else. It may be that he has doubts that you'll be able to stick to the program. He probably has all of these and more things running through his head. Perhaps it would help if he had the opportunity to socialize with other couples to where the wife is post-op. That would give him an opportunity to pick the brains of the husband. Sometimes, that is all the reassurance he needs that things WILL be ok. If you're interested in meeting for dinner sometime, let me know...it wouldn't be the first time Bill's brain was picked. We are also kinda the ideal couple for this since I have had many, many complications...and I survived, we survived.  Sherri

Mine I think was afraid I would leave him once I lost my weight. Nope already go thim trained why leave.. He bugged me in other ways..he was TO supportive.. telling me everything I was doing wrong..He took notes at the Drs office and told on me at the dietition!!! Honestly, my case.. this was the place to come for support.. Deb and Angie and Sherri told me everything I needed to know and I had hubby there to brag... Linda Kay

deb, My husband is the MOST non-speaking person on the earth- strong silent type....but when Ineed support....I just ask him. It makes him feel all gooey and helpful...and needed. Your Dh is probably scared out of his trousers- not an easy thing for any guyto admit, but especially hard for a guy who feels that he should be taking care of you. Unfortunately, men tend to shut off at that point. I know this sounds like the complete opposite thing you should do, but rub his feet while he's watching the new(or sports or whatever) and let him start feeling really relaxed and doted on...andtrap him into the conversation.....honey goes way farther- trust me. My silly(but sweet) hubby has gone through it all.....fear, anger(at the situation- not me), insecurity about me being thin, being overly supportive and worry(OMG the worry)Now, we are on the same page. we usually get there eventually. We just take the long, scenic route. It takes lots of communication...sometimes one-sided. Then, there is one sentence that will stop them in their tracks..."I can keep going the way things are and you will be crying at my funeral, or I can do this for ALL of us and we can get back to living." Hugs, Angie

Hi lady.  Well I am a husband and a RNY patient.  Men are usually bad at handling anything they are not in control of.  I don't think any man on purpose tries to be insensitve.  We just are it is how we are made. You are doing this for you not anyone else.  You are doing this to make yourself a different person.  Everyone else in your life is along for the ride.  I find people that are jealous of my weight loose.  I find that people that fix so much in my loss that they miss Becky's loss.  I try to let all know yea it is great that I have done so well but it is a blessing that Becky has lost 47 lbs in 28 weeks using Weigh****chers.  I am the cook in the family so I am encouraged because I no longer cook in a way that cause either of us to gain weight. Men don't want to think about anything that causes change.  Believe me you lose 100 or more pounds there is change.  You will be more active.  You will want to show off the new you. Learn how to be the new you by including those you love.  This means at times it is not always the feelings you want to see or hear but what others want to see or hear.  Start today because change is coming.  Surgery WILL MAKE YOU different.   Goals will change.  Goals will happen that you never even dreamed of.  I now work over in my mind doing the mini marathon in 2009.  I would have never thought this would be a goal.  I may sign up for the 5k this year as a warm up for next.  I would love Becky to join me but it is not her dream.  I can't make it her dream.  I can lovingly ask for her support in me doing it and not get out of shape because "She doesn't support me oor understand"  She can't but that is not bad of her.  I love her more for her ability to say no sorry that is not for me, but you go for it.  She has even said don't go for a goal and I have been hurt but I understand in reality she is answering in a way that makes sense to her. Your husband is answering in a way that makes sense to him.  Allow that but keep your goal. E I hope this has made sense to you and not just rambling on.

Hi, I can understand some of what you are talking about. My DH was really stand-offish before the surgery. Mainly a few weeks before. He kept telling me that he didn't think that I would go through with it too. I kept telling him that I was doing this with or without him and my DGF told me that isn't the way to go about getting him to be more understanding. I then sat and told him that I wanted us to be together on this just like we have been in everything all during our married life together. I told him that I wanted us to be together for a long time and going the way that I was it wasn't going to happen the way that we wanted it to. I told him that I wanted to do the things together that we use to enjoy and this was the only way it was going happen. I then told him that I wanted us to hand in hand with this just as we always were, and did he think that was going to happen? From then on things have gone not just good but GREAT and he is one of my best cheerleaders. He is there to help me when I can't figure something out and he offers suggestions and I hate to admit this but most of the time he is right. lol You do get more flies with honey than vinegar, I learn that the hard way. I am so glad that I did some changing for him because in the end he is the one that is gong to have to deal with a lot more and bigger changes than I did. Good luck and if you have any questions don't hesitate to chat with us.