Family Support

For some reason, my husband doesn't seem as supportive of my choice to have WLS........he says he is, but it just seems that he isn't as excited about it as I am.  Is this normal? Has anyone else had this happen to them when they were just getting started to have surgery?  I know he wants me to be happy, but it just feels like he could care less whether I have the operation or not.  I have told him that this is what I feel, and he says I am wrong, and that he is very happy for me. I just don't feel it coming from him.   Any suggestions, comments or ideas to help out?

My husband was excited about my surgery until I got my date. Then everything changed and I think he got panicked and scared. He got sooo nervous when I talked about my surgery hed get crabby and cranky. That being said since Day 1 of surgery he's been excellent and I couldn't ask for a better support system. :) Keep your head up men get scared and show it in a different way.

I have to agree that it's possible he's just plain scared. Men aren't raised to talk about that as much and show it. He may also be supportive of you in different ways. My husband wasn't so much "yeah, rah!" at first, you know? But he did the things I needed him to do to be supportive. I really first knew he was being totally supportive when he started wanting to show me off. He didn't come out and say, "I"m proud of you.", but I knew that was his way of being proud of me.

My DH wasn't sure about me having the surgery either.  I had done all the research on my own for a couple of years before we even discussed it seriously.  I even made my appointment for my initial consult without telling him.  When I did tell him he said he still wasn't sure but he'd come along and listen.   After meeting the surgeon and hearing all that was involved and all that they do (at St. Vincent that is) to make sure you have a successfull out come, he was much more supportive.  When it actually came to the day of surgery I think he was still more scared than I was though.  Keep your DH involved with the education and the whole process.  Get him to support groups where he can talk to other spouses and see how they have delt with it.  Some spouses (husbands and wives) lose some of the security in their marriage. They feel if their spouse loses weight and becomes more attractive to others they may lose them. In a lot of ways the surgery is harder on our spouses than it is on us. 

I am a man and I agree at more times then not we tend to IGNORE the issue if we don't understand what is happening or don't feel we can control it.  My wife is trying very hard to keep up with the new me.  I now am able to walk 2 - 3 miles at one time or ride a bike 7 miles without stopping.  I am 61 years old and before the 13th of April was looking to borrow my 87 year old father in law electric scooter to use. I work very hard to insure my wife that I am NOT going to leave her because of the new me.  Without her I am nothing,  the Lord id first and then her and our children.  Remember the answer most men give is yes, maybe and no.  The no is only used if you ask "Do I look fat in this dress"!  I can't think of many more reasons to say no to a women you love question. You will change if you have the will power to change.  I am around other WLS people at times that are year or more out and you could not tell they had the surgery.  Just last week someone had a lap-band and was eating 3 pieces of Papa Johns pizza and salad.  I pray I never want to go back to that type of eating.  It is hard to eat out but it can be done at the correct places.  My wife loves Mexican food and will order a meal that I can graze from her plate.  We always talked about getting one course and sharing but never did.  We do now.  I try to go to a place that has 24 hour breakfast.  I can always eat a cup of oatmeal or 1 egg pouched with turkey sausage link. Make your marriage work allow for give and take and yes it is usually more give on the womens part.  Men want to be involved and in charge of all situation.  Ask for help understanding what and how they want to participate.  Give them a chance to do it their way they will figure out it is wrong and you were right but seldom admit it. I will use a mantra from a Kairos "listen-listen love-love" just as God will and does do for us. God Bless E

Thank you for such wonderful words of encouragement. You are correct, on every aspect. He may think that he shows me that he is interested and excited for me, and it may be the case that I just am not seeing the whole picture, and dwelling on the here-and-now of not seeing the excitement from him. I will try my best to encourage him along with asking him to join in the conversation, and attending my drs. meetings when possible. Thanks again!

 Now I am extremely upset.........my husband and I just got into a huge "discussion" over my wanting to have WLS.  I told him that I really get the feeling that he doesn't want me to have it.  He still says that he does, but he just doesn't know how to show it.  We are having trouble coming up with the downpayment for the surgery, and we have funds set aside in our retirement fund, which I am going to take mine out, so I can have almost half of the money.  I asked him if he would take some out of his, so I would have the full amt. and he said that no, he wouldn't. Talk about a kick in the teeth. That just takes me back to square one again.  He even knows that we get the money reimbursed from the insurance company after everything is processed, but he doesn't want to fool with it at all. WHY WHY WHY???