Parenting Question

I want to hear from all you parents that have older sons!! (they are way different than girls) I know you're out there! My 17 (18 in 9 days) year old son is home today and I need help. I would not let him drive his (ours) car to school this morning, because the roads over here in center grove are not good. I told him to ride the bus, or let his Dad drop him off at school and by this afternoon the roads should have been good enough to ride home with his buddies. No Way!!! He wouldn't do it. He had a total fit and would not hear of it. I had to leave and take a different kid to the Dr., so I left it up to him and his father!!! I came home and Andy was still here. I guess he decided to take an unexcused absence from school and miss the work. I would have drug him kicking and screaming into the school by his ear!!! But his father tends to be more flexible and understanding. Plus he is always telling me to let him make more choices on his own and deal with the results! That's hard for a control freak like me!!! Any way the question I have is what now? Should I punish him or what? Give me some ideas please!!! I think he should have to do all kinds of crappy cleaning work around the house and not spend the day in bed, but is that right? BTW He was in a fender binder about three weeks ago and the roads were fine then, that's why I didn't want him out this morning! Thanks all, Carmen

You left it up to him and his father, so you are out of the decision/punishment loop now. He made his decision to stay home. I wouldn't punish him further, the consequences of an unexcused absence will be punishment of their own. However, I was never one to ignore extra hands around the house. I'd work him like a borrowed mule. Best wishes, Annette

Carmen, I agree with Annette..you left it between him and his father. What does Dad have to say about it? If Andy is usually a good kid and he REALLY did not want to ride the bus or have his dad bring him, maybe there's a reason for the behavior (hard to impress a girl that way maybe...?). It may have been a 'guy thing' that you just have to trust your husband to have made the right decision in how he handled it. If on the other hand Andy is always giving you problems & an attitude (about like MY son was!), then your husband may have been going with the 'pick your battles' way of thinking. Andy chose not to go to school. Andy chose to get an unexcused absence. Andy will have to pay the consequences at school. Whatever Andy's reasoning was for skipping, he is the one who will have to deal with that decision ultimately. I'm sure there are some elderly people in your neighborhood who could use some free assistance in getting shoveled out. I wouldn't let him just sit around the house watching TV. Just my opinion... Sherri

I would definately be making him do some chores or work around the house, if he elected to stay home, and is not sick. I can't stand to be working and have people laying around watching! Linda Vicory

I don't blame you for not allowing him to drive on the roads this morning. You did leave it up to Dad, so that's what happens sometimes. HOWEVER--since he is home, I don't see anything wrong with him doing some manual labor or a little babysitting. You could have just played it off and said, "Why Andy!! I am so glad you are home today. I have to .....fill in the blank w/a crappy chore.... It sure helps me out that you are going to be here to watch ....fill in the blank w/the young'ens." I would find him all kinds of junk to do all the while I would keep telling him how great he was doing.

As a mother of 4 boys (men) (the youngest just moved out last month) I agree with all of the above! Dad worked it out, so Dad deals with it. Son's choice to miss school, he should deal with the concequences of an unexcused abscence. Since all my boys were such angels (NOT!!) good luck getting them to do stuff around the house when they didn't even want to follow your request to take the bus/ride this morning. It's hard when you want to control your kids, but remember, he's just days form being an 'adult' in the real world, so it's time you hand over the responsibilities that comes with the age. (now if I could just take my own advice ). OK, Now I'm going to stare at my son's empty room. Hope

Carmen I guess I will throw a fathers view here. We raised 3 boys and now have one grandson and grand daughter who 18 and 19. Over the years I was the tough one when it came to discipline. They thought they could do what ever they wanted to do when they became teenagers. Kind of a chip off the old block. I agree with the idea that you have to pick your battles. I was sort of a tough love Dad and today I can say I am very proud of my sons. My grandson is another story he gets away with treating his parents like crap. The last time he came to spend the summer with Ann and I, he and I had a little chat right up front that went something like this: Josh you will not be disrespectful to your Grandmother or me like you do with you Mom and Dad. Do you understand? Yes, Sir was his reply. You know what will happen if you don't follow some simple rules of the house. His reply was: Yea, you will kick my a**. I said good we have an understanding. I enjoyed having him stay with us all summer and you know I never had to yell at him once. Bottom line is that there has to a mutual understanding of the consequences for good and bad behavior. You may totally disagree with me and that is fine, but Ann and I were sitting here thinking about your situation. If my son did what Andy did, guess what, I would have shoved him out the front door and locked it behind him. He could then walk, or take the bus, or get in the car with Dad to drop him off at school. He could then make his choice which would not have included staying at home from school. I will let you in on a little secret. After my boys left home and got out on their own they all have told me that they appreciated my tough love and they are better men for it. I guess I did something right. Ok, I have thrown out one Dad's view, but that does not mean it is the best way to handle it. Good Luck Dan

Carmen - Here is my 2 cents as a recent teenager/high school kid (ok so it was 5 years ago but don't remind me of that.) As long as Andy hasn't been a real big trouble maker, I'd let it slide. He is at the age where he is about to graduate and probably way over school. This age is also very appearance concious (hate to tell him it will all seem so stupid in a few years.) Just let me know you don't agree with him but you will let it happen this once. If you have some chores you need help with then by all means have him help you. I used to sleep a ton as a teenager (still like to now) and I always said "I don't see the problem if I am in bed, by myself, not drunk/hung over or on drugs." That's what my parents did with me before and they may not have liked it, but I didn't turn out too bad (at least I don't think I did ) Sam

Carmen, I have a 23 year old son who works in the Center Grove area and I just spent the evening calling and waiting for a tow truck to pull him out of a revene at the side of the road. Those back roads can be treacherous!. I totally understand not wanting a less experienced driver on them. With that said, I agree he and his dad made the decision, now he will have to suffer the consequences. It is hard for us moms to sit back and watch them take their punishment, but we have got to let go.....easier said than done!! Hang in there!!! Linda

Oh Carmen, do I relate. Our grandson is a senior, has a car and thinks if he can't drive / do it his way the "world will end ". It is a thing they go thru- all about prestige. I'd do as others have advised- let him deal with the consequences at school and work. I know it is hard, but let your Hubby deal with it, and just trust that the right things will happen. I'm thinking of you. (((hugs))) Ellen