From a WLS spouse, emotional issues, long

I am a spouse of a WLS person who has done great. I've been dealing with my own addiction, I've had for most of my life, for the past several months, and I've come to understand my feelings and the whys of my own problems. Don't get me wrong I'm happy she is healthy first and blessed by the way she looks now. I know there is many others that deal with the same anxieties, which is actually a form of insecurity, and the loss of dependence from a spouse after the surgery. I realize that she needs support from others that have had the surgery and I've encouraged her to seek that because I can't ever do all she needs in that area and I know that. The hard part for me is that there is one person that she has become close to and this person really makes me feel threatened because they connect at a level I wish I could with my wife, after all these years of not being there for her myself, this happened just as I began to understand my own feelings related to my issues. This is the issue that really bothers me, that it happened just as I got in touch with myself and wanted to relate at some level to her and the lost feelings I've had for most of our marriage. I did some some horrible things when I discovered how close they were; such as reading some of their e-mails, my wife has no trust in me right now and I nknow why. Last night he wanted her to call him as he is suffereing through his own issues (she told me this), when she told me this those old feelings recentment and feeling threatened by this guy raced to the front of my forehead hard enough to dent it, she didn't call him we jus****ched a movie together but those feeling were still there. She has always had friends of the opposite sex and this has never bothered me before as this person does, right now she has friends of the opposite sex which don't bother me, there are guy's that ask her out or hit on her all the time and that does not bother me. Right now, it appears we may be standing on the edge of divorce, this is not the only issue that we struggle with but it is my key for dealing with the rest of them, I'm looking for any insight from others that have been where we are.

Rich, I've never been where you are but I think it's clear from your heartfelt words that you love your wife very much and seek to rebuild what may have fallen into disrepair over the years. Many women who are MO find themselves surrounded by male friends. It's much easier for us to be friends with them as a MO woman.. and easier for them.. and it gives us the male attention we often crave. I appreciate you bringing the subject up because like your wife, I also have many male friends and am now wondering about the changes I'll see in some of those relationships. I urge you *STRONGLY* to seek professional help with this. Find a marriage counselor or a therapist. Perhaps even just for yourself, not necessarily you and your wife yet. You've made a huge leap forward to not only recognize that you HAVE a problem but even further, to have identified it. That takes a great deal of courage. It's not a failure to seek assistance. Sometimes having a completely unbiased ear to bend and offer advice can give you a fresh perspective and tools to help you regain some of the confidence and trust you feel you've lost. I wish you both the best. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have all these physical changes in your relationship suddenly impact your emotional health as well. Stef

Rich I havent had surgery yet, and I havent been where you are now. But I can tell you that your wife is a new woman. You need to get to know who she is now. I always say if you want your marriage you have to work at it, find a good counselor for the two of you to go too, and fight for the marriage and fight for her. I hope it all works out for you I know when my marriage fell apart it was tough and I wish we would have done things differently, hopefully if you show her that your not going anywhere things will change. Debby

Stef, Thanks for your words, I've been seeing a therapist that leads a working group of males trying to get in touch with their feelings for a few months now and it has brought some resolution to my issues from my childhood of not having enough support from my father and my own addiction. My wife has seen the same therapist once or twice over the past few months to understand my issues and to provide some clarity for herself on how to deal with both our issues. Right now we are trying to get in so see him again before the weeks out. Hopefully, the unbiased perspective will help provide some insight for us.

Rich, As a spouse of a pending WLS patient, your words resonate. At some level, it seems that perhaps before the surgery we may just take for granted that our spouses need us, to a greater degree perhaps, than we need them. The jealousies that others experience when their wives/husbands have friendships with members of the opposite sex are less real for us, because we know that the insecurities our spouses have regarding their weight make an affair less likely (although not out of the question, I suppose). As my husband and I get ready to make this journey together, it has certainly crossed my mind that once he becomes attractive PHYSICALLY to other women, the beauty that I already see in him will be more apparent and make him easily the sexiest guy around. That scares me -- because I have this great guy that only I see in a certain way, and if someone else sees him that way, I'll have to be jealous, because why wouldn't they want what I have! I know it sounds convoluted, but it is something I think about. The best advice I can give to you is not to ignore these feelings, since its natural to have them. My husband and I have a relatively healthy relationship, but I worry about losing him after this surgery, no doubt. Sit down with your wife, and carefully outline your fears, without being judgmental. She is the only one who can relieve you of them. Perhaps both of you can participate in discussions with this friend and both be supportive as he goes through a rough patch. Look at it as a therapeutic adventure that you and she can share together. Go with her to support group meetings. You may never get past the feelings of jealousy, but if you are there for her, and there with her, you both can work through them together. Good luck.