What did you tell people before the surgery? (long post, sorry!)

Hi! My husband is having Open - RNY on November 16th. ****ep typing this thinking that the more I say it, the more comfortable I'll be...hmmm...) I was just wondering, what you have told acquaintances, etc. about your surgery. I have told my boss, because I am taking the week off for my DH(I like that acronym) surgery, and several close friends. We have been very forthright with our kids, although not TOO specific about the risks. But have you all been very open about having the surgery? Or have you been like Al Roker and told people it was gallbladder surgery until after the fact? We live in a relatively small town, so we may not have much of a choice in the matter, as my 8 year old daughter felt compelled to ask the church to pray for her daddy on Wednesday at Awanas. My DH was a little embarrassed when several members (we don't really go to church) came up to him and told him they were praying for him...we did tell our little angel that perhaps that was a little TMI, but she was just trying to be helpful. That's kind of how 8 year old girls are! I guess my feeling is that I'm not trying to hide it necessarily, I just don't know how much this is anyone else's business. I did mention to a couple of less close friends that he was having surgery, but I wasn't much more specific. They did ask what it was for, and I said to help his feet, which is true, although perhaps dishonest by omission. At any rate, I thought I'd get a feel for what you guys have done. How did other people react? I don't know that I've ever known anyone who's had the surgery, but I may have and just didn't know they had it done... Thanks!

Well, I told just about everybody I knew that I was having surgery. Everyone has been completely supportive and I had prepared a rant for anyone who wasn't going to be (thank goodness I never encountered that!) Everyone knew my co-morbidities and were concerned more for my long term health. I don't live in the same town I grew up in and so I don't really know many people where I do live. But I work in 7 different towns and have met lots of people whom I consider friends now and they've all been awesome. I was totally secure in my decision once I made it. It took me a long time to get there though. Probably the person who gave me any slack was my mother initially, but once she came to my initial consultation, she was all for it. I now know loads of people both on and off obesityhelp.com who have had the surgery and think the world of everyone here. Sorry this is kind of poorly composed, but I'm just writing off the top of my (very tired) head! Best of luck to you and your DH on his surgery! Cathy

This is a great question. At first, I kept the news of my surgery very close to the chest. I told very few, very close friends.. was only going to tell my brother and not either of my parents and didn't really want anyone to know about it. I found myself whispering the words "bariatric surgery" with the little hand signal for quotes whenever I would talk about it. Over time, as my excitement grew, I told more people. I'm actually relatively comfortable with casual acquaintances knowing about it. Some of my closest friends either only know that I'm having some kind of serious, random elective surgery or don't know at all. Every one of my friends who only know that much have respected my choice to be vague. They will ask, "what kind of surgery" and I just say, "just surgery.." and then they'll ask, "Is it serious?" and I say, "yes, but I'll be fine afterwards." My brother and father know, my mother does not. So I guess I'm still being selective in who I tell. My concern, as I became more comfortable with talking about it casually, was that people would approach me with no tolerance. In my head, these were people who didn't understand what it's like to be standing on THIS side of the oppressive obesity with what feels like NO hope after you've tried every single thing only to fail every time and THEN some and have been thin their whole lives -- they don't understand why I can't just "knuckle down" and "exercise more.." I didn't want to have to fight that battle with them. Maybe that's why I don't mind casual acquaintances knowing.. because I dont' rightly care what someone who DOESN'T know me thinks.. but someone I'm close to.. or love.. I don't want it to become a battle with them. They'll know about it when I'm on the other side.. Anyway.. I have noticed that even people who are casual acquaintances have mostly been genuinely curious and not at all judgemental (at least not to my face.. and that's fine with me). They ask intelligent questions and I don't mind sharing what I have learned so far. I understand your hesitation to share the details.. and if I'm ever getting the "bad vibe" or just don't want to explain it, I smile nicely and say.. "it's not something I really want to talk about just yet.." and they wish me well and leave it at that. hope that helps, JJ

You hit the nail on the head! First, I'm mostly a skinny person, so I've been around others who didn't know my DH, and have made ridiculously insensitive comments about the obese. I had one guy comment about a soccer coach one time "How can he stand to be so fat? Why doesn't he get off his lazy a@@ and do something about it?" I replied with "How can you stand to be so stupid? Perhaps you should get off your high horse and do something about that?" I don't remember him ever speaking to me again...hmmmm. Shoulda seen his face tho! Priceless! People don't expect me to contradict them when they say these things. So it is truly fun to give them their comeupance. Also, I have had people approach me (my DH is kind of intimidating) and ask why don't I have him try this diet or that activity or some other dr. or whatever worked for them to take off 5 pounds to fit in their bridesmaid dress Your point of: "these were people who didn't understand what it's like to be standing on THIS side of the oppressive obesity with what feels like NO hope after you've tried every single thing only to fail every time and THEN some and have been thin their whole lives -- they don't understand why I can't just "knuckle down" and "exercise more.." I didn't want to have to fight that battle with them." is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm stressed enough with the prospect of surgery, do I need people judging us on top of it??? I think not! Plus, like I said, people seem to think that they can tell ME what they would never say to HIS face. I know they think they are trying to be helpful, but for goodness sake, we're practically the same person! Don't they realize that what they say is hurtful? People REALLY are stooopid sometimes! Sorry for the rant! I hope I've made my point, a little...I think what Cathy said has merit too, perhaps if I'm prepped with a rant, no one will get judgemental.

JJ I think we should start posting our "prepared rants" for you to draw inspiration from!

That makes sense... or email at [email protected].... either way, I'll be ready...