Emotional rollar-coaster....

Hello Everyone, Just wanted to drop a line and say how long this whole process has been and what an emotional wreck I've become.......and I know I have much more to endure. There was a time in my life when I thought anyone that would knowingly and agreeingly have most of their stomach cut apart was totally nuts and I was already well over 200 lbs. when I was thinking that. But as time went by, and I became more of a prisoner in my own fat, the thought of WLS wasnt so "nutty" afterall. Most of my concern was over the worry of "dieing" during surgery, or after surgery due to complications, so I have spent the last year of my life on a rollar coaster full of highs, yes-I will take a chance, and hopefully will have good outcome like most of the people that post on the board here---but then come the lows-all the things that can go wrong...the people that have passed from complications...etc.....sometimes I feel like a "superwoman", that I can do it, I"ll make it through it, but then comes those dark feelings creeping in, how am I going to get through all of this, alone? what if...this happens, what if that happens.....what if i die????? then, I realized one day, that for that last 1-2 years, I am already dead. I havent had a life.....I wasnt able to do the things that I wanted to do, I have 2 young boys that want "mom" to takes walks with them, go to the park with them...etc.....and I cant. It takes too much energy, the more I move around, the more I tend to get headaches/migraines since Ive put on all this weight...... I could go on and on, I guess I just needed to vent, my next fiasco that I will have to deal with will be insurance, and the dreaded insurance denial, Im sure it will be coming, and I just dont want to deal with it.

Let me go by saying your really not alone.Thats why your here,cause we are all going through what your basically going through.The same questions have gone through our minds,and i think we have all came up with the same answers.We are all alive ,but are we really living?I think that in life if you dont take chances you will never know,and some wont make it and some will thats the chance you have to take if you think this is for you.For me im tired of geting up in the morning and feeling like someone beat me up in the middle of the nite , im gona start keeping my eye on my guy he has'nt left no bruises yet ,but he will get carless someday. Hope something helped its not anything you didnt know im your heart. its nite nite for me

Karen I agree with Chaundra, we are alive but we're not living. Today on my way into work there was a woman jogging along the road and is all I could think that, what I wouldnt give to be able to just walk down that road and not feel as if my lungs and heart are being ripped from my chest. I also have kids and because of that I am trying to have the Lap Band done. I have seen one surgeon and will soon see a second one for a second opinion. But I am fully prepared to have the RNY done if the lap band turns out not to be an option for me. I want to live not exist. We all need to be positive, I know our memorial page shows people who have passed due to the complications but we dont know their underlying health issues. Look at all the success on the pages those should be what you focus on... Good luck and dont worry you're gonna be ok! Debby

Honey, that is what it is all about. When my husband had his RNY, it was a Roller Coaster and I was a forced passenger. Now that I am on my way to hopefully surgery, I know what the surgery can do to your head. I have a 3 year old. It scares the sh*t out of me that I could die and leave her without a mother. But on the other hand, why keep living this way and not being all the parent I can be? I watched my husband get bigger and bigger. I am now about 40 pounds away from what he weighed going into surgery. I watched him force down barium and then throw it up to get X-Rays. I watched the tears stream down his face as they hooked up IVs and had him sign consent forms. I sat in the waiting room waiting and waiting for someone to tell me what the hell was going on. I walked down that long hall into the recovery room to see him STILL ALIVE. What a relief! So I thought. We went home. I brought my husband, barely able to get out of the car, home. Home to our apartment where he had to climb 2 flights of stairs to get into our place. I put my back out trying to lift him because he couldn't get comfortable in the bed. Every time he had to pee, I had to get up and help him up. I sat and watched TV with him to have him literally throw things at it when the Burger King Whopper commercials came on. He would scream and have a fit when I didn't make him anything except for blended up mac n cheese. I did all this taking care of my one year old. Then one night he was in pain. He was in the most excrutiating pain. He was in the bed and needed to get up...NOW. He was going to throw up. I pulled him up as quickly I could. He was crying saying, "Why did I do this?" And he was having a helluva time getting up. He finally did and then started vomitting. As if the pain from being 4 days out wasn't enough, he was throwing up blood. I ran and found whatever receptacle I could which was a cup and I ran it to him. The was blood down my hall, on my bathroom floor, all over my sink. My daughter was screaming having no clue as to what was going on. I ran next door to get my neighbor to take her. My neighbor ran in to help to my dog almost attacking her. It was complete chaos. I hurried and called the doctor. And what did they say, "It isn't common but sometimes it happens when you have prior stomach injuries. (Ulcers, Heartburn) Sometimes there is blood left over in the pouch and it can't pass so it has to come up." So all the crying and pain and blood was ok. But to this day, if you ask my husband if he would do it again, he'd tell you, "Absolutely" The lows can be pretty bad. No, they can be really really f-ing bad. But you can't expect this to be so easy. It's terrifying. But in the end, it is better for you. Your health is in jeopardy being overweight and if you want to be there for your kids, if you want to watch them grow up, if you want to participate and not just be on the sidelines, you need to do something. That is why I am here. I want to be around for my daughter. I might want to have more kids. I can't do that at 397lbs. I am 24 years old. It just isn't gonna get better by not eating so much and doing some sit ups. I have been working out since February and watching what I eat. I have lost NOTHING. Not an inch, not a pound. It isn't working. It's just one more failed attempt. I don't want to get over 400lbs. I used to say, I'll NEVER be over 300lbs. Well, I'm 97lbs over that. I have to do something. I'm not gonna tell you that it's gonna be easy as pie. I'm not gonna tell you, "Once you do 'this' it will be smooth sailing" There is no point when it is just finished. It will get easier but it is a life changing. You have to be ready for a new you. It will be mentally, physically and emotionally challenging but in the end, it will all be worth it. Good Luck on your journey. We're all here with you and for you. Melissa My WLS Journal