Oooo I'm so mad right now!!!

I just have to vent!!!!

Me and Chris had an argument.  What about.  He doubted my commitment to the boys!!!  Oh I was so pissed (excuse me but nothing else fits).

This all came about believe it or not when we were talking about moving in together.  he started talking about "what if" scenarios.  Most of them concerning the boys.  I just didn't see the big deal about any of his scenarios.  So what if they have to stay with us for a day, a week...oh well.  I even came out and said that I plan on being their step mother one day and I don't take that lightly.  I had a step father that treated me horribly and I always said if I had that same situation I would love them as my own.  He was not impressed with my speech.  Made a snide comment even. 

I blew up at him and said "you know what I know my daughter is grown but what did you get her for her birthday package or Christmas package...when was last time you asked me about her...your so quick to judge me but what have you done for my kid!!!!

Oh I am fuming.  How dare he judge me and question my commitment or my love.  Especially when he hasn't shown no where near the same towards my daughter.  I know it's not the same.  But you know the box for her sits on my table for days...he could throw something in there for her.  Or how about "hey how's Amanda, have you gotten any pictures from her lately".  Anything???  Nope.  And it didn't even occur to me until I was being attacked.  Now it bothers me....why???  Probably because he doesn't appreciate everything I have been doing for his boys...when he has done nothing.  It makes me sad. 

Crystal

I am so sorry.  I think kids are a tough  subject.  No one thinks you can love their child like they do.  I always treaded very carefully when Gage first came into the picture.   At first I did not want him or his mother thin I was trying to replace her.  I always treat him with respect which I know you do with Chris's kids.  Rick was very doubtful that I could care so much for Gage.  I really do and now Rick understands just how much I love him.  

I think that men seem to think that no girlfriend could ever do what a mom can do.  We know that is not the fact but somehow they dont "get" it.  I think it was time and the way I treated Gage that finally made Rick realize just how much I care for him.  

Try to give Chris some time.  Rick did not even want me to meet Gage for the longest time!  When we met, we hit it off.  This has to be a guy thing.  They dont want to talk about feelings or express just what they think or the questions they have.  It is up to us to help them see how it can work out.  

When Rick and I moved in together it was a long time before Gage came to visit.  I always invited him to come and suggested it to Rick but it took time.  Eventually Rick warmed up to the idea and now he realizes that the little things I do for Gage are what a mother would do.  He finally sees that kids can have 2 mothers and it will still be ok.  

If you move in together, you will want to make sure you have a separate room for the boys.  Help Chris understand that this will be their territory.  I still give plenty of space to Gage and Rick when Gage comes and visit.  

I have played a lot of this by ear.  I try not to make a big deal out of things because I am chicken!   I have found that playing things by ear and continuing to show interest in Gage but not be overly demanding has paid off.  It works for me.  I dont know if it will work for you.  I think it was time that was the best way for Rick to grasp this concept.  Plus, I always insist on Easter baskets, gifts for special occasions, and buying Gages favorite food or treats for when he comes to visit.  

Good luck with this.  I am positive that you and Chris will work it out and you will figure out how the handle this situation the best.  What I did may or may not help you.  Just some thoughts as I have been where you are now and we did work through it.  

Hi Crystal,

I feel your pain. I can tell you a hundred stories about my relationship with my step-son and my husband that would surprise you, but I think the bottom line is fathers  think nobody could love their kid the way they do and they also worry about how our emotions will effect their sons. I met my husband when Michael was in grade school. G was very weird about us even meeting. When Michael met me I had been with g over a year. How many times I had asked G what Michael thought of his father being in a relationship? His answer was always non-committal. I learned why, when I met Michael. He knew nothing about the fact that I existed. At the time, I was hurt, that G could not tell me that. Looking back I understand. The parent who is not the live-in everyday parent is very worried about all the balls in the air.....how will my kid feel, what will he do when he finds out his mother and I are really never getting back together, how will it impact my relationship with my son, how will my ex be involved?

Chris has never met Amanda so he has nothing to remind him to ask about her. He is wrong. He should make an effort, but guys are different than we are.

You are fuming because you are hurt and scared. Hurt he could doubt you, scared of what will happen next regarding all this.

I have noticed Chris tends to "what if" when he is about to make a big step with you. It sounds like this is how he processes that in his mind. He knows what you have done for the little ones. He knows you are committed. But he is looking at things from a different perspective. He is looking at from the angle you cannot.

Give him some time, he always comes to his senses and realizes his fear is what made him do or say what he did.

I am going to tell you what you already logically know, blended families are very difficult. Michael lives in another state and is an adult, and we still have issues. I usually say nothing and wait to see what happens. I have learned what happens when I try to give my 2 cents, so now I rarely do. I actually rarely know what is going on until money is involved. Sometimes I dont even know then. Many times I learn things from a sister in law or my mother in law. I am always hurt my husband didnt tell me and to this day I dont know why. But that is the way it is and I have learned to accept things.  

My husband has always kept us separate and I have learned to accept that. In the end, it is easier in many ways.

You are in for a long ride, so get your seat belt on and prepare yourself.

Hugs,

Sharon

Crystal, I have never been in this situation, so I cannot possiblyknow what happens. I do know that you raised Amanda by yourself, and you are a great Mom. Chris is a father first, like you are a mom first. I think women can adapt to new family easier then men. I feel bothNancy and Sharon gave you good advice. 

Hugs,