Negativity....what do I say???? (long)

I posted this on the main board, but thought I would also post here as some of you may have gone to the same hospital. So I told my mom that I am having surgery on January 4th. I have been going through this process now since February and I am comfortable with both my surgeon and the hospital. This is the email I got from her:

Is it still going to be at the small hospital in Joliet?  Would it hurt anything to check out better (ie, teaching) hospitals first?  Most better hospitals have months of pre-surgery psychological exams and classes, not just one 3 1/2 hour session before surgery.   I am seriously really afraid for your life -- you have been this way for a long time and I just don't see why you must do this at such a mediocre hospital. I worked with one woman who's early 40s sister-in-law died a few months after having the surgery at a similar size hospital in the western suburbs.  She had a husband and kids who were devastated and would much rather haver her back the way she was.  I also have a train buddy who's niece had the same fate at another suburban hospital.  I understand what it's like to be overweight (I can barely fit into a 3x now), but I would not risk my life to be thin.  PLEASE check out better hospitals before putting especially your daughter in the position of losing you.  You lose nothing by checking out better places first.

I understand about Christmas.  You can come by on January 2, but I would not want you to mention this at all during your visit and I cannot guarantee that I will not start crying while you are here.  Sorry -- but I would rather have you alive and the way you are.

Ugh!!! I don't even know how to respond! My initial response is that I would rather stay home. I am nervous enough without her looking at me crying like I am going to die.
 

Erika,

I am so sorry that your mother chose to respond to you like that!  I have also been going through this process and I am waiting now for a call telling my when my surgery is scheduled.  I just told my dad last night that I was having surgery and I imagine that my mom will be calling me tonight to tell me what a mistake I am making!  I was not going to tell them at all just because of the way my mom would react.  I do not really have any advice for you on how to respond to your mom.  Only what I tell my own daughters, you are the only person that you can make happy.  They do not always make me happy but they are strong women and can make their own choices! 

Your mom is scared!  She loves you but her fear is holding her hostage.  If she was not having problems with the suburban hospital she would find something else to call out.  Try educating her.  Hopefully that will work.  Tell her about this website so she has something besides negative outcomes to see.  Hopefully that will work.  If not maybe someone else will be able to help. 

Good luck on your journey,
Lisa

Erica, The nerve of her! I assume you are going to Silver Cross. I am not familiar with it, but we have alot of members that have gone there, and are fine. You yourself researched everything before you begun this journey. You don't say, but has your mother known about this for a long time or did you just tell her? Not that it matters, The only thing that is important is that you do what your Dr. tells you to do. And by the way, most of us seen the phych only one time. Plus, if you go to see her on the 3nd, you will probly be on a liquid diet, so someone is bound to ask why. Btw, Everyone always knows someone or knows someone who knows someone  who dies from this. 99.9 % of the people who die, have other issues. It is not due to this surgery.

Now that I vented, Good luck, and stay in touch. We understand what you are going though. Think good thoughts, and stay far away from the naysayers.

Hugs.

LISA

 Erika

I am sorry your mom is being this way.  I had a sister that was like this at first.  Remember that you are doing this for YOU and no one else!  My hospital was in a town of 10,000 so it does not matter the size of the town or the hospital.  I have heard excellent things about Dr. Joyce.  I do believe that location is a Center of Excellence and you don't get to be one without a lot of work and a great track record.  

Yes, there are risks for this surgery.  We are aware of these.  But for the majority of those who do not make it, they did not follow doctors orders or as Lisa said they had another under lying medical condition that contributed to the death.  That is the reason you do all the preop testing, to make sure you are in the best shape possible for surgery. 

The only people that I have heard of going through numerous psych visits are those who would not be successful without some preop counseling.  Most people are well aware of their issues and are ready to make the changes.  

I think I would probably be conveniently busy in January and bypass going home but that is me and I am stubborn.  My sisters were VERY scared for me.  I found out later that they were under the impression that the fatality rate was 50%.  I had the nurses go talk to them before surgery to calm them down.  I am so glad I did that.  Sometimes just going by second hand facts and experiences of those who know others who have known someone that has had this surgery leads to piles of misinformation and fears.  

I am sure you have thought long and hard about this surgery.  If it is what you truly want for yourself, GO FOR IT and forget the negative opinions of others no matter how hard it may be.  Hugs!  

I think that a lot of people are really misinformed about WLS and others tend to share the horror stories and seem to forget the successes.  (Where I work, there are two other people that have had great success with RNY.)  I agree that maybe showing her this site and seeing all of those successes will change her mind.  

I also want to share that I had Dr. Joyce in with Dr. Lahmann on my surgery just a little over a month ago.  It was done at Silver Cross, and all I can say is that I had excellent care while I was there.  Everyone was wonderful and I can't complain at all about my experience.  Being just over a month out, I'm feeling really good and am very happy about my decision to have this surgery. 

I can understand your mother's worry because, as a mom, that is what I do best....worry.  Just remember why you started on this journey and that you're doing it for yourself.  If my mom hadn't been supportive, I still would've have the surgery and just hoped she came around later.  I wish you luck and don't forget how exciting the journey will be ahead of you.  It's okay to be nervous, but know that you're in very good hands!!  Take care!

Kathy

Hi, Erika...  I am sorry about your mom.  She sounds just like mine.  It's just too bad that she can't see past the fact that she knows nothing about this hospital, the doctors, the requirements, the program, or the support.  I remember you said she and your daughter were going to come with you to a meeting.  It is really a shame she couldn't come to see the facilities, meet the doctor, educate herself as to what constitutes a Center of Excellence, and a Blue Distinction Center.  It is unreal the requirements a program needs to meet before they get either one.

I am so frustrated by her stereotyping a hospital by its size rather than its success.  Silver Cross has an excellent reputation, by the way.  It's in the top 100 in the nation I believe!  I understand she is afraid...  but by saying what she said the way she said it she is not only inferring that you don't know what you are doing, but suggesting that you are doing something wrong by asking you to hide it.  Just like my mom.

I may not care for some of the office personalities, but Dr. Joyce has proven himself to me to be a very ethical, capable, and accountable surgeon.  He is truly holding your best interest at heart, and he has the skills to perform a successful surgery for you.

I wish your mom could see what a great selection you have made.  At this point, if for no other reason than the fact that he is making me do a port repair before he will do a full revision, I would not go to a different doctor.  I trust what motivates Dr. Joyce...  and that is paramount in my book.

I pray that you have a peaceful Christmas as you prepare for your surgery...  God is with you...  Your mom is too, she is just having a hard time of showing it.

Many blessings...

Hello

I had my surgery at Silver Cross and I found it to be a better hospital than Edwards in Naperville (I had a surgery at Edwards 2 years ago).  As far as people dying at the hospital...that's what happens at hospitals, even in the best hospital in the country.  Silver Cross is one of the best hosptials in the country for WLS.  And our doctors have an excellent reputations and haven't lost anyone in surgery or post-opp.  They have one of the best programs I have seen and I hear about a lot programs on this board.  My best friend had her surgery at UIC in Chicago and the program pre-surgery and post surgery was nothing like ours.  She was amazed at how wonderful our program is.  Also, she gets major run arounds when she schedules appointments for fills.  She waits months sometimes to get in to see her doctor (not very accessible).  She had an emergency situation and she drove all the way to Chicago to see her doctor in the ER and she sat in the ER for 21 hours before her doctor saw her.  That's the kind of care she got from this BIG fancy hospital.  It turned out her problem wasn't a big deal but in 21 hours she could have died waiting for her doctor.  Bigger isn't always better.  Oh and with my best friend's surgery she was home the same day.  I don't like that idea...complications can arise.  With our doctors we have to stay overnight (2 days for RNYs).  I liked that.   

Also, I'm not sure what she is talking about but I had to go through 6 months of pre surgery doctors visits, I had to have clearance from a cardiologist, pulmonologist, psychiatrist, and I had a mandatory 4 hour presurgery class I had to attend.  Not to mention classes after surgery you go to.  They are very good at what they do and have a wonderful program and reputation.  It sounds like your mom thinks that you just stopped in one day and now you're having surgery. 

On another note if ever you need to have someone to talk to or just vent come on here anytime.  We have daily roll call, you should check in today.   

I'm sure she is just very concerned and afraid of the "what ifs".  Especially if she knows people that have had bad experiences.  Just remember, you are not doing this to be thin, you are doing this to be healthy and live a long happy life with your family.  As long as you are at peace with the decision, that is all that matters.  Its unfortunate that she is not there to support you at this time when you need her but I do trust she will come along in time.  We are here to support you in any way we can.

One other thing.. Once she sees your results, and how happy you are.... I bet within a few years, she will be looking into weight loss surgery too.
HUGS,
Christina

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!

I really need them in my third day of my pre-op diet (during Christmas, no less!!!! :) I resisted a piece of my best friends birthday cake last night!!!! (yea, me!)

I really liked Dr. Joyce the moment I met him. I was in another program a few years back and never even saw a surgeon and I believe I was three classes or meetings in. I loved the fact that Dr. Joyce was there at the informational meeting right from the start.

I hope everyone has a very very Merry Christmas and great holidays all around.

 Erika

Congrats on sticking to that preop diet!  It is well worth it!  I know how hard it can be at times.  I just kept focusing on my goal of surgery and the fact that I wanted lap surgery and not open.  There was no way I was going to blow my chance on having lap surgery by blowing my preop diet!  Keep up the good work!  Christmas and preop diets = YIKES!  But you CAN do it!