This is TOO much for me...(Long)

Dawn, thank you so much, I actually went to a love and logics class it met for about 8 weeks... I really learned a lot there it was about 8 years ago... I will check out the web site but it encouraged me to look for some parenting classes! Thank you! Jenn

Ok I am going to just basically give you a little advice based on myself.  I can't say it will help but I can say it would have helped me.  My mother and I have a horrible relationship to this day because of my teenage years.  I am still young enough to remember clearly when I was 12 and 13.  I did the same thing to an extent, I decided that my mom wasn't "buying" me enough things and everyone around me had more stuff than me so I would just take from other people and take the things she wouldn't buy me from the store.  Bad I know, I hate admitting to it, but if it helps, I'll humiliate myself.  This went on until i was 16.  The theft was mainly at stores, but I did take a few things from people at school, including money. *words cannot describe how embarrasing this is for me to admit* Looking back I can't believe the things I did, but the point is I finally learned my lesson.  It was a tough lesson but after many years of counseling I figured out what caused it. 

I always wanted to be close to my mom, to have the kind of relationship that I could go to her with any problem I have and not be judged or yelled at or punished for making a stupid mistake.  I wanted her to be my friend too.  She wasn't interested.  I always used to imagine going and having a girls night out or seeing a movie together or making a date to go to lunch ever so often, JUST me and her, not her boyfriend or husband or anyone, just us.  Basically my problem was exactly what Nancy is suggesting.  I was acting out because my mom and dad were divorced and neither one showed any interest in being my friend...they only wanted to be a parent, an enforcer.  To this day I would love for her to call me and tell me to leave the kids with my husband and come out with her to lunch or shopping or something, but she won't and I've accepted that.

My relationship with my dad has gotten a lot better, he calls me all the time and wants me to come over or wants me to invite him over or BBQ or something.  My mom however, not so much.  I know if you try your daughter will probably act like its the lamest thing in the world and that she isn't interested, but she is.  Keep at it.  If shes in trouble you obviously don't want to "reward" her by any means, but maybe rent a movie, sit in her room, pop some popcorn and try to brush the surface and get to know her again.  Don't ask anything too intrusive unless she offers it as she might feel you're trying to intrude in her life *BIG no, no*  Just keep it simple, maybe questions about homework or school or other intrests you know she has (church, shopping, etc).  Don't ask about boys, friends, or bring up what has happened...it will only make her defensive.  As time goes on she will start to offer more information as she feels more comfortable and builds trust that if she needs to tell you something important that you won't blow up and ground her.

Sometimes the best punishment is psychological.  The more she tries to pull away and act out, remember she is your little girl and don't let her get away and believe she isn't loved.  The teenage mind is horrible and causes you to believe things that are not true at all.  You are probably a very loving mother and do your best to make sure she does right, but she may feel that you don't care about her and instead only care about "ruining her fun" and "depriving her of what the other kids have".  I am not siding with her by any means, what she did is wrong, but chances are, she already knows that.

I'm sorry for the long response, I didn't mean to be preachy if thats how it came off nor am I a know it all.  I just wanted to try to help with some of my experience.

Jackie, Big Hugs... (((HUGS))) Thank you so much for sharing your story really touched my heart! I would be heart broken if I didn't have a relationship with my children when they were grown... I am willing to do whatever I can as her Mother... Being a mommy is not always easy thats for sure! Jenn

Hi (((HUGS))) to you all for your support and encouragement! I did 2 water aerobics classes today and that helped a lot... The school is not pressing any charges and neither are the student's parents... We don't know how much the phone costs yet... My plan is to have her do some community service with a local church that prepares and serves a meal to the homeless... My sister is looking into her taking a tour of the juvenile detention center... I am going to call the social worker at our police department to see if maybe anything they can offer... Brad and I are signed up for "Parenting the Teen" and "Positive Parenting" Classes will start within the next few weeks... Serenity will have to "earn" the money for the phone... We were thinking about canceling our trip to Kentucky, which is over her B-day, and she is bringing a friend, but we are still going as planned and letting her bring her friend.  Her punishment from the last time is staying in effect no compromise... I am also going to make an effort to spend some more quality 1 on 1 time with her in hopes that she will see I have unconditional love for her... I just got in from church I am exhausted... I am going to bed! Thanks again! Blessings Jenn

Hey Girlfriend..   This is a really hard age.  I would not want to be a kid again.  I was just wondering if she is acting out to try to compete with the attention you are getting from your wl success.  I don't know..  I'm sure your family and friends are just so proud of you and probably often comment about how well your doing and how great you look.  Just a thought.  Something is going on and I hope you are able to get some one on one time where she will open up to you and tell you what's going on.  She is def looking for attention. My prayers are with you and your family. HUGS, Christina

Hi Jenn....Love what Christina had to offer, I think she may be on to something!  Anyways, I know that God will give you wisdom on how to deal with her....every situation is so different!   Now if it was my child, I would start stealing her stuff and not giving it back!  Then she would get the idea of feeling violated.   Hugs   Pam

My sweet sister Jenn...I am praying for all of you..especially for your daughter that all this negativity leaves her and she begins to look toward the positive way of life. Love Marilyn

Do not lose heart. I too was a terrible teen.  There was a real struggle between my mom and I. I stole, lied, smoked. I was treated terribly by my peers and tormented to tears. I dressed in all black and listened to punk rock and really negative music. We were born again spirit-filled Christians. How could I do this? I don't know. I was lashing out at a world that rejected me and parents that were so strict. I wasn't trusted to make any good decisions on my own. No secular music, no dances, I couldn'****ch any current shows. I was unable to connect with my peers, so I rebelled. It was not so much about my parents, but about trying to find acceptance. My advice is to open up the lines of communication. Make it safe to tell you things , even if you don't like what she says. Listen adn then lovinly advise her about the negative or positeves involved./ Give her a lttle room to show you she Loves the Lord too, and that she can make good decisions, you might end up really surprised. But most of all pray, because I know the intercession that my parents did for me is what saved me from an even worse fate many times. It says to train your child in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it. I am now working on going into the ministry. I love the Lord with all my heart and am now training my kids in the way they should go, and at the same time giving them the room to show me what good decisions they can make. My 13 year old can drive me nuts, but he had a surprising depth to him. We talk about everything, sex, drugs, music, parties, and even more personal stuff. He doesn't get weirded out or anything, because I just treat it matter of fact. We have really open and honest communication and he doesn't really sneak around to do anything, because he knows he can come to me with anything. After all isn't that what Jesus said, there is no thing too small that you cannot bring it to the father?  I know it was all the sneaking around that got me into the worst places and things. Try a fresh start with your relationship and put Christ at the center of the two of you. Try to look at her through His eyes and see what he sees. I will being praying for the Lord to touch this situation and for the eyes of your understanding to be open and an increase in wisdom, knowledge and understing for you, and for a softening of your Serenity's heart so that she may know just how much she is loved. God Bless, Kelley

Kelley, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! Jennifer