This is TOO much for me...(Long)

I have shared that I am having some troubles with my oldest daughter Serenity who is 12 she will be 13 on March 15... She has been stealing; at the end of the last school year she stole a girl's cell phone... My daughter made calls from that cell phone, which is how they tracked her to taking the phone... She had the phone in a locker at school and it was returned... She got in school suspension and the police were involved... She was able to go through a peer jury and had to do community service... On Feb 13th she stole some items from Walmart while she was in the store with us... I did not see her do it nor did the store catch her my husband found the items in her bedroom after we got home... I called Walmart and told them, they said since they did not catch her they could not call the police but I could call them and have a juvenile officer come and talk to her. They also requested that we bring the items back to the store... The officer came out and gave her a pretty good talking to, but she rolled her eyes and said I don't know to everything he asked... We brought her back to Walmart to return the items we had her ask for the manager and tell him what she did... She got a talking to from them... I didn't see any remorse on her part and it was very upsetting... We talked to our Pastor about it as well and the youth group leader who prayed with my daughter and they went over some scriptures... I grounded her for 1 month... No computer, no MP3 player, no hair straightener, and no TV during her 1-hour time... Just last night at counseling she said that she felt my punishment was too harsh and she wanted me to compromise with her on getting her straightener back... I told her if I saw improvement on her attitude and seen her showing more respect to me and my husband over the next week and her doing her chores correctly (Her chore is folding, hanging up, and putting away clothes) she hides the clothes all through the house instead!  She could have it back... Today I get a phone call from her school that she has stolen another cell phone from a student in her class yesterday... She is suspended tomorrow and the next day and will have to pay for the phone as soon as the parents tell the school how much the phone will cost to replace... So she is already grounded... I don't know what to do... I would be here until tomorrow if I got into more I just needed to vent... Thanks for listening please keep us in prayer... Jenn

Jenn, Oh man, you have the patience of a saint.  May I offer a suggestion on how to handle this.  Since she is now feeling that life has been treating her unfairly, well maybe the counselor can arrange a trip to the juvenelle dentention center or the county jail.  I may sound harsh, but it sounds like she is being a little manipulative and using the poor nobody loves me, so I want attention this is how I am going to get it.  I would take more things away.  The moment she asks for something, say sorry, but you are the one having to pay the restitution.  Each time she pulls a stunt keep adding a week, when she does something right, then take a certain amount of days off for good behavior.  Put a poster on the cabinet, so everyone can see and that way she knows that you are not ripping her off.  I can get pretty creative in the punishment department.  No new clothes, no make up, no nothing no candy or treats.  If she steals one more time, it may just result in her going to court and probation.  If this is the case, tell her she will never be able to go to college.  Also, I would not take her to a store for a long long time.  I am also surprised that Walmart did not ban her.  So talk with the counselor and come up with creative solutions.  Second, why does the school allow cell phones?  That is just asking for trouble right there. Let me know if you need someone to talk to, I was not an angel at that age and neither was my daughter.

Wendi, thank you so much for taking the time to offer support... Jenn

First let me say that I am so sorry you are having these troubles.
There is such a thing as too much punisment. When a child needs attention they do not care if it is bad or good attention. At least you paid them some. Why don't you try a one on one girls night out. Or even a weekend with just the two of you? Try to get connected again. Tell her that you realized that the punishment you gave out was probably not fair and let her decide what it should be. As long as it is agreeable with you go for it. Don't build a wall between you and make these years a tug of war. You pull and she pulls harder. If you do that you will lose her altogether. Right now she probably feels just as bad about it as you do. She is at that age where you need to really start listening to her and not just saying it's my way or the highway. Hope all works out for you.

Nancy, Thank you so much for taking the time to offer me support through this rough time for me with my daughter... Jenn

Jenn, Wendi and Nancy gave you fantastic suggestions. I was going to say what Nancy said about the attention - negative/positive. I would find out who she is hanging out with at school, she it might be that others are putting her up to this. She might be doing this for acceptance with a group of no gooders.  What I am going to do is take this whole post to work and ask a few of my juvenile officers if they could shed some light on this. I am sure that they might be able to give suggestions on discipline, juvenile home tour or info on what route the court system would be next. Even though a juvenile record gets expunged this could still follow her if she wants to go into the military. In the meantime find out if your PD has a township counselor. In most of the townships around DuPage we do. It might be someone you can get you and your girl into to have some talks. For example my girlfriend used to work with me about 15+ years ago and we have a a phsycologist and even though she does not live in Addison Township we were able to get her and her 15 year old, my goddaughter into see Rob. The girl hated it at first but after a while she loved it. Rob is younger and she and Megan hit it off and mom and daughter both benefited. My friend was having the some similar issues mainly with attitude and the friends she was keeping. I am sure it would have gone down the road of stealing eventually especially with the friends she was keeping. In His Love, Chris So take heart that it will get better. I FOR A CHANGE WILL PRAY FOR YOU. You are always saying that but now it is all our turn to do that for you.

Christine, Thank you SO much for your help... and Prayers!!! I need them... Jenn

Jenn, I have no advice for you, except to tell you that we are here for you always, so vent  away. Hopefully this is just a phase your daughter is going through, and she will outgrow it. You will survive her teen years.  Hugs

Lisa, Thank you so much for being here for me through this yucky time with my daughter... Jenn

Dear Jenn: BIG {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you! I know how hard young teenagers can be.  I have two at home, and my oldest is 30 today, so "been there, done that". I thought I would tell you about a program that our psychologist recommends and I have had good results with.  It is called "Love and Logic"(www.loveandlogic.com).  The site is a bit heavy on the sales pitch, but the techniques are good. Our psychologist recommends the "Life Saver kit".  I purchased it and an additional book and am very happy with it.  This program is pretty good, and I've tried most all of them.  In a nutshell, it puts all responsibility back on the child while assuring them how much you love them. I am still rather new at using these techniques, but I HAVE seen them work amazingly well.  If you want more info, please PM me and we can talk about it.