Things seem to go from bad to worse

I not sure where to even start. I just know that I am totally devastated. I dont know if I should call and see if I should push my surgery back or not. I guess I shoud explain what is goin on.... I have been married for nine years. We have a rocky relationship. Some days I think I can make it through and then there are other days that I just cant imagine the next day with him. It has taken me a long time to see that he is verballly and emotional abusive to me. He always stayed away from kids but lately he acts as if he just hates us all. I wuld say that I am doig the surgery for his aproval about 20 %. I guess maby I thought if I looked better and felt better and was overall happier that we could make things work. It is a drainin tryin to please him and keep the kids occupied so they dont upset him.  Last night he decided to tell me that I was bein so selfish in wantin this surgery. That I am not thinkin of the kids and so forth. Now i am only 2 and half weeks away. He doesnt support it all. He never said this at any time over the past year at any support group or dr apt, but now he thinks Im stupid for doin this. I gues it just breaks my heart that he really doesnt know at all to know that i am doing this for my family. So needless to say that I am goin completly solo on this with out his help. My family and friends will help but with out him it makes this seem impossible.  Ok I am done venting. I am sorry that this turned into a therepy session. Ithas just been stuck inside of me all day. Thanks to all of you guys on here. Each and everyone of you are blessings!!  Thanks for listenin Measha

Measha.... BIG (((HUGS))) you sweetie. I'm really sorry you are going thru this but please, do the surgery for you honey.  It really sounds like your hubby is afraid of the unknown and perhaps afraid of you losing the weight, getting happy and some confidence and possibly kicking him to the curb.  I hope you guys can work it out but if it's not supposed to be worked out, the marriage will end regardless if you have the surgery or not.  I say move forward w/ your original plans and don't let this bump in the road stop you from getting healthier.  If anything, you are going to need to be healthy for your children. I'll be praying for you.  Relationships are so hard sometimes. Christina

Measha, I second Christina. My first marriage all I heard was how fat I am, and I made him fat by my eating 3 meals a day. Men have a way of really playing with your emotions. You need to take a stand and tell him this is for your family, and that you want to be healthier for the kids. This decision should have nothing to do with him, as you want to improve your way of life. Tell him he'll get a thinner, better looking spouse to be proud of, and one that is healthy and will be around for a long time to come.  IF you have been rocky for a long time, do not let him get in your way of succeeding, no man is worth that. It sounds like you have a good support network with your family. Grab hold of that and let that focus get your thru this emotional time. Good luck!

 

Allison

Christina is absolutely right.  You have to do this for YOU.  If you dont want to do it because it's the best thing for you, well then you still have time to back out. Getting thinner will not save a marrige or change you husband's personality.  And getting thinner buy itself will not make you happy either. You need to take a big hard look at all the things that made you fat and unhealthy in the first place and deal with each and every one of them.   The surgery will only change your internal plumbiing and give  you a tool to help you lose weight. But it you don't understant what caused you to overeat in the first place you may find that you continue bad habits and in the long run won't be successful at your weight loss goal. If you can get yourself a therepist/counselor to try and get some of your issues out on the table and make a plan to work them through. I wish you much success if you do in fact choose to go through with the surgery.  But please know that it will take a lot of hard work on your part.  The surgery is definately not a "magic bullet." Good luck.

Measha, I feel so bad for you. I know this is a trying time for you. with 4 young kids, going to school, dealing with a idiot for a spouse, and getting close to your dream of getting healthy.Please donot  let anyone talk you out of this. You need to do this for yourself, not for a husband. Remmber, we are all here for you Hugs

I echo what Christina, Lisa, Allison and Ronna said to you. He really IMHO is insecure about the future and is using is verbal abuse to control you. I do not know you or your home situation but it seems that he is hiding something and has a guilty conscience so he is lashing out at you.  Do not stop your surgery plans. This is something that you worked hard to get to this point and be approved. Do this for yourself, your healthy future and also to be there for the rest of your family for many years to come.  & Christine

I agree with what everyone is saying.  DON'T MOVE YOUR SURGERY DATE!  YOU fought too long and hard for it.  You are trying to SAVE your life, don't let him or anyone try and take that away from you. As for the actual marriage part, I feel your pain, I am there in a much more complex and painful process at the moment.  If you want to make your marriage better, you two need counseling.  It will save it, if both of you want to save it.  You will need to look deep to see if that is what you want to do (trust me, I KNOW how hard that is). Ok now keep your surgery date.  Save your life!  You are so close, don't back out now.  No one has the right to do that to ya. Smile, it will get better.

Honey Let me tell you.  not only did i not have his support he waited until the morning of my surgery to tell me he wasn't going to drive me to the hospital.  I got in the car and drove myself.  I finally got tired of not taking care of myself and focusing on a selfish *******  Believe me when I say where one won't one will.  but the love you need comes from within you for you.  You can change the surgery , but what else will you or have you given up because he is a selfish.   I cannot tell you what to do.  But whatever you do make the decision for yourself.  You will be happier no matter what that decision may be.   Hope you have the surgery it is the best health decision i made for myself.

There is a fabulous book called The Dance of Anger that this reminds me of.  In essence, you are changing the steps to your long time marital dance by taking a stand for yourself and putting yourself, your health and your wellbeing first.  This is undoubtedly very scary for your husband and it will come out as anger as he tries to "push you" into changing back to the dance steps that he is familiar with (e.g things like you giving up things you really want to make peace in the house).  I totally admire that you are taking a stand for yourself and encourage you to continue doing so.  Only you can change the dynamic.  And, I think by doing this, you are totally modeling what it means to take care of yourself to your children.  Would you want them to give up on the surgery if they were in your place?  I doubt it!!  So bring that same love to yourself.   When I was in the hospital, the woman in the room next door (with whom I shared a jack&jill bathroom) had her husband refuse to be with her.  He came by the hospital once and yelled at her.  She was in tears but I was so, so proud of her for taking care of herself.  I believe this surgery will have you feeling much better on many levels -- and he'll either come along or stay grouchy.  Either way, you will get to be in a better place.  Good luck!  Kelly