Who Do You Tell About Your WLS?

As you can see by my screen name, I am obsessed with the privacy issues surrounding WLS. The thought of my family and friends discussing me is very upsetting even though most of them would be supportive. I know some of my family will think I "took the easy way out" and put myself at risk and my kids at risk for losong their mom just because I couldn't kep my mouth shut. I have niether the patience nor the desire to educate everyone I know about WLS so is it completelr crazy of me to consider not telling anyone besides my husband and 3 closest friends? Will it be obvious by my new eating habits or can I blame them on something else like gallbladder problems? I know I shouldn't care about what other people say but it is really the reason I have waited 4 years before committing to Gastric Bypass. If anyone has had good or bad experiences either way, I am interested in your input. Thanks Much, PrivateGal

Hi Private, I'm a no-teller. Initially only my brother and sister-in-law knew as they took me for my surgery. If I my surgeon would have let me go to surgery without anyone there, they wouldn't have known either. They have been completely trustworthy and haven't told anyone. I've since told a few more people who have also been very trustworthy. Even my mother doesn't know I've had the surgery. I just can't deal with her on some issues. After surgery, I did my best to avoid social situations until I could eat solids again. Otherwise I just said I was on a diet. I learned how to make a little bit of food look like a lot more on my plate, so it wouldn't be as obvious that I eat little. I'm down 120 lbs since surgery almost 2 years out, and constantly get questions about how I did it. Standard answers include "eating less and exercising more", and "working out with a personal trainer", "cutting back on carbs" - all true. In some ways it would have been easier to tell, but I'm in a high-profile job and guard my privacy. I also don't want to talk about it all the time, and I didn't want people watching what I eat or talking about me. I changed jobs recently and someone from my old job told people at my new job, who knew me only as thin, that I used to weigh a LOT more. That set off another round of questions, but I held firm in my story and it has died down. Some of the questioning is nosyness, most is just wanting to know the secret to my success, some is genuine concern. I get asked if I'm sick, or have cancer. I've been directly asked if I had bypass surgery. I can say "no" because I have a lap-band. I'm constantly asked for my diet and for recipies, despite the fact I rarely cook. Be prepared for people to notice, just have your replies ready. One of the reasons I chose lap-band over RNY is because i felt slower weight loss would be less noticable. You will lose weight very quickly at first, so expect to be confronted about it. It's human nature. It's your journey, your life, your choice. Do it your way. Best Wishes, Luciana (no, not my real name)

I was very open for a very long time because 1) I was rapidly changing and 2) I made the best possible decision for me and I have nothing to be ashamed of - no implication about your desire for privacy, this was literally my mindset at the time. I didn't volunteer, but I didn't hesitate to share. My attitude and my reasons, I think, were a bit different. My attitude was right, but a bit of bravado on my part. Underneath it, I think I shared because I had a lot of problems with people making incorrect assumptions about me. That I "wouldn't understand," implying to me that I was inherently unkind and judgemental - as so many people are. I just hadn't made a mental transition for myself, so to be judged in reverse sparked a need to correct others. The problem is that judgemental people, no matter whether they have a weight issue or not are not going to understand because that is a defense mechanism borne of deep insecurity. NOW: I don't tell. I am not afraid to tell, I just had a sobering experience. I am in a setting where I have to, for the time being, interact with someone very insecure and judgemental. Everyone prior to this person had been supportive and able to see me as a person. This person, ironically, looks like she could have once been a model and is quite thin. I didn't think much about telling her (old pic of me and my daughter), but I realized later that she is deeply insecure on a lot of levels and defines herself in comparison to others. It is really important to make sure I know that my former weight makes me "beneath" her. There is a lot behind her issues, but encountering someone with that much negativity and ill will has made me reassess my willingness to be open. Now I make sure someone gets to know me pretty well before I share. As for behaviors, they could be conspicuous, but you can just tell people you aren't hungry and you are working hard on your weight - thanks for noticing. Let them speculate if they want; you aren't obliged to share anything you don't want to.

Dear Luciana and Heather, thank you for your responses, they made me feel better and gave me a lot to think about. I hope that someday I will have some experience to be able to offer advice to others. Thanks Again Private Gal

This is all about you. This is a decision you are making to have a better quality of life. You share this with people you love and care about, hoping they will support you, and if they do, then good, and if they don't then like I said It is all about you, and it has to be all about you. The way I feel is this way...I don't care what anyone says. I have friends that actually yell at me on the phone screaming...you are not having this surgery!!! Kathleen!!! You can do this on your own! That person does not know the 23 years of pain I have endured being overweight! I am 44 yrs old and want to be 130lbs again, and if this surgery can help me achieve my goals then so be it. Stay away from negative people. And tell whoever you want. you will be suprised at the responses you get. Alot more people are supportive than they are non supportive it's the few negative people you want to avoid. Good Luck and tell whoever you want. Kathy V.

I just posted about this on the main board. It shares some of my experiences at work. I'll post the link at the bottom of this post. As far as family goes, I didnt want them talking about me either. But it happens. I guess it's inevitable. They all think I was taking the lazy way out too and tried to talk me out of it. Told me they would help me with diet and exercise, blah blah blah.... I think of it like this..... unless a person has been morbidly obese most of thier life, they are not going to understand. I also think that some freind and certain family members who I didnt get along so well with were discouraging me from the surgery only because they didnt want me to be successful with my weight loss goals. Some people are just cruel like that. My surgery was almost a month ago. There were times (thanksgiving) that I regreted it, but I think in future I will say that I have absolutley no regrets. I hope this helps. Here is the link to the other post I was telling you about. http://obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,4856/cat_id,4456 /topic_id,3168018/ ~Cori