Advice needed desperately...

Hello Everyone, Once again, I would like to thank you all for being here for me during the loss of my Mother...today and tomorrow will be the hardest days in my life... I really need advice on how to answer the questions that I know will be coming from my five year old son today, tomorrow and for many days to come. My son knew that my Mom was in the hospital and that she was very ill. We all thought that she was much better on Friday afternoon; but, she passed away suddenly early Saturday morning when they intubated her, to put her back on the respirator to help her with her breathing...my son saw her after she had passed away and after I told her that she was in Heaven. They never really had a chance to say 'goodbye'...though, he did get to see her, talk with her and hug her before her quadruple bypass last week. He just does not understand how he could have seen her (looked like she was sleeping peacefully); yet, be in Heaven at the same time...he just does not understand that he will never see her again. Just to let you know...my son is/was 'Grammy's Boy' from the moment he was born...he has always belonged to her more than me. She even held him in the hospital when he was born before I did...that is how close they were...she took care of him for me three days per week so that I could work...he spent considerable amounts of time with her, if not everyday, then at least every other day... How do I help him through the Wake today and the Funeral tomorrow? I know that he needs to be there, for closure, if nothing else...I am just so lost and tired, mentally and physically, that I cannot think or cope, etc. Mom always knew the right things to do and say to help us all throughout our lives and I feel so inferior and insignificant right now... I really need your help and advice on this because I truly do not know what to do... ~~Sherry

(((HUGS))) The best thing I can think of, is to try to tell him what your Mom would have told him. How would she have handled this? I have a feeling it will be a while before he asks questions. Kids tend to take everything in, then take a few days to analyze it all and try to figure it out themselves. He will probably cry when he sees everyone else cryingg, but it is from being scared of the unknown and from feeling the tension in the air. I don't have any other answers, except to just take care of yourself so you are strong for him when he needs you. (((HUGS))) Elizabeth

Hiya Sherry HUGS GF!!! I know what your going through and it is very hard! Ask your funeral director if he has any lititure for children to help them cope with dying...I know that really helped with my son when my mom died. Its hard to answer the questions, when we ourselves are hurting so bad, and don't have the answers...but trust me your mom will give you the strength to get through this and to help your son, it will come!!! Your right these next couple of days are gonna be hard on you, just know that we are here for ya....wish I was closer! Take care of you, Janet S

Sherry Hey girlfriend again i am so sorry about your mom..when my grandma died my son didnt understand. He still wanted to see her and talk to her. Well what i did was one nite i took my son outside. I pointed at the brightest star in the sky and said if you ever want to see her or talk to her their she is. She cant answer you but she is always there for you. She will never leave you. cuz she is in your heart and a star. it was cute one day when i was at work this older couple came in and we were talking and they said they had heard my grandma died i was like yes the lady asked how my son was doing with that. well jake was at work with me that day and jake says i get to see my grandma rose every nite when the star comes out cuz she is looking out and over me every nite. The older lady looked at me and said yes she and she knows you and your mommy and new baby will be ok. so maybe go with showing him a star so he can see her that way....lynda

Sherry, First off, let me extend my condolences and send hugs and prayers your way. I lost my dad a couple of years ago and CAN'T imagine losing my mom. Know that my prayers will be with you. I have some mixed feelings about how you should approach this with your son. As for him being at the visitation and funeral, I don't personally think that it's good for kids to be at something for the length of time that you are going to be there. I would let him go to one or the other for a short length of time for closure, but probably not to both. He has many feelings that he is dealing with now and then to see many other people deal with those kinds of feelings may be overwhelming for a 5 year old. Secondly, when it comes to talking about death, I am very open with my daughter about how when we die, we go to Heaven. When she asked about graveyards and why we get burried, I explained that the part of us that feels, loves, learns, etc. is called our spirit or soul and that this is the part that goes to Heaven. You could also refer to Scripture about how we will get a glorified body when we get to Heaven. Sorry, can't help with the scripture now because I am at school, but should be something about it in Revelation or Thesselonians. I can't say that I know how you are feeling, but I understand your concern. Good luck with whatever way you choose to approach the issue with your son and by all means, remember we are here for you. Take care, Hugs and peace to you, God bless, Andrea

I wish I have some great words of wisdom for you......I personally have never been in the situation.......I would just try to comfort him the best you can, letting him know you are not going anywhere! Maybe have some neices or nephews help keep an eye on him, you will need your time too!!!!! Take Care sending you love and prayers ~jesi

Sherry, Once again my thoughts & prayers are with you. No wise words here either. Katie was 3 when mom passed away, she had just turned 3. I took her to the funeral home so she could say her goodbyes to mom. Katie is now 12 yrs old (13 soon) & she still talks about mom, they were very close just like your son & mom. It's really hard on kids to say the least. I can remember when my aunt passed away when I was 4 yrs old & was taken to the funeral home to say my goodbyes. We were very very close also. Dad told me that God needed an angel & he chose Aunt Colleen because she was so special. I told Katie the same thing about mom. I agree with Janet, see if the funeral director has any lit on this & how to cope. Grief lit is the greatest to help out. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. Carolyn