Feeling Lonely, depressed, etc. etc.

Hi all, I don't usually post here but guess after reading all of the posts I needed to vent. I am 43 years old, have 2 kids of my own and currently have 6 foster daughters. I am overweight....well I guess people would call it obese. Anyway I have wanted weight loss surgery for so long (my son just got married and I would have loved to be able to go to his wedding looking good). My insurance company will not pay for it. I have a sister who had this surgery and she looks great. There are also a couple other friends in this town that have had the surgery. I can say that I am happy for my sister but I can also say it saddens me. Why does it sadden me? Because I feel that I have lost my best friend. I am so terribly jealous of her and I hate that. We have always been close and since the loss of our mother, I feel we got even closer until this last summer. We very seldom get together anymore. I guess there is too many conflicts. We used to camp together all of the time and only did twice this year. I feel so left out, I'm sorry sis, but I feel that since you have lost the weight you hang out with all of your friends that are skinny too. If I ever brought you down because of my weight and my feelings, I am sorry. I am so depressed, I HATE myself. I KNOW if I don't do something soon I won't be here to see my new grandson grow up (he is due in November). Can anyone please help me??? I seriously don't know what to do. I have lost weight before and turn around and gain it back plus more. I do have a good bunch of friends, but my relationship with my sister is just killing me. I see her with her friends and see all of the energy they have now and it really gives me all kinds of feelings that I hate. I am even angry with her friends, because I feel that they are taking my sister away from me, how dumb is that????? Sorry all, just had to talk. Diane

Hi Diane! I can imagine how much of an outsider you must feel and jealous/resentful of your sister. Who is your doctor? Dr. Shinnerl did mine. There are a lot of ways that Dr.'s can word your situation to help you get the insurance companies to pay. I don't know how a selfpay situation could be set up for you. I know if I didn't have this surgery I wouldn't last another 10 years or less. I know it has to be hard for you seeing your sister become another person - I do think that this surgery changes you in a lot of ways. I don't think she means to leave you out though. I feel like it is a whole new beginning. There are some places to go out there that help with getting insurance companies to pay for this. I don't know exactly where but I know I have heard of legal ways to get it. I hope I'm making sense - it's 5:15 in the morning - couldn't sleep...lol I am only 10 min away from you in Odebolt. You can contact me at my email address. We are here for you, Diane! You will be in our hearts and thoughts as you go through this time! I'm not very close with my sisters so it would be totally calling the kettle black that I know what you are exactly going through, but here you have a lot of new sisters (and brothers) that would love a sis like you! Keep you chin up, hon! Use this board to let us help you out - no matter what! Carol

Diane, Have you tried looking for a Dr. that will do your surgery on a grant? Dr. Glas**** in Cedar Falls has had people he has gotten grants for to pay for their surgeries when they don't have insurance. I think they have to do some community service work to help pay for it....but if you want it maybe you can get it. Don't be to hard on your sister, it might be just as hard on her. I lost my best friend because I had this surgery. She will hardly talk to me anymore. It hurts and I have tried to talk to her but it is no good. She also needs the support of others who have had the surgery. Jelousy can eat you up and hurt others, try to let it go and take that energy to find another way to reach your dream. You will get there too. It might take a while. Please try to look into a grant and see what you can come up with. My prayers will be with you! Cheri

Hi Dianne, I am sorry for the way you are feeling. Being the one who is left over weight is not easy. Howerver I am going to play devils advocate here and mention something I feel could change you relationship with your sister. I have no sister so this is speculation only. All the sister relationships I have know they are either very close or distant. One extreme to the other. Could you be pulling away from your sister because you feel she has left you behind? If you have the surgery or not (I pray you have that opportunity) your relationship with your sister needs to be fixed or it will never return to the way it was. Both of you being skinny will not make your sister closer to you. As for no insurance there are many people on this site and the main message board who have over come that problem. I believe on the main menu there is a place with information also. My prayers go out to you and I hope you find contentment soon. I understand fully how you feel. Talk to your sister. It could only help. DeAnne

I too had issues with my sister for as long as I can remember. She was always skinny and I was always fat. But what you need to understand and learn is that WLS is not a cure all. You really should see someone about these feelings of jealousy you are having and get them under control. Because WLS is alot of work and the less baggage you are carrying around the less you will have to worry about during the process. Just because you have surgery doesn't make all of the feelings you are harboring go away. You are still the same person, just thinner. And it seems as if you are having this for all of the wrong reasons...looking good for your sons wedding, looking good around your sister... This has been the hardest things I have ever done and will be a struggle for the rest of my life. You really need to get emotionally and psychologically healthy before anything. It will be worth it in the end. And remember your issues are more than likely hurting you more than they are hurting anyone else. There is a saying...You need to love yourself before anyone else can love you. And I think that that is true for all kinds of relationships. And once you get to that point everything just sort of falls into place. Good Luck!

Thank you for your responses. To answer some of your questions or comments, first of all, I do have insurance with my husband's work. It is Walmart and the insurance sucks!!! There is an excursion in there that states the insurance company will NOT pay for wls surgery, even if there are health reasons, pretty black and white. I know that my feelings totally suck. I know that I have to love myself. I have not always been heavy. When I had my hysterectomy at the age of 32 the doctor's took everything which put me into menopause. For some reasons, I don't even really understand, I went into a depression, this started my weight gain. Both of my parents were very ill for a total of about 4 years. We lost our parents within 2 years of each other. So then I started stress eating. My mother died because of Heart problems. I KNOW if I don't do something with my weight that I will be like my mother. I carry a ton of weight around my middle and I know this is not good for the heart. Soooo, knowing all of this, why can't I stay on a diet????? Yes, I did want to look good for my son's wedding but I also want to be healthy, and at this time I am NOT healthy. I know that I have to work through my jealousy issues. Like I said before, my sister and I were very close and we are nothing like this now. There were arguments over the summer that had nothing to do with the weight loss. I know I am babbling on, I think I know what I have to do I guess I just need a push to start it.

Diane...First and foremost I want you to know that "I love you". I can no longer feel guilty or made to feel guilty for having this surgery or for anything else for that matter! As for everything else that you have mentioned, I don't think this is the place to discuss that nor am I sure that I want to go through all this again with you! Do I miss you yessssssssssssssss very much! It saddens me to know how close we once were and to see it come to this! Your health does scare me....I don't want to lose you! Love, Janet

Well Janet, I'm sorry if I made you feel guilty. That was not my intentions. I too have feelings and I was seeking some advice, isn't this what this board is all about? I have told you many times not to feel guilty about your weight loss. I have also told you that I would have this surgery done in an instant if my insurance would pay for it. I need some advice Janet, that's all.

Diane, I had this surgery in Dec right before your sister did. She might of mention me to you cuz i had complications and she almost backed out of having this surgery. But after she and i talked when i was really drugged up i told her to go ahead and have this surgery. You sister is very supportive to everyone and i do know she cares about you very much and she does worry about you. I remember her coming on the board and asking if anyone had any ideas on how to help you have this surgery. I think everyone on here and anyone that has had this surgery will tell you this changes you alot. I never thought i would change so much in such a little time. Yes we do get more energy and we want to do things. I never in a million yrs thought that would happen to me. i also have a sister that i was close to before i had this surgery. But now we are not as close for lots of reasons. I will tell you one reason is my sister didnt want me to have this surgery. There are lots of reasons. Beside the strain on my relationship with sister i have lost some friends. Honestly we are the same person but we are more outgoing. We are all here for you just like we are here for your sister. if you ever need to talk email me ok......... Lynda