It's all becomming real and not just a dream

Hey everyone- I have been having a wierd week. My surgery is scheduled for 12/29. Up to now I have been so excited I couldn't see strait. But this week I have been feeling not quite myself. I have been very agitated with my son and even some of my closest friends- and for no real reasons. I don't think I am scared about the possibility of death or serous complications (although I know those are possibilities), but more about how my life will be "after". I went out alot with friends this week- and felt like a total "5th wheel". My whole life I have always been the "fat friend" & my role has been to be the one that boyfriends and "wanna be" boyfriends talk to about my gorgeous friends. I am the girl that these guys call "such a sweetheart" & "so fun". You know what- I'm sick of that role- but I am not sure I know how to play any other one. I am so tired of being alone. Generally I am OK with it and truly have a good time when I am out with my friends- but for once I want to be the one a guy hits on (and not be afraid he is doing it as a joke). I am tired of being the friend to listen to guy troubles- without having any of my own!!!! I am sick of hearing the awful flippin' phrase: "you have such a pretty face"- I swear if I ever hear that phrase again- I may just turn violent!!!! I want, for once, for someone to say- "you are pretty" and not qualify the statement with "face"- as if to make sure I do not think they are referring to my body as being pretty!!!! I think I want so badly to be "normal" and to have men find me attractive, but am afraid that maybe the problem is not my fat- but me. WHat if all these years I blamed being alone on my weight, but it is really just me. Don't get me wrong- I am not having this surgery just to find a man. But I would be lying if I didn't admit to looking forward to have men find me attractive & to find someone to spend my life with. I think I am also scared that I don't know how to be anything BUT the "fat friend" and will always assume men are not attracted to me, or are acting interested to be cruel in some way. OK- I sure as hell hope the Pscyhologist that OK'd me for the surgery doesn't read this, or he will for sure repeal his decision!!! I know I will be fine- it is just a little overwhelming to think of how much my life will change & to wonder exactly how I will handle everything. Thanks for letting me vent- please don't send the men with strait-jackets after me! Michelle

Michelle, you are not the only one that feels that way. i have felt this way for awhile. i am always worried if i guy likes me is cuz he is desprate or doing it as a dare, a joke but not cuz i am pretty and a great person. I am very lucky i have found someone that thinks i am beautiful he says he dont see me overweight he sees the beauty. now when he said this i laughed and didnt believe him. but it has taken every letter him saying that. I still worry i will always worry. i am having my surgery on the 11th of dec. i am not nervous yet i am happy , hyper, excited that finally i will have the tool i need to keep my weight off. if you ever need to talk you can email me at [email protected] or [email protected]. lynda

I would like to wish both of you great surgeries and fast recoveries! Boy I sure know what you're talking about. I know I used my fat to keep people at a distance. Now I feel like I'm too old, it doesn't matter anymore, I've had my dating years. I just want to not be in constant pain. I will be the FIRST one to be shocked if a man pays attention to me. Even when I was a lot thinner I always felt like the odd person out I finally figured out I was never going to fit in no matter what I did. So I just quit worrying about it. I wonder if everybody feels that way some of the time. No matter fat/thin rich/poor young/old there will always be the jerks out there that get their kicks out of hurting people or playing them. I think we just have to develop better radar lol Sue

The role of being "one of the girls" instead of the 5th wheel will grow on you. It will come gradually as you gain self-confidence in yourself and undoubtedly will probably attract the guys more than your shrinking body. There may be some jealous moments- your girlfriends are not used to competing with you, but hopefully they are mature enough to be happy for you. As for the guys you already know, they will probably like the new you even more. Just relax and enjoy the evolution!