HELP..HELP..PLEASE!!!! My marriage is going down hill FAST.....

let me start off by saying excuse me if i ramble on and at times make no sense...i have a lot to say....I am 1 yr and 3 weeks post op, i have lost 120lbs and smaller than i have ever been, i started my journey at 268 after losing 12 lbs before surgery so i started this whole thing at 280 and i am now 148, 5' 6". & wear a size 8 pants..... in my eyes my husband (jeff) has always been controling since we have been married, when we married i was 6 mths pregnant with my son and when he met me i was 165 and a wore a size 16....now our relationship was rocky from the start...when we met i had just started dating a friend of his and 1 1/2 mths into dating Michael i figured out he was cheating on me...so jeff was a friend to me considering he was always around, so naturally i went to him for a shoulder to cry on and he was there naturally that is just the kind of guy he is (very sweet and sensative), well we dated for a couple of weeks then Michael came to me and said he made a mistake and want me to take him back he even gave me a key to his house and asked me to move in and i did...4 mths go by me and michael are great and then he decides he needs space....so upset i went to jeff again for a shoulder to cry on and he was there for me...then michael asked me to meet him one night for lunch and i do, my mom tells jeff where i went and he comes there and throws a cd case at me and leaves..and michaels says wants me back again and i am there in a heart beat...2 mths later michael says he is moving 2 hours away and wants me to go and i say no though my heart says yes, but i didn't want to move from my mom (we are very close)....and me jeff start as friends again while i am still talking to michael long distance...jeff and i naturally spend time together and all the while i think about michael....then i come up pregnant and i tell jeff that i did not want to different names on the birth certificate so then we get married, and not 8 yrs later i am having regrets and feel like i have missed out on something and i am battling some sort of depression....i have been truely uphappy with my marriage for at least 2 1/2 yrs and since the weight loss jeff's controling has gotten worse though he does not see it and i have become more uphappy with him then ever, but i stick with it for my son and i know its the wrong reason but i do....i love jeff but i am not inlove with him the way a wife should be and it is not that i want anyone else, i don't...so i feel that i only married my husband because i was pregnant all the while i think i was still inlove with michael...sad thing is this is my 3rd marriage and when i met michael and jeff i had only been divorced from my second husband for 1 month so i was never really on my own and i never really had the time to find my self and i think now that is what i want....i recently started seeing a professional councelor and we also see the same counselor for marriage counseling....all i know is right now the most important thing that has my 100% is my child, he is my heart, my soul and the whole reason i breathe everyday...he is the main reason i had this surgery so that i would not die of a heart attack or anything else......i wanted to be healthy and live a long life for Hunter...all i know is that i am so unhappy here and my son senses it and he tells me he wants me and his daddy and him all together...so do i proceed or what....jeff explains that he loves me with all his heart and soul but i don't feel the same way he does.....WHAT DO I DO, I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS....MY SON CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS????????????????? THANKS, CHRIS

It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing by seeing a counselor. Other than that I would tell you that you have to do what your Heart tells you is best for you and your son. I'm sure you son recognizes how unhappy at home you are - wether you realize it or not. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I hate to say this, but if a marriage is rough before WLS - but tends to become worse after surgery. On the up side if it's good it tends to become even stronger! (that is just MY opinion from what I've seen and heard.) Good luck to you! Dee Dee

Hi Chris, I just wanted to post to you, I will keep you in my prayers. You know, something I have learned over the years, in a relationship, people are never "in love" at the same time. Sometimes, going through changes, our love changes. The marriages that make it are the ones that are able to work through these changes and become stronger because of them. No one can tell you what to do. Since you didn't say your husband cheats or is abusive to you, I would do what ever I had to do to make the marriage work. Stay in counseling, for yourself, for your son and for your marriage. Only when you are sure you have given this 110% should you start to consider other options. The changes we have gone through and are continuing to go through really take a toll on us, physically and emotionally. Take extra care when making life altering decisions at this time. Do your husband and you attend a place of worship together? This, I believe, can also strengthen the bonds of marriage. Of course, in the end, you must follow your heart dear. This board is a good place to vent. It's nice to talk with people that have walked in your shoes. I wish you the very best. And I'm here if you need an ear. Barb

Hi,Chris, Big hugs to you! I will tell you that there have been many times in 29 years of marriage that I didn't feel "in love" with Gregg, and vice versa. When Drew was about Hunter's age, I HATED DH. It sounds like Jeff is the safe one. As you get older, that feels like the right choice. The good news is there are more times than not that I ADORE my teddy bear hubby. He's a GOOD and SAFE, and that makes me love him more. Is the counseling helping? I might recommend a new psychologist if things don't get better. The Lord used counselling to save our marriage! Whatever you decide, we are here for you! Big HUGS to you, Chris! Becky

Chris, Hang in there!! All I can say is "ditto" to what the others have said. Check with your counselor about the possibility of an anti-depressant (though you'll probably have to go to your regular doc or a psychaitrist for the rx). It may be you need one temporarily. Staying together "for the children" usually isn't that helpful - if that's the ONLY reason you are staying together. Also, understand that some of your husband's control issues may be because of all the changes you have made since your surgery. It may be some insecurity on his part. Is he willing to go to the counselor too? It will probably help you both. Good luck to you. My prayers are with you. Ann in Duluth

Hi Chris. I can COMPLETELY relate with your situation. If you'd like to email me, I'd be happy to share my OPINION with you. Please don't mistake it as advice... I was in a very controlling marriage with two very young children. I am of the belief that if you CAN make it work, you should. I am also of the belief if you are at the point of being mentally abused, through controlling behavior, you have to take a very hard look at your situation. OR if you want to IM me, I am at britneyklesko on the Yahoo... I wish you ALLL the best. Tami

Hi Chris, I am so sorry you are going through a hard time... We did talk a little about your husband last time I saw you... call the shop if you want and I can give you my home phone if you want or need to talk.. I dont know how much help I can give you , but I can listen to you girly.... Call me!!!!! Kiwani

Chris, I went back and re-read my reply. I didn't like it! Everybody's situation is different. Sorry if I sounded hmmmmm "know it all"ish!!! I definitely have much to learn! You are on my heart and in my prayers! Love, Becky