WLS/ emotional issues in marriage.

Hi everyone, this is very hard for me to post and I do so because I know those of you that are post op especially can help and understand. My husband and I are experiencing serious marriage problems now and I am 7 mos post op. I would have never dreamed going into this that I would be here on the verge of divorce. We were married in 1989 and divorced in 1992. My parents were divorcing after 25 years of marriage that same year, he had come back from Desert storm, it was a bad time. Mom was a legal secretary and divorce was all too easy. Then i got into counseling, dated another guy for awhile who ended up smothering me and eventually went back to my husband and we remarried in 1995. Now we have 2 kids. I have felt for a long time that since we remarried, there's a part of him that has been cutoff from me emotionally. Somehow we never seemed to regain that emotional integrity that married couples need to have. For 8 years due to my weight and snoring, we slept in separate rooms. I tried everthing from weight loss attempts, sleep apnea studies and wanted even throat surgery in the doc's office to cure it. He wouldn't go for throat surgery said it was too expensive. Within 2 mos after WLS he was back in our bed. Thought he would be ecstatic about it because I knew I was. He makes jokes instead about my sexual desire being greater than his and the breaking point was a few weeks ago when he joked about me loosing my butt and that being grounds for divorce ... didn't love me type of thing. Now says he was joking. Last night after 4 hours of a heated discussion and crying, he finally admitted that a part of him died in the divorce. Seems that is the part I'm asking him for now... the emotional connection I need. He said he can't give me that but he would give me all that is left. Says he loves me, wants to try. In 10 years I haven't felt like I was his highest human priority and he admitted he was a lousy husband. Now here I am wondering if I can live with the leftover part. It hurts so bad. I went to counseling by myself last week. I haven't told him I'm going. I feel like he needs help and I want him to want it for himself. If I make him go then it won't repair any long term damage unless HE wants it too. So if any of you have stood on similar ground, can you please share your experience with me? Even if you haven't, your thoughts are appreciated.

Awwwww.... Tracy.... Plenty of hugs coming your way!!! It would be nice if ther was a cure all for this type of thing. While I am not married, and haven't been for a very long time, like 18 yrs, I do remember the emotional turmoil I endured during that time. You are so very right when you said that he would have to want counseling before it would work for him. Forced counseling has never done much for anyone. I think I would sit him down and tell him how you feel, let him know you are going to counseling, and ask him straight up if he feels like your relationship is worth saving and going to counceling. Even if he doesn't want to go, please stay in it for you. Weigh then, the pros and cons of what kind of relationship you currently have. You will have to make the final decision if you are content to stay at status quo, or if you want out. Some people may be content with status quo... I, for one, would not be. And by your post above, you don't seem to be happy with it either. We all deserve to be loved the way we want to love others. I'm saying a prayer for you, and sending plenty of warm and caring thoughts your way!!!!! Susan Lap RNY 12-1-04 285-217-155 (-68)

Tracy, I am so sorry for all the trouble that you are going through right now. The first year after surgery, is supposed to be filled with only up's, but then life gets in the way and we get the downs too. I can only tell you to follow your heart, if you truly feel like there is something missing, and you know he won't be able to give it to you, you need to decide if you can live like that. To have a spouse that is so connected to you phsyically, emotionally, spirtually, is one of the best things that has ever happend to me. To not have that in my life would be a great loss, but I think to have that once, and now it's gone, might even be the greatest loss of all. I am NOT telling you to leave your husband, that is your decision, and it would be a BIG one, you two have been together for so long, and you have children. The fact that you are in counseling, is problably the best thing that you could be doing for yourself. As you continue to lose weight, you are going to have to deal with the "new"you, and at times it can get very emotional. The weight comes off so fast, and you look so different on the outside, but feel like the same old person on the inside, also just dealing with the emotions of bieng able to do so much more, be it as a mother, as yourself, and even as a wife. With all of this going on, the best thing that I can tell you, is to not make any hasty decisions and to continue your thereapy. If your husband chooses to join you, great, but I also would not keep it from him that you are going. I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for... Cathy Martin

Tracy, I am so sorry you are going through this. Being so unsure of the person who is supposed to be your life partner is one of the worst things anyone can experience. It makes you doubt yourself as well. I agree with Cathy, no matter what happens between the two of you, keep yourself in therapy. You will be happier for it and it will benefit your children as well. I divorced my husband because I realized that I could never have the level of trust and understanding with him that I felt were necessary in a marriage. Now our issues were completely different, but at some point I knew if I stayed with him I would be settling for less than what I wanted and deserved, and life is too short to settle on anything. It sounds like he's an honest man, at least he was straightforward with you. You should do him the same favor and let him know the point you've gotten to. Maybe the two of you can come to a decision about how to proceed. Whatever happens, we're here for you. Please let us know if you need us. Kelle

Hi, Tracy, DH and I went to marriage counselling about eleven years ago as a last ditch effort to save our marriage. I don't think either one of us wanted to stay together, but since we were parents, we FINALLY agreed that we should go and be told by an outside person that we should divorce. (We had already been told this by a counselor in the first year of our marriage....made us mad, so we stayed together!) The doc did not recommend divorce, but started us on a long process (maybe six months) to reconnect. The Lord used counselling to save our marriage. It was hard to get Gregg to go the first time. Each session thereafter was harder for me!!!! LOL One of our first assignments was to have a date night every week. That "alone" time was critical for us, still is. The hurtful words are often hiding hurt hearts on both sides! It was a rude awakening to realize that I truly loved the guy that I could not stand!!! There are still times that I want to pull his hair out...stopped that years ago...but I know that in a few hours or days, he will be the one person I can always rely on. Hugs to you!!! Becky

Tracy, seems to me that you have some issues regarding your new sexuality and body (in that you don't like having your husband comment on either) and that he has some issues regarding emotional vulnerability, which could be coming from his time in Kuwait. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him you are in counseling, and that (if it's the case) you would like both of you to go into marriage counseling. Individual counseling would likely help him, too. Remember though that the only person you can control or change is yourself, and you can't do anything to control or change him. I went through a divorce as well as some very deep trouble with current hubby, but counseling gave me the strength to let HIM figure out the problems. Good luck and (((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))) Lorri