My ramblings....LONG

Hello! I went to see my surgeon on Monday. He seemed quite happy with everything. He told me a couple of things I wanted to know. I really didn't know how many calories a day I should be having. He said nothing under 800. A lot of times I'll do good to get that many in a day. He wants me to do between 1200-1400 per day. I range probably 600-800 right now. It's hard in your mind to believe that before you had surgery you would have had a snack that was the amount I eat calorie wise in a day! UGH! It was really funny right before Dr. Martindale came in the room he had a resident come in first, That's the norm, that way they can get the feel for their upcoming jobs. I don't mind it, they are always very nice, but I ALWAYS also see Dr. Martindale too. Anyhow this guy comes in and the first thing going thru my mind is great I know him!! He said wow the TV star, and I just laughed. So first thing out of my mouth is did you go to school around here? He's like yeah. Well he said my school, he was class of 96. I said oh. Then I said well I went there too. He's like no way. I'm like yeah class of 95. Then he kept thinking, looking, and finally asked. What was your maiden name? So I told him, then he remembered me. Most people knew me and only because I was overweight (shy fat girl). Some of the boys he hung around were the constant brunt of my problems. One I will never forget was Alex. He was a very mean person. Always tried to make me feel bad. He told me that Alex had hit him when he was in school, broke out his front tooth. I never knew that, but anyhow. It's just weird how you kind of judge people according to who they hang out with and he was actually very nice. When ever I think back to high school & middle school, I get very angry. I'm actually angry at myself more than anything. I should have never allowed the stuff that happened to happen. It wasn't until my senior year that I finally started to stand up for myself. I'd had enough of all the constant mean comments. I had worked very hard over that summer to lose weight and I had. I was up to the largest size at Lane Bryants, but it felt good to fit into clothes at all. I felt good about my self for once. I owe that mostly to Kenneth. I'd met him over that summer and he made me feel good about my self. I'd never had anyone so kind and supportive to me. He always wanted to do stuff with me. He still does. We've always been together. He's my best friend. I had told him about the people at school and he understood. Although he'd not been made fun. He asked me why I didn't say anything back to these people. All this time I thought it was better to be quiet. Everyone knew me as the shy FAT girl, who was an easy target, I guess. So when I went back my senior year, I was a NEW person. I had all this confidence even though weighing 310 pounds. I will never forget the look on a couple of people's faces the first time I talked back to them. It was priceless. It felt good to me to make them feel bad, even if in return it wasn't right, I FELT GOOD!! That' s all that mattered to me at the time. They had never thought about my feelings, so why should I think about theirs? It soon got around school that I was not as quiet as I seemed and not a person to mess with. Sometimes I look back on some of the girls that said hateful things about me and often wonder where they jealous of me? I think so. Even though I was heavy, I believe and still do I was very pretty and had a great personality, just no one gave me a chance. (Heck it's their loss, not mine) I look back in the year book and see a very pretty girl, just deep down no confidence, so when I finally found my confidence I found a new happier me. So here I am getting all off subject, but I felt this needed to be said. NO ONE should have to be made to feel worthless! We are all worth something, one of my favoriate sayings is "God don't make junk". I truly believe that. Anyways so after talking with Garrett, the resident, he left the room and in came Dr. Martindale with Garrett again. I had brought some pictures, so Kenneth and Dr. M were looking at them and it was weird, but Garrett said "yeah your hair cut looks very flattering" I took that as a major compliment, it felt so weird to hear a compliment from what I'd consider a complete stranger. It's so different to not hear it from your family or friends. The best part about the whole day would have to be the fact I walked all the way up there with NO HELP. I had to sit down 3 times, but I DID IT! Kenneth was nice enough to follow me with the wheelchair, but the way it's all spaced out I was able to sit on the bench so when I go back on in November I'm going to walk without a chair there following and hopefully no sitting. I wan't even winded, just my ankles hurt, probably from not moving them for all this time. I lost 8 more pounds! I'm very happy about that. The two nurses and receptionist all said "you look great". When I walk now, I feel taller, my legs are straighter. I also got to see Celeste my therapist, she said I looked good. She thought my legs looked better. Oh I almost forgot, Dr. M told me he's starting a support group! I was so thrilled, I thought about that most of the day. He said sometime the end of October! I can't wait. I'd love to be some part of this. He said he'd already thought about me helping too. I went to a support meeting that night too, it was pretty good. It felt good to say I've lost 166 pounds! I also got some packages this week. All clothes. Some I can't get in yet, mostly the pant don't fit, there are some jeans. That's what I want to get in again. One of the things I want most is a jogging suit, I know that sounds crazy, but I've always wanted one. I was looking in the just my size catalogue the other day and there is one in there that's purple, it was so pretty, looks velvet. I just don't have the money for that plus all the weight loss, that is a goal of mine to get one of those cute jogging suits just to say I have one. I've never cared much about clothes, but lately I have. It was like Christmas getting all I have. Well this has been long winded, sorry, but I had to share. I'm fixing to be 28 soon and I'm having some major reflections. Just thinking all I've done since last year. What a wonderful gift, it's something that's for a life time! Ps. I added something cool to my website, it's a slide show. Take a look if you want. It's on my profile Thanks fo all the support here. I truly love you all very much. Amy 615/570/449/Healthy (-166 pounds)

Amy, Reading your post has made me smile. I'm so happy that you did find the strength and courage you needed to stand up to the people who weren't worthy. I love reading your stories - they ALWAYS make me smile! You're such an inspiration to me. I can certainly relate to the types of comments you had run into in school. I had a discovery of my own this week. One of the girls who was on our homecoming court in High School is having the surgery cause she weighs more than I do now! I know - I probably shouldn't be so happy for it - but it made me happy to know. I'm glad she's doing something to help better her life now! I can't wait till the next get together so I can meet you - I'm so looking forward to it! It's wonderful to see your changes happening! God Bless! Dee Dee

Amy, I'm so glad you posted this. It has made me think about my high school experience and how similar it was to yours in some ways, and how different in others. I got some comments too, but I was mean and I'd get right back in someone's face. I don't think it was because I felt worthy, like I should stand up for myself, I think it was the fight or flight instinct kicking in. And as an Aries with a hot temper, I'll let you decide which one I chose most often! Now that I'm finally starting to feel better about myself, I feel sorry for all those people back then. They missed out on the chance to know a really special person. Me! I had lots of friends, but no amount of love and support can seem to make up for the bad attitudes of others. Thank god I'm finally feeling capable of loving myself and I'm not so scared of everything any more. Kelle

Amy, I so look forward to your posts, your reflections and your triumphs. You are such an inspiration to me. I truly believe in the "God don't make junk" I gave what I call the "You are a child of God" speech to one of my friends that is on his way to having WLS not too long ago. We are worthy and deserve respect and love. That is why I am so glad to have found this support outlet. It means the world to me to surround myself with people that understand the trials we've all had as an obese person. Good job gal! I wish you all the best! Tonya

Tonya, just wanted to say I love your new pic. You are so beautiful! I wish I had your skin tone. I'll bet you get so brown in the sun! Kelle aka Lobster Girl (yes, I burn everytime)

Kelle, Thank you for the compliment! Did your roomy tell you I called? I miss you gal and hope you are able to make it to the Oct meet. Hugs to you! Tonya

I just wanted to say I appreciated reading your post. I can relate to quite a bit of what you said. Just thinking about it now, I really don't have much to say. I'm such a different person than that person in school. I remember my senior year of college and one of my friends told me I was beautiful. And for the first time, I realized it was true. Before that I had felt like a nobody nothing on the bottom of the totum pole. Anyways, I'm kindof a shy person so I will leave things at that. One thing I have not been able to wait for is a high school reunion once I get to the weight I want to be. Do you plan to go to one? Huggs Jamie

Amy, You always make my heart sing! Thank you for the beautiful post. I have a feeling, there are many of us who want more than just about anything for you to get that purple jogging suit!!! You are greatly loved!!! Love - Sincerely, Becky

Love reading your posts. You seem to write about what most of us have gone through so we can really relate. I am so proud of you for the 166 lbs and for walking to the Doctor's office. You are doing a FANTASTIC job. My stepson is 18 and he watched the MTV show the other day. Talked about it all through dinner with me and now he asks me everyday how you are doing. He wanted me to let you know that he thinks your terrific and admires your courage and resolve. He also said he has you in his prayers. He will be going into the Air Force soon I sure am going to miss him. God bless you and yours, Theresa

Ramble on Amy, I've learned that going back and re-visiting the past can sometmes be very therapeutic. Congratulations on your success, may God continue to shower you with blessings. James