I didn't know this would be so hard...

       Cleaning the FAT Clothes Out of My Closet



                                                

I am sitting here at my desk bawling.  I was cleaning out my closet getting stuff ready for the clothing exchange at the Atlanta OH Conference Friday, and all of a sudden I had some kind of emotional breakdown.  

I feel like I am throwing part of ME away too.  I don't think I'm attached to the material possession the clothes represent, but the life I've left behind.   I think this must be what it feels like when you're beckoned by the glowing light of Heaven.  You want to go in and be embraced by the warmth of Jesus and all your lost loved ones, but you can't help but look back and long a little for what you're leaving behind.  Both are tempting, but you'll have to give something up with either choice.

I think tonight was an epiphany of what I really have been through with this process, and how far I've come.  Holding up my size 30 4x shirt  was like WOW that really was ME?  So who am I  NOW??? Am I the same person in a different body or am I different all-together?  Does the old me have to die and disappear, or can I reinvent the old me and keep the parts I like and discard what I don't.  Do I have control over which parts of me stay and what goes? What if I don't like the new me?

I know it's obvious 85 pounds are gone,so there is a physical difference but what else have I lost? What have I gained?

Giving my old stuff away makes this real ... official.  When I lost weight in the past, I never really got rid of everything  "just in case".   Well, now there's no such thing as "just in case", and tonight that scared me and made me really sad.

I didn't break down when Cigna called with my approval, or the morning of surgery, or when I woke up in the recovery room and I was still alive, or when I lost my first 50 pounds, or when I ate my first solid food. I don't even think I cried when my son was delivered. But, tonight I cried at the thought of giving away my "fat" clothes.

So, now somebody else get's to walk in my shoes, and wear my dresses, and be warmed by my old comfy sweaters.  An old episode of Oprah had a segment where she granted wishes. One viewer wrote in that her deepest desire was just to walk in Oprah's shoes. She felt that by walking in Oprah's shoes she would be subliminally blessed and have the same fortitude to propel herself into the greatness Oprah represents. 

Now, some special lady is going to be blessed with my cherished clothes. I pray they will bless you with physical and spiritual warmth .  I pray a spirit of hope, faith, love,  joy, stregnth and tenacity will cover you when you wear them.  I pray a hedge of protection will surround you, and you will be granted all the desires of your heart.  I pray they will make you feel beautiful.  I pray they will give you the esteem to hold your head up high, pull your shoulders back, rock your hips in a seductive strut, and walk into your destiny of health and happiness.  I pray they will make you  feel sexy, and powerful, immovable, unbreakable, unshakable, and absolutely FABULOUS!!! 

Don't toss all of it!  Keep a few items for as a reminder from where you started.

Wow, what an inspiration you are LaShelle. Your writing is so introspective, so real, so RIGHT ON! I'd be honored to take care of a few of those things for you until I'm ready to pass them on! I would be honored to 'walk in your shoes' and hopefully gain some of your strength along the way!

*tear*

I really need to clean out my closet. Now that I'm preggie, though, I'm afraid to. I still haven't gained anything but I have this mental thing going on that I should really save those clothes just in case I blow up like a blimp with my pregnancy (which I doubt... but my thyroid caused it to happen last time and it may strike again).

Ohh Lashelle... I know exactly how your feeling and am so sorry I was not there when you called!!  I remember giving away my first big stack of things to you as a matter of a fact and how I had to explain everything to you where I got it  nor who gave it to me as a gift.  I truly had a huge attachment to my clothing or the things that AI did in them.  You are so great at expressing yourself!!  you made me shed a Lil tear just thinking of what you were go0going thru.  Just know that now you can replace the things with  NEw things and have New EXPERIENCES IN A NEW BODY!!!    BIG HUG!!!