Confession

OK Ladies, I need to confess, vent, whine, whatever you wanna call it. So pull out your crying towel and read on...

1. I have been depressed in general lately.  I feel like this surgery is NEVER going to happen. I know everybody has been here, but I take meds for depression anyway, and it only takes a grain of sand to throw me in the dumps.
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2. I hate my job. Anybody that tells you working for the government is clueless.  I wish I could find something else, but need the insurance now and plus there aren't many jobs to move to. The one plus about this job is it's stable.  I find myself spending way to much time in my offc daydreaming, or not concentrating on what I need to. I thought the vacation would help, but oddly, it has been worse since I returned.  Seems like wls consumes all my thoughts and it's hard to be productive.  I want to see the psych, but I am afraid if I confess my issues, she won't approve the surgery.

3. The  damned food dreams have returned w/ a vengeance! Please don't laugh at me. OK go ahead and laugh. I know it's weird.  Let's see lately the dreams were being at the fair and being surrounded by tons and tons of cotton candy (I hate cotton candy),  The sight of all of it was sickening. Another one I was in the middle of the woods at a cookout surrounded by greasy hamburgers and everybody was in line getting them and they were running out before my turn.... In another one I was kidnapped by Mexican gardeners (yes go on and laugh). We were on tractors in a field picking thousands of watermelons (which were cut and cold laying in the field), tomatoes, and peppers.  The Mexicans weren't mean, but me and the other prisoners were sneaking and eating the watermelon.  I could go on and on, but those are the ones so far from this week.

4. I feel like I have nobody to talk intimately about my feelings with.  I have never been a touchy freely, sharer type person.  I wouldn't call myself introverted, but I don't share my feelings freely. I still haven't told anyone about the wls except my mom and my son. If I didn't need them for transportation to the hospital I wouldn't have told them. I know I'm strange. Well, I am very private. ironic that I'm posting this on the web, but anyway...  In the middle of the night when I can';t sleep and all I can think about is wls, I don't have anyone to call.  I have been praying and studying the Word more, but still feel anxious and nervous, and scared.   The closer I get to this actually happening, the more the feelings have increased.


5. I have been experiencing feelings of failure, shame, guilt, anger for letting myself get so bad off I need this stupid surgery!  I wish I could just press a button and be normal and make all this wls stuff go away!

6. My son won't cut the grass, wash the dishes, or clean his room!!!! My 2nd car won't pass emissions,  I got a bogus bill from the orthodontist from 3 years ago, my sunburn itches, I need new shoes and hate shoe shopping for a 10w.

7. Almost forgot.... WALMRT DOESN'T SELL ARM N HAMMER DEODORANT OR DETERGENT ANYMORE!!!! THAT WAS MY FAVE BRAND!!!

Girl... you vent as much as you need.  I can't say I have been in your shoes, but I definitely understand the feelings of guilt/shame/failure that go along with being heavy.  It wasn't until I got to the point that I couldn't even find clothes at Lane Bryant that fit me to realize that I needed to do something about my weight.  Now I am so scared to gain the weight back that I am constantly making sure I do not go over my weight goal I set.  It is enough to keep me on track.

As for the other things, I would think you would NOT be normal if you didn't worry a bit.  Worrying is what is causing your dreams and feelings.  When I went in for my consultation for surgery, I basically said to myself that if I am meant to have it, it will happen.  I left after my consultation having turned in all my paperwork and they submitted to insurance.  A month later, and after almost totally forgetting about having surgery, I got a call saying I was approved.  I was shocked and amazed.  It doesn't always go that fast, but my point is to not give up hope that your day will come.

Kick your son in the pants and tell him to mow the grass.  As for doing the dishes and cleaning his room, I do not have any advice for that.  Sorry bout the car and the bill.  Benedryl does wonders for sunburn itchies. :)  Sorry I can't help you with the shoes, detergent, or deoderant.  I'm here for ya for everything else though! :)

*hugs*

LaShelle, bless your heart!  You know your OH family is always here for you.  I can feel your pain about feeling your WLS will never happen, but it WILL!!  I tried 5 years ago to get WLS and went through ALL of my pre-surgery requirements only to get a call from my insurance company two weeks before my surgery telling me that my husband's company had written it out of their coverage and that it was now a written exclusion,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,can you say DEVISTATED????  It took me 5 years to get the courage to try again with a different insurance company.  Luckily my surgeon was able to get it approved.  I had my consultation on Jan. 28th and my surgery was Mar. 17th!   So DON'T give up! 

As for your job, shoes, and kid, I am sorry I can't be much help, but when you get your surgery date, everything will look better!

Good luck and God bless!

OK girlfriend... Take a deeeeepppp breath!!! NOW you have got to feel better after all that venting going on!!!!    You are NOT alone ...are you listening to me??!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!    Many of your feelings are very normal!  I was consumed with this forum and research for a very very long time!! So I completely understand when you say you are too!  I would think it abnormal if you weren't .    Again you are not alone!!!   It is very frustrating to think that we ate ourselves to the point of no return!!  I know I felt the same way.. I would look at myself and go what the hell were you thinking?!  As far as not wanting people to know about your choices I understand that as well because you don't want people to think you are taking the EASY way out.. LOL  Little do they know or understand that this is not the EASY way out but something we feel we have to to to survive!   You stop stressing yourself out of all of these feelings because you are just being normal!  Hang in there it will be here before you know it and you will be feeling and looking sexier than ever!!   You already look like a million bucks just think when you start to feel like a million bucks how wonderful it will be!!!!  
Big Hug from G!!!!

I know I am not alone, but I still feel like it.  

And why am I dreaming about Mexican watermelon bandits???    I am losing my freakin mind!

Lets see Mexican Watermelon bandits.   Maybe you have some secret passion for Mexican bad boys and you love watermelon.  Maybe?!?!  I know its a stretch and all that money spent on dream analysis has gone to waste hu? LOL  

You  know sometimes when our present is not what we want it to be we look to the future or the past to get thru.  Personally I find if you take one good thing in each day and concentrate on it, it  seems to make things a little easier and helps get you thru the day!!  Don't sweat the small stuff and try to focus on something good.  Its hard I know as I too HATE my job!!!  But I feel lucky to have a job right now with the economy the way it is.  Sales are down and my income is half of what it was this time last year!! rrrrrrrrrrrrr  Anyone want to buy a CD/DVD Duplicator... LOL    Anyway girl... You are a very powerful person give yourself credit.  Take the steps although baby steps to make changes you need to make. No one says you cant start looking for a new job and interviewing.  Maybe that will give you a since of accomplishment.  As far as your son... I wish I had answers for you but I have teenage daughters that make me nuts.. Im absolutely no help with the parenting arena.. LOL   You hang in there and call me anytime you need to talk!!   
I hope I made you smile with my smart ass comments!  

BIG HUG!!!! 

G  

Hi sweetie.  You are just having a bad day.  I remember pre surgery.  The anticipation was unbearable.  The dreams just mean you are ready.  I work for the gov't and I love it.  I've worked for the same organization for 37 years.  Great benefits - maybe you are just in the wrong agency or wrong office.  Some are hell.  Look on the agency web sites for another job.  Gov't is still hiring.  My daughter won't do anything either.  How old is your son.  Mine is 12.  She used to be so sweet.  You have to lift yourself up so you don't crash.  Do something fun for yourself this weekend.  No failure, shame or guilt because you are doing something about it.  Surgery isn't stupid - it is a wonderful tool.  It helps you eat so much less and helps you eat right.  You are a great person and you are about to do something great for yourself.  Get some lotion to put on your sunburn and buy a cheap pair of shoes because your feet will get smaller.

Walmart - I hate them - they are the worse - what do they mean by not selling your fave...???

Hang in there.  I promise things will get better.  Things WILL get better.  Are you going to the support group meeting next Tuesday evening?  I'll be there.  Make sure you come.  Linda

My son is 16 and like a typical teenager can be as sweet as pie one minute and turn on you the next.  The lawn was done when I got home today :-) . Dishes still not washed! 

I am going on strike. We will eat pb&j until those damned dishes get washed!  And yes we do have a dishwasher!  It's not like I'm asking him to go out and beat dirty laundry on a wet rock or anything,.


I will do my best to make the meeting next week.  Since Monday is a holiday I know work will be backed up the next day.

LaShelle,

Honey, it'll be okay. I know some of your pain and concern. I'm a pretty social person, but I've found myself withdrawing. I was supposed to go to an old friend's wedding this weekend, but I don't wanna go feeling like an oompa loompa. This process has had me anxious. There I said it! As far as your job, you won't be anywhere you don't want to be forever. It sounds like right now this is a means to an end. Eventually, you'll work somewhere that's more satisfying. As far as the dreams go, it sounds like just run of the mill stress related dreams. The anxiety of this stressful process will do that to you. When you start dreaming about beating your boss with a broom handle and wake up in his office with an actual broom in your hand, then you may want to worry. I've been reading your posts for awhile, and they are always insightful...  Let Go and Let God.

p.s. dirty laundry on a wet rock LOL

What holiday is Monday?  If you are anything like me, the strike won't be for long.

Linda