This is a " I need support" post

Hi everyone..it's been a long time. I have been doing great until I started to get a little depressed..I can't place my finger on my problem.. I need to see a counsler but I can't afford that right now,I quit my job of 10 yrs and 34 k a year to go to nursing school..I am doing great with that..maybe I am just stressed out.. I have no insurance though and no extra money to see a Dr. I have been so depressed..I wrote a post on my maiden name a few days ago...wow..I had 3 glasses of wine and I do not remember writing those things..But I guess that's truely how I feel subconsciously,huh? I can't seem to grasp what it is I want.. When I was fat I rarely got attention.. I mean I was still pretty but I wasn't sexy or wanted.. I have had a lot of emotional issues surfacing since started my nursng class... Maybe in my sub conscious mind I chose to be fat so I wouldn't be hit on and thought of as someone pretty.. It's the craziest things..I have had so many memories surfacing and I can't seem to deal with them.. As a professional I know I need help, but also right now there is no way for me to afford help. The Dr. Had me on prozac for 5 years and I did well with that.. now being off of it 6 months because I can't afford it w/o insurance I am depressed and miserable..I tried filling out the help application to certain drug companies but because of my husbands salary we do not qualify.. Our support group in Panama city stopped about a year ago.. and I really need someone to talk too. My husband ,oh he is wonderful he does everything for me and loves me too..He has had so much patience with me .. My depression, my lack of a libido, my attitude and my sleepiness.. after school I come home.. and go to sleep to escape the world.. In my sleep I can do anything and be anyone I wanna be.. go anywhere I wanna go..I think that is my addiction..I sleep... In my last post under Lisa Austin/.. whoa.. I said alot of things I wouldn't even dream about doing..Like suicide... Yeah I feel alone and blue often... even when I am around friends I feel empty.. I love my family and I love people and I love nursing.. but then there is this other side of me that feels lost and scared... at 14 I was raped.. I don't recall a lot of the details but they have been coming back to me.. flashes things I blocked out.. maybe that's why I don't want to have sex with my husband, I love him and I want no one else.. I just cringe when he touches me.. I know something is off.. chemical imbalance for sure... Maybe these flash backs are the cause of my depression.. I don't know.. I am just lost ..I need advice.. But I don't know where to start.. you have all told me about programs..and right now I can't miss any school or I will be dropped from the program,and I didn't go 18 months to get kicked out.. I graduate in august.. I don't know.. I figure this is the best place to come to get advice and maybe some support...

we all go threw times in our lifes where things dont always seem right. Keep your head up. there are churches that might could help you. Or you might want to try the health department they should have a list of places that you could go to talk with someone. THanks for sharing with us. I hope things get better. Best wishes on finishing your nursing program.

Lisa, Do you have any close girlfriends, church friends? When I'm at my lowest it's always my girlfriends who ground me to reality and help me cope. You are dealing with a lot so please don't deminish the fact that's it's a tough time. There are many counselors that will charge you on a sliding scale depending on your income. Call around to get some referals. Take good care of yourself, you deserve it! Rhonda

Lisa My friend. It has been to long. I am sorry to hear that you are in such distress. We are all here for each other --a shoulder to cry on or laff on or for what ever is needed. Don't feel like you need not come here! Look....you are more than welcome to join us for any of our meetings. We have an upcoming meeting at SEAMC a week from tommorow @ 6pm on the 7th floor of the doctors building. We also have a second group that meets every other Saturday, being our next gather is March 18th. If nothing else--you jsut need someone to talk to , email me..I will send you my number--or maybe we can even meet up sometime or another. Just take care of yourself...jsut one day at a time. Becky

Lisa, I don't want to sound like I am not supportive of all you are going through because Girl I am. Been there done it! I went through nursing school with 5 small children and in the midst of an ugly divorce. Halfway through school I discovered that all of my children were victims of sexual abuse at the hands of my exhusband (their father). I am also a sexual abuse and domestic abuse survivor. Yes I believe that I weigh 500 lbs today to insulate myself from feeling anything and to keep others at a distance from the real me. I never really was suicidal and not really even depressed back then because I was too busy just trying to get through each day and get everyone to school and counseling and getting assignments done. Now many years later I have decided it is time for me to deal with all those dark issues and skeletons in my closet and am seeing a therapist just for me. I can't really afford it because I am on disability but I have to do it. You have to figure out a way to find some counseling. As has been said before there are probably counselors at your school and there are always those who base their fee on your income. Many are also very flexible with the hours they see pts. Believe me I have been to many a saturday appt. and many 7pm appts. It is a very hard first step to make but you must. Even if you can only afford to go to your PC physician do it! And don't be embarrassed to explain your current financial situation and ask them to supply you with samples for a few months. You must take care of you right now. If you don't noone else will. And believe me that nursing is not a nonstress occupation so graduation is not going to decrease your stress level much it will just change the source of your stress. Now with all that said I must ask you to please if you ever start to feel suicidal that you will PROMISE to call someone- 911 or the local suicide hotline or a friend but someone. It's called a contract and if you promise you have to! I just had another idea. Could you go to one of the mental health instructors at your school and have a confidential discussion with them and maybe locate some resources to help you from them? Our mental health teachers in school were wonderful and very knowledgeable about the availability of resources in the area. Oh yeah and I would definitely advise staying away from the alcohol. That has a way of exacerbating depression and bad feelings. I wish you all the luck in the world with all that you are facing and I will be praying for you. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you! Kat

I feel bad you are going through, especially after such a huge accomplishment. You definitely need to seek out some help and share your concerns with someone who you feel will listen and offer guidance. I am glad you reached out to us on the board, but we are limited in what we can do. I would call the Mental Health Dept in your area and ask if their are groups or something available for you to attend at no cost. I know the hospitals in my area offer free meetings for depression and other issues, maybe your area has something similar. When I was in college there were all kinds of counseling available to students through the school, have you looked into that yet? Surely, you can squeeze in a little time to address your own mental health with your busy schedule. Besides, what good is a nursing degree if you can't be your best for your patients emotionally? We can offer you support in getting help, but none of us should be playing counselor online. Good luck to you, but please make finding some help a priority. Take good care, Amy sending some pixie dust your way...

Hey Lisa. I swear, if I didn't know any better, I would say we are twins - surgery, nursing school, sexual abuse - been through it all too... and I have been on every anti-depressant on the market (literally). I took myself off of the last one myself about 3 weeks ago. And I can't tell you how great it feels to laugh, sing, dance and smile again. I have every excuse in the book to not get help, too. Hell, I am a double major in college - nursing AND psych. so I know all of the textbook answers counselors want to hear. But you know, the best support I get is from writing how I feel - like your posts... they help me sort through my feelings and thoughts as my fingers type on the keyboard... and I lead a support group too. Knowing that there are others out there that are dependent on me helps me to get my crap together... only 2 months ago I was very suicidal - it hurt to the very core of my being how sad and lonely I felt. I said a prayer or two - and somewhere along the way over the past two months God must have heard me because over the past couple of weeks I honestly feel so much more alive than I have in a very long time. The bottom line is that no one can make you get help - you have to WANT to get better... when you have come to the end of your rope, you will realize that there is so much to live for,and strive to be better. I am not sure what happened for me that made me finally start feeling better, but I am so glad that I do!... I will pray for you, and know that you are not alone!!! ~ Monica

Can you call the doctor who had you on Prozac and explain that you haven't been taking the meds and why and see if they will 1) see you and set up an easy payment plan and/or 2) give you samples from the stock they surely must have???

IMHO I think the rape played a much bigger part in your life than you think. Women who have been sexually abused often times become obese just for that reason..to be sexually unattractive. I was molested at the age of 2 and date raped by knifepoint in high school. So, I know your pain. Please remember what happened to you was not your fault. And someone raping a 14 year old is not because she is hot or cute it is because he is an animal and wants complete physical and mental control over you in a violent way. Call a rape crisis center and see if they have someone to talk to. Also, there are other abuse type hotlines. It is OK and normal to be a little blue or have bad days. Not being able to get out of bed and wanting to kill yourself is not. I think you were reaching out in your other post. I wish you all the luck in the world. From what I can tell you are a beautiful person inside and out and deserve only good things in your life. Char