Man problems

I'm not sure if this is the place to bring up this type of problem, but I will because I know some of you out there will understand, more than most. So here goes. I rarely dated before my surgery, despite being 37 years old when I had it. I never had a boyfriend. It wasn't that I wasn't ever asked, but I only ever rejected anyone who asked. I had such a bad body image, I thought that any man that I might be interested in would reject me, so I didn't put myself out there. I think I thought, after the surgery, my whole outlook would change and I'd suddenly be outgoing and happy and secure with my appearance. That hasn't happened. I definately feel better about myself and the way I look, but I still, unintentionally, have a "don't come near me" vibe. I've been in therapy since before the surgery and that has been an ongoing theme. It's better, but I still find myself backing away sometimes. I'm a member of Match.com and eharmony and have had little success because I cut it off before it goes anywhere. I wear much nicer clothes and take much pride in my appearance when I leave the house. BUT..........I'm not sure what to do. I tell myself that I look much better and I make it a point to have eye contact as much as possible and I talk to people, even men I'm attracted to. However, I still can't seem to take the next step. Any suggestions or stories of your own problems in this area?? Laura

Laura-I would imagine it must be tough to learn these skills later on. It sounds like you are on the right track with the therapy and making eye contact and such. I know that I have a family member who has something called "social anxiety" and one of the things we worked on was learning and practicing life skills. Sort of a behavior therapy type thing. I do know that one of the things I learned is that the longer you avoid situations the more difficult it is. Hope things improve. Another thing to keep in mind-everybody, well almost everybody has insecure feelings. Some of us just learn to hide them better than others.

Well..I don't know if this will hel*****t....have you tried [email protected]? I met my husband on there about 6 yrs ago...IT DOES WORK!!! Don't be afraid!!! You have to go in with both feet. I wasn't really looking for my husband when I found him, I was looking for a friend. So, maybe go on there with intentions of finding friendship. You never know!!!!! Good luck and may God bless you with love & happiness!! Hugs, Jen W. 304/267/150

I know what you mean - i never dated much before surgery also due to being fat - and I thought that being fat prevented me from dating - guess I just wasn't meeting the right men. One thing this site has taught me is that there is someone for everyone (except me) and that despite being heavy women and men have mates. I worked out at the gym for 3 years and was out there "looking". I wanted and want to be loved for me whether I was heavy or not. Well, now 10 months later after surgery and losing 110 lbs and still counting - I still seem to find the same shallow men I guess or just haven't been in the right area to meet him. I have joined bigchurch.com, eharmony (they never found me a good match) nor match.com or maybe I'm just afraid that someone who just wants to jump in the sack. I'm not looking for casual sex...I want a meaningful relationship, friendship, and love but can't seem to find it still. I am definately dressing better to work now that I fit in size 16, 14, medium from 24, and 26's so I do feel better about myself as a whole but i think men aren't seeing it - and don't understand. Though I notice that people are looking at me more than they were before. I don't know can't explain it.