depressed and sad!!!

Hi all! I am so depressed! My husband and I split 8 months ago after 10 years of marriage and knowing him for over 20 years. He had addicatiion issues and he was cheating on me. I have been fine without him until Saturday. I got a call from his cousin and his sister had been murdered. I wanted to go to him and comfort him but knew he was living with his girlfriend. He called me to tell me and I wanted to burst into tears and tell him how much I still loved him but did not. I am sure it would not do any good. I know he took his girlfriend to the service with him in another state. Now his hole family knows we are not together any longer. I feel like am going crazy I know he has closed the chapter on us. I filed for divorce in January but feel lost without him. I feel like I invested so much of my life with him (since I was 12 and am now 33) and he up and leaves me in Oct. for a someone else. I pray to God to take this heartache away. It is like I can't think of anything these last few days but he and I and all the memories(not all good I might add) Maybe I am just lonely! I feel like no one will every want me! I am still pre op and have not had my wls yet. I am just confused. Thanks for listening

This may not help how you feel but my husband had addiction problems and it was hard but after 5 years I made him leave....not nearly as long as you but had been with him 14 years --- I told him that before he could love me he had to love himself enough to get help -- it was lonly but I did not have to worry about the missing money and nightly drive throughs from the people that he owed money to.I was lonelky but did not have to deal with the lies and in the end I felt better - over a year later we got back together and I did not feel lonly but the money problems and lies still left a hurt ...I do not rellay know where I am going with this except you are not alone.I do not know what problems you had but maybe you are better off right now - if you need to talk please feel free to email, MIsty

its good to vent. keep your head up were here for you

Concentrate on getting to your new life. Things will get better. There is someone out there for you. Just try to remember why you aren't together. I remember the hurt but it really does get better. You just have to believe. Now I am married (21 years) to a wonderful man with wonderful kids. I would have never had the support and love to live and to have the surgery with out my hubby now. You will find that special person also. Just hang in there and remember we are all here when you need to talk. Carol

Try to concentrate on all of the positive things you want in your future and look forward. Looking back will only leave you feeling hurt and alone. But the future is new and full of bright possibilities. It may seem lame but when you feel yourself slipping back into a funk and missing him say to yourself out loud "that is my past-- and that is not what I am about anymore. I am about my future." Every day you are making new memories without him and it is up to you to make them happy memories, good memories, memories of fun things. You can do this. You are stronger and smarter than you think. Red

SWEETIE, YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF #1, YOU!!!! THE PAIN IT DOES GO AWAY, I PROMISE. YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN HIM. YOU DESERVE A MAN WHO LOVES YOU, NOT THE ADDICTION. I HAD GIVEN UP ON MEN, WHEN GOD BROUGHT ME STEPHEN. I MET STEPHEN ON-LINE @LOVE @AOL.COM. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 6 YRS AND MARRIED ALMOST 3YRS. SOOOO... WHEN ALL LOOKS GRAY, REMEMBER GOD DOES HAVE A PLAN FOR EACH OF US. TAKE A LOOK AROUND AND MAYBE YOU WILL FIND THE ANSWERS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!!! HUGS, JEN W. 304/281/150

Cheryl, I lived for 10 years with my ex who was physically and emotionally abusive. Its hard to see it when you are in it, but when you get out it all becomes clear.. Living with someone who has an addiction is horrible, and I too am thankful you are out of that marriage. Have you gone to a support group? Learned about c0-dependent behavior, and why women like us end up with losers like our ex's? I needed support and counselling to get my mind straight again. I had a similar experience after I left my ex his neice died. I felt out of the loop, but went to the funeral home before visiting hours and paid my respects and signed the guest book. I did this for my niece, not for anyone else. Its good others in the family knows what he is doing, maybe someday they will see what problems he has. For me learning about the abuse cycle was eye opening, blow up, honeymoon, build up....it goes over and over. Perhaps you've seen that in your marriage. You are working now on doing something for yourself, what a brave journey. Don't look on what you had, because apparently is wasn't much. I know its comfortable, but you throw out old shoes when they are shredded and with holes don't you? I know its hard, because right now you are hurt inside for being rejected, it does hurt. But don't stay there. Undertaking this surgery will open a new life for you Cheryl. You will gain more confidence in who you are and start to love yourself for you. I know its hard -hugs-, really I do, but let it go. You deserve better, you are moving on to a new life, a healthier you. STart working on yourself inside, so when the time is right you will find a HEALTHY man who is strong and not addictive nor abusive. Learn from this mistake, and don't ever let satan tell you that you are not worthy and no one will ever love you again. Because that is not true. I remarried 7 years ago, and am very blessed. You are young yet girlfriend, and your life is just beginning. For me, having God was my support line (He still is) He kept my head from going under. I surrounded myself with healthy people and worked on myself from the inside out. A good book is Boundaries by Gary Smalley or Townsend (I think) I pray that God will heal your emotional wounds, and that you will find peace within yourself. blessings, Tami

Hi Cheryl, I have different thoughts than others who have written to you here. I am a big believer in dealing with your feelings as they come and not stuffing them down to pretend they aren't there. With that said, look at how you are feeling & why. Challenge the thoughts good and bad to see if you are being true to yourself. Change the negetive to positive, i.e. "I feel lost without him"; change to "my life revolved around being his wife & now I'm free to discover who I truely am!" The next one is a horrible one, "I feel like no one will ever want me!" Change to, "I am not an accident and God wants me, I value God's thoughts and opinion of me, so I am worthy to be loved...I love me and expect treatment of worthiness from all others around me!! Those who don't treat me with respect don't need to be in my life!!" (That one is hard, but begin repeating this to yourself and believing it. That will take time too.) See what I'm getting at. These tapes that flood our minds are good and bad, mostly bad about ourselves because we are harder on ourselves than others. As bad ones continue to go off in our minds, we must continue to challenge them. Also, as thoughts of confusion creep in, make a list of why you are feeling confused to get clarity. Let feelings come and work through them. Don't run and hide from them and challenge all the negetive!!! I would at least send a card to the family to let them know you care. If it is possible, I would attend the funeral if this won't be to hard on you. Your support to the family may be helpful. Hope this helps...good luck to you. Lori

Cheryl..you're feelings are perfect normal - under the cir****tances, and you're going through a tough time. I can not offer much since I'm single still though I have once loved and I know it hurts - so I know that you're in a much deeper hurt that I was. I will say a prayer for you - for the Lord to help you during this difficult time...I don't think that with your ex's family history it would be out of the ordinary for you to go to the funeral or send regards or do something from your heart.. Despite your husband - you knew them as people and family and as such in this time of loss - since you also feel that sense of loss - you should be participating in that sitiuation. I wish you luck - and hope that you'll be feeling better soon.

Tami said exactly what I wanted to say!! She got it all completely right, except for the Boundary book which she got half right. The book she referred to changed my life and it's called Boundaries - When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control Of Your Life The book is available from Amazon.com and is written by Drs. Cloud and Townsend (not Smalley). Jan