I am so ashamed!
I had the vertical sleeve done on 3/10/10. I lost 100 pounds. That was great...or was it. It was great for my health but emotionally it threw me for loops I could have never imagined.
My surgery itself went well. My trip to mexico and the experience I had while there was excellent! I would never have received such good treatment in the US. I didnt experience much pain at all and flying back across the country to get home was a breeze. I couldnt have asked for anything better.
I got home and started losing weight and completely changed the way I ate and the way I thought about food.. I loked at food as strictly a means of nutrition that my body required. I concentrated on eating proteins, vegetables and fruits only. I completely cut out all carbs. I drank only water. I was excited for a while as the weight kept coming off. I then was able to buy clothes that were several sizes smaller which was very exciting for me. There was only one problem...no matter how much weight I lost, what size clothes I got in to, any time I looked in a mirror I saw someone who weighed over 300 lbs. I saw the old me. I could never get past that to see the new me. I would get compliments daily, run into people who could barely recognize me because of my weight loss but I never saw that slimmer person.
Ultimately this all lead to depression, me being discouraged, me wondering why I was doing without food that I liked if I wasnt going to see the difference. I began to slowly eat the things I shouldnt. I add things back into my diet here and there that I shouldnt eat. As I am sure yo have guessed by now I gained weight back. I would estimate a good 50lbs of it back. I dont know for sure because I refuse to step on the scale.
What I realize now is that I wasnt emotionally or psychologically prepared for what was ahead of me after surgery. I had no idea I would go through the self image issue. I never realized that I truly did like to eat. I also use food for comfort and when I am happy.
Nonetheless, I am so embarrassed that I rarely leave the house because I do not want people to see I gained weight. I am ashamed of myself. I completely let myself down and wasted money having surgery. I saved for years to be able to have that surgery in hopes that it would change my life for the better. I wanted to be healthy and happy for my kids. I wanted to be able to run and play with my kids. Instead they have to be embarassed of me. I have absolutely no energy on a daily basis.
It is really taking a lot for me to post this but I am posting in hopes that maybe someone else has gone through something similar and just maybe can point me in the right direction. I just dont even know what to do with myself.
My surgery itself went well. My trip to mexico and the experience I had while there was excellent! I would never have received such good treatment in the US. I didnt experience much pain at all and flying back across the country to get home was a breeze. I couldnt have asked for anything better.
I got home and started losing weight and completely changed the way I ate and the way I thought about food.. I loked at food as strictly a means of nutrition that my body required. I concentrated on eating proteins, vegetables and fruits only. I completely cut out all carbs. I drank only water. I was excited for a while as the weight kept coming off. I then was able to buy clothes that were several sizes smaller which was very exciting for me. There was only one problem...no matter how much weight I lost, what size clothes I got in to, any time I looked in a mirror I saw someone who weighed over 300 lbs. I saw the old me. I could never get past that to see the new me. I would get compliments daily, run into people who could barely recognize me because of my weight loss but I never saw that slimmer person.
Ultimately this all lead to depression, me being discouraged, me wondering why I was doing without food that I liked if I wasnt going to see the difference. I began to slowly eat the things I shouldnt. I add things back into my diet here and there that I shouldnt eat. As I am sure yo have guessed by now I gained weight back. I would estimate a good 50lbs of it back. I dont know for sure because I refuse to step on the scale.
What I realize now is that I wasnt emotionally or psychologically prepared for what was ahead of me after surgery. I had no idea I would go through the self image issue. I never realized that I truly did like to eat. I also use food for comfort and when I am happy.
Nonetheless, I am so embarrassed that I rarely leave the house because I do not want people to see I gained weight. I am ashamed of myself. I completely let myself down and wasted money having surgery. I saved for years to be able to have that surgery in hopes that it would change my life for the better. I wanted to be healthy and happy for my kids. I wanted to be able to run and play with my kids. Instead they have to be embarassed of me. I have absolutely no energy on a daily basis.
It is really taking a lot for me to post this but I am posting in hopes that maybe someone else has gone through something similar and just maybe can point me in the right direction. I just dont even know what to do with myself.
I think if your post says anything, it says this is a person *****ally needs to sit down with a trained therapist and do some serious work.
There is no one on this support group who is going to be able to write you a post that is going to fix what's wrong, so I would so strongly encourage you to get with a therapist and begin your journey to wellness.
Often what is wrong with is is the result of something that is broken between our ears, so this is where the real work needs to be done.
Wishing you the best...
I think the fact that you have faced up to the situation and written about it is a good first step. You are out of the denial phase.
Congratulations!!
You have not gained ALL of it back, only 50 lbs.
Next step is to forgive yourself, and begin to figure out what is causing the head hunger. One of the things I began to do early on was ask myself whenever I had an urge to eat what it was that inspired me. Most often it was one of those food commercials. I realized that tv watching and reading were my triggers. Another thing was the desire for a distraction when whatever happening in my life was unpleasant (bored at work, and procrastinating from working)
As for the mirror thing, I believe that is called body desmorphic disorder or something like that. If you cannot afford to get professional help as the other poster recommended, you might consider getting a book or two on that issue.
The BEST thing you can do is go back to basics. Protein shakes and small meals. Pretend you are one week post-op. When that weight begins to come back off, you will find your path again.
Another thing you might try is some toning exercises that begin to sculpt your body so you WILL see a new body instead of a reduced, lighter body that still has the same original shape.
Maybe that original shape was what discouraged you and made it hard to see the results.
I see many people's AFTER pics and they still look like fat people, just scaled down. Exercise could GREATLY change that.
I wish you all the best in finding your way back onto the path!
Congratulations!!
You have not gained ALL of it back, only 50 lbs.
Next step is to forgive yourself, and begin to figure out what is causing the head hunger. One of the things I began to do early on was ask myself whenever I had an urge to eat what it was that inspired me. Most often it was one of those food commercials. I realized that tv watching and reading were my triggers. Another thing was the desire for a distraction when whatever happening in my life was unpleasant (bored at work, and procrastinating from working)
As for the mirror thing, I believe that is called body desmorphic disorder or something like that. If you cannot afford to get professional help as the other poster recommended, you might consider getting a book or two on that issue.
The BEST thing you can do is go back to basics. Protein shakes and small meals. Pretend you are one week post-op. When that weight begins to come back off, you will find your path again.
Another thing you might try is some toning exercises that begin to sculpt your body so you WILL see a new body instead of a reduced, lighter body that still has the same original shape.
Maybe that original shape was what discouraged you and made it hard to see the results.
I see many people's AFTER pics and they still look like fat people, just scaled down. Exercise could GREATLY change that.
I wish you all the best in finding your way back onto the path!
Sweeetie, I know this post is a couple months old, but never hate yourself like that. That's the thing surgery doesn't fix...our minds. We get obese due to mental issues and unless we face them and get help for them we will continue to treat food as a medication.
I am having a hard time, too, but I seem to be back on track and losing again. It took about a year of soul searching to realize that I AM WORTH IT. My band has to be kept pretty loose, so the weight I've lost in the past 3 months (27 pounds) has been all me.
I follow the protein first rule...get in about 4-6oz of CLEAN protein (nothing packaged. Band sucks...tight a lot of times, so I have a lot of organic ground turkey), then I usually have a salad a day and a fruit "dessert" a day. I don't do soda, coffees or anything like that. Jus****er and I add mio flavors to spice it up.
If you need to talk just write me. I so understand where you're coming from. But we can't expect miracles. You lost the weight and you can do it again. Step on that damn scale and then promise yourself that you're going to reinvent yourself. Look for an addiction counselor or another type of therapy outlet. This time focus on fixing your mind :) hugs
I am having a hard time, too, but I seem to be back on track and losing again. It took about a year of soul searching to realize that I AM WORTH IT. My band has to be kept pretty loose, so the weight I've lost in the past 3 months (27 pounds) has been all me.
I follow the protein first rule...get in about 4-6oz of CLEAN protein (nothing packaged. Band sucks...tight a lot of times, so I have a lot of organic ground turkey), then I usually have a salad a day and a fruit "dessert" a day. I don't do soda, coffees or anything like that. Jus****er and I add mio flavors to spice it up.
If you need to talk just write me. I so understand where you're coming from. But we can't expect miracles. You lost the weight and you can do it again. Step on that damn scale and then promise yourself that you're going to reinvent yourself. Look for an addiction counselor or another type of therapy outlet. This time focus on fixing your mind :) hugs
I've been on prednisone and chemo for over 7.5 years. Gained over 160 pounds due to pred. Highest wt. 410. Surgery wt. 365. Current wt. 299
See ya,400s, 90s,80s,70s, 60s, 50s, 40s, 30s, 20s, 10s 300s!!!!
See ya,400s, 90s,80s,70s, 60s, 50s, 40s, 30s, 20s, 10s 300s!!!!
Hi Sweetie
I know this post is old but I was very touched by your honesty and courage to write it. I dont know what your situation is currently, and it does not matter to me as I dont judge, but whatever your going thru now I would like to extend a friendly hand and chat with you. Also I want you to know you are SO NOT ALONE in your experience. It just that people who share a setback dont write on the boards like people who are gliding along with only good stories.
Hope you contact me
Marian
Marian in St Petersburg, FL
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