not much support

my family supports me, but I feel it is supeficial. they think this is just a quick fix, and really havent read anything or even ask about the surgery. My inlaws are less supportive. My mother in law is a nurse, and she told me and my husband this is a terrible surgery, blah blah blah. But i have great confidence in myself and surgeon. he had only lost i think 2 patiendt, and both were due to something other than WLS. NO one wants to watch any viseos or read up on the surgery, they just want to critize me for wanting to have it done, Also, a friend of mine is extremely over weight, I know she has to be over 350 lbs and about 5'2. she want to have surgery but no one supports her at all, so she wont even call a DR. her email address is [email protected] if you can drop he a word and let her know it is a silver linig

I am sorry you do not feel supported by your family. But perhaps they are overwhelmed and confused by the surgery. You know this is a surgery where by the time we have it we know it inside and out and we want our families to know all about it too. And I am not sure we have the same expectations when we have other surgical procedures. Sometimes I think we expect too much from others. Perhaps your family is unsure just what you expect from them in the way of support. In any case, you can do this on your own, many have. You can build a support system with or without your family. It is nice when your family steps up -- but if that is not possible then start thinking about what your needs may be and who in your circle of friends or community may be able to fill those needs. Then start asking for their help. A support system is just that a system. It may be friends, family, it may even include paid professionals. But it does not have to be left up to chance and it does not have to be haphazed -- catch as catch can. You can plan. The surgery may be a new experience for you, but certainly enough people have been through it to be able to give you guidance on what kinds of support you may need. I think once you start thinking about your support system and start building your plan, you will feel more confident-- and perhaps less needy. This in turn, may make your family feel a little less overwhelmed and give them a clearer understanding of what kind of help you will need from them. Write your plan out. Be very specific. Then you can ask your family for specific help. For example-- help with meals or child care. But you should also have some back-up plans built into your system. For example -- if you have that someone is coming to prepare a meal for your family -- the back up plan may be delivery from a local restaurant or a microwave dinner in the freezer. You get the idea. Your husband and older children can help you with the plan. I am saddened to hear of your friend. But she really needs to start this journey herself. Have you sent her the link to the web site so that she can start looking at the posts. Many people simply read the posts and lurk for sometime while they are deciding for themselves whether or not this is something they wish to persue. Your friendship and encouragement I am sure are very important to her and will be a great influence on her as she sees how you do with the surgery. Good luck to the both of you.

Florida Girl, I had limited support from my family also, My wife totally supported me, my mother didn't. I made up my mind that this was the best thing for me, and that I was going to do it. At that point, I decided that I was not going to listen to nay sayers. You were either with me or against me, if you were with me, I was happy to have you on my team, if you were against me, get out of my way, I didn't have time for you. I went from 385 pounds, to 220 pounds and I feel great. My mom still thinks all I needed to do was go aon a diet and I could have lost the weight if I really tried. I just took the easy way out. I don't care what she thinks anymore, I am healthier now than I have ever been in my life. I weigh less now, than I did when I was in junior high school, and I was six inches shorter. Do not let them discourage you, ignore the nay sayers, and do what you have to do, to save your life, and make it worth living. Good luck, and if you ever need someone to talk to, contact me. Steve 385/220/goal

Hey Florida Girl - I just wanted to reply to your message. Ill tell you what I did. I sat at the computer one night and just wrote. I wrote a letter to I dont even know who - just what Ive done in the past 15 years to lose weight. I wrote and kept writting. I wrote about the emotional battlegrounds in society. IE: Missing school dances, buying bigger vehicles, losing out on the "popular status" - b/c that was for skinny girls, etc! I wrote each diet I had done and how many times, each diet pill I had taken, each exercise program I did, ect. I just wrote about my life when it came to my weight and how it affected me - i wrote about the endless cycle of losing and gaining and how petrified I was about my health. And you know what? People read it - thye read it and they understood. i put in there about how Ive decided to tak e apositive change in myh life and have WLS. How it may be a scary thing - but its my last resort and a much needed surgery at this point! Ill admit some people look at it and could care less - but people that have hearts - they read it and they understand. There hearts often go out to me - and Im in NO way looking for sympathy - but I was looking for support - through my words since people think this is a joke when its mentioned! Try it - write, for yourself and then others can benefit from it. I ended up sending it in to my insurance company as my personal story! GOOD LUCK!!!

Gina, I was just reading these posts and read your profile. I may have some info that could help with your appeal. I also have Aetna and was denied twice. Email me and I will respond from home this evening. Terri

im sorry to hear this... REMEMBER... this is YOUR decision... its not easy without support... but itc an be done... you have all of us on here who are more then willing to support you and your friend

Dear Florida Girl: Im sorry that you're not getting the support you need from your family or close friends,unfortunately that happens. The important thing to remember is to keep it on the low&low. Now that you know that are not there to support you - then don't mention it. Hopefully you're husband is there to support you. THEN...after you have surgery and the results start showing THEN you can show them that they were wrong!! The other important thing is that you need and want this to happen. YOU are the only person that knows if you are ready, YOU will be the only one to benefit. I can understand people's concern - this is not an easy surgery - many complications and things can happen like any other surgery. We can all understand their concern however to be judgemental - that is wrong on all levels. To those that were negative with me - I just moved on and didn't nor haven't spoken to them about it - I just let them see the results afterwards and if they have something possitive to say I'll listen but I don't talk to them about it. And if they are possitive to share then I do share something. The thing is you have to please yourself - cause we can't please everyone. Not everyone is gonna be positive of this. This is your journey - and sometimes it's unpleasant to go at it alone. This includes your friend. She has to WANT it enough to possibly make the journey alone - but we're here for you and her. Sometimes the only ones that undestand are the ones who have gone before you - but those that won't, don't have this journey could never understand. Even as much as my parents, and family have supported me - they could not understand what i've gone through - that's why this site is sooooo important because of those that have gone before me and with me and after me....those are the only ones who can understand. Ask your friend - and you - to stick with us. okay. Take care.

Hi Florida Girl, I'm sorry to hear that you family's support feels superficial. However, if they say they support you at all, that is a good thing. When I told my family about this they said they supported me and were even happy for me. However, my mother confessed last Friday that even though she supports me, she is very scared about the risks. Now I could have taken that to mean that she was being superficial, but I didn't. I took it to mean that she loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me from the risks that are involved. I was glad she confessed her concerns because that allowed us to talk more openly about the process. She even went with me to my consultation with the surgeon and spoke boldly to her when he questioned her support. Perhaps your mom or family support memeber could go with you to meet your surgeon or to a meeting with you to learn more about the procedure. They may really support you, but feel as my mother does. They love you and don't know how to express their concerns. Keep an open mind. Now if they don't support you, let them know that you respect them, but for now need to distance yourself. My doctor assured me that a good attitude helps with recovery. So you need positive influences right now, not negetive. Well, I hope this helps with your feelings of hurt. Families are funny, you can't change them for new ones no matter how they treat you. They are always your family. What you can do is like Ruth said, don't talk about the surgery in front of them if they don't want to hear it. That's what we are for. We will always be your support system if family doesn't stand up to the task. We know your feelings and have many of them too. So, love your family and run to us for support. Lori

You have to do this for you. If you don't get support from home, than get it from this board, and from a local group around you. There should be some bariatric support groups around, and if not join T.O.P.S. or something. You can do this, you can overcome...and you can show all those naysayers that they were wrong....just think how good it will feel. Remember, they are speaking out of ignorance and often fear. They are expressing their concern, because they do care. So don't be angry with them, just meet them where they are and love them inspite of themselves. Blessings, Tami