im so depressed today....

I just feel so horrible today.. like a truck hit me. For the first time in my life I have aches and pains because of being so obese. I do not know if I can wait a year to have this surgery done like the insurance makes you. They make you go through a weight loss class and you got groups every week etc..... I feel guilty for feeling so bad because there is alot worse going on around me and in the world. But when i see those shows about how people hate them selves and get the chance to improve themselves I think well hell i have been through alot worse then they have and all i do is do do do for people, and what do i get in return? But I was brought up to help people, and not think so much about material things. I guess what i am trying to say is that WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN? Am I being selfish for wanting a turn? Am i being self centered? Greedy? But all I want is a simple surgery that can help me with my goal of having a weight under 230 lbs. I do not want a super model body or a nose job or a face lift just a life lift. So that I can go out and have lunch with co workers and fit into there car and the booth or table chair etc.. Not have to worry so much about that i dont have anything to wear not because i dont have clothes, but the fact that none fit anymore, or that they just do not make going out clothes in my size. Through my 20's all I did was work, eat, sleep, and take care of my kids, because I was to fat to do anything. I have been on every diet out there and lost and gained and lost and gained.. And each time i gained back a little more then i lost. I am 6'0 and 350 something lbs. i want to be under 230 and i think i would look fine. Last night for the first time ever I actually begged god for this surgery, to help me with the classes and help me get through this because I CANT DO THIS ALONE ANYMORE....................................................

Hi Emily I totally know what you are going through. I started my WLS journey in May of 2003 and didn't have surgery until December of 2004. I thought it would never be my turn. I even went several weeks without posting or visiting this site because it just became too much for me to read everyone else posting surgical dates, weight loss achievements, etc. and it made me jealous and angry! It seemed the longer I waited, the more painful the realities of my obesity became. Don't ever feel bad or be sorry that you put yourself and your health first. You may feel guilty about it because you are used to doing for others before yourself. Sometimes, you have to make yourself the priority so you can be there for others. It IS your time, and you are not selfish for wanting to be healthier. Hang in there and let us know when you need support and extra hugs. Your time WILL come, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Hang in there, and keep your eye on the prize! ~ Trish

I understand. I felt the same way last year. The darn surgery just wouldn't get here! When it does, hang on, it is a roller coaster afterwards. Maybe, try to journal in your AMOS profile all you are feeling now. It helps. And it may help others too. I journaled alot and now I look back at it and I am so glad I did. It is funny, heartbreaking and exciting. Every day brings you closer to you wls and each pre op test too. Many blessings! ~Tina~

Emily, There is nothing wrong with asking God to help you - Really, He wants us to dump our problems on his shoulders. Also, I don't mean to be nosey, but if you haven't talked with a mental health doc, perhaps you should think about it. I found such relief from the misery I was living in when I finally thought, "I can't take one more day of my life this way" and called a psychiatrist. There is nothing wrong with, and it's not a weakness, to ask for help - from God above and from those on this planet who can help you. My mother told me about 10 years ago when I was sinking into a hole trying to do too much for everyone but me, "Learn to be selfish, and I don't mean by eating the last pork chop" Also dear, stand in front of the mirror and practice getting comfortable saying "No thanks, I'm sorry, NO!, I'm afraid that isn't possible, I'll have to think about and get back to you." I learned this only a few years ago, but I live by it now - *You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it* People might be a bit shocked at first when you say "sorry, no can do", but if they are worthwhile friends they'll get over it, and more than likely applaud you. Unfortunately for most of us, we are the only ones who will take care of US. And when you are depressed it feels like a MAJOR effort just to get out of bed and start the coffee. And the thought of taking care of anything is so overwhelming, it just pushes us down deeper into the pit of depression. Getting help with your depression, if you have it, would more than likely make it much easier to get through this year of waiting. And just think, you'd already have a psych history built up. When I went for my psych eval for WLS, the doc (who was different from my own psych doctor) was very pleased that I was currently being treated for depression and doing so well with it. Hugs & good wishes, K

Emily - we all can sympathize we've all been there...some wait longer than others. All your frustrations we've felt and praying to God was a part of it. I was gonna ask have you checked into looking at other doctors who may not have all these requirements? Or is the insurance making the requirements? I was "lucky" that the insurance nor doc had much requirements except 2 letters and a stress test...though I did have a long history with my PCP who was on board with me in regards to the surgery. If this is no an option...then I guess you must wait..and that is not easy...I'm desperately looking for a new job and I feel the same desperation about getting it...i want it NOW..but as you - wait I must. My prayers are with you!!

sending thoughts love and hugs your way