Update on husband leaving me.

I just posted this on the main board...felt like I should copy it here. Well, I went and saw a lawyer yesterday...I brushed up on my rights. I then went and saw my PCP this morning and got Lexapro and Zanax for my stress and depression issues that have been going on for years. I feel better inside, heart still feels like breaking but honestly feeling better. I have gotten a little sleep since Thursday but still no food...I know I know but I am so upset that I vomit back up if I try, I have done protein shakes though. I talked to my husband today about our issues, what I am doing to fix myself. He said he can't open up again and it would be unfair if he came back saying he could and can't. It was a long discussion, I was calm and collective, thank you Zanax. I told him that I am working on myself and if he don't want to try again, that is his problem...I will not own that. He said he is a different person and I agreed but told him I love him. But of course I think he hasn't opened up to me in a long time, he just goes deeper and deeper into playing his online game. Finally, I said ok, lets talk legal....we are going to try to do uncontested divorce. He first said he wanted split custody but I told him I didn't like that idea...he said he will agree to what is best for Kate and not be selfish. He did say if we have split custody he will pay me extra money per week for Kate if the there is no child support or low amounts. We agreed that on Wednesday this week I will get my own account and take half of his check after the bills are paid. That I am to continue to pay all the bills from the account til we can afford the court papers which will be awhile. We both agreed it don't hurt to be married no rush on divorce. We also agreed that both of us wouldn't date til the divorce is finally...my last divorce was mess because of relationship flaunting. We said we were friends in the beginning and should continue to be friends. But we left it at this...that we still love each other but he can't trust me enough to open his heart to me again, afraid I will hurt him with my emotional outbursts. But those outburst are of course caused by his lack of emotional support and ignoring stuff, and that is his problem, not mine. So we left it at, if he feels like he can trust me again ever...we will try work things out. I feel really good about this outcome, even though it means divorce. Thank you all for your support and comments...they helped a lot! Hugs all Tracey

tracy we are all hare for you. no matter day or night.

Thank you so much Heather...I know I can count on all of you guys. Hugs Tracey

Hi Tracey, My visits to the board have been sporadic, so I didn't know about your problems. I am so sorry, and sending hugs and good thoughts your way. Lexapro is fabulous, really gives you the clarity to sort the issues. Hang in there, hon. Kristen

Thank you so much Kristen. I am glad I got the meds today and I am going to be strong and be better after this...I feel like my old self already. Hugs Tracey

Tracey, I'm glad you talked to an attorney, and that you & your hubby have agreed on financal terms - that being said, I would ask your attorney to draw up a simple legal "temporary" financial agreement stating the things you agreed about. Without that, your hubby can back out of anything he agreed to verbally and leave you holding the bag for bills and short of money to live on. Most lawyers will draw up something like this for a small fee. If you're trying to save $$, check with your local legal aid office. Also, I'm not sure of Florida's laws, but in some states, the amount of child support is calculated based on a set formula. Don't short change yourself or your daughter by agreeing to something without your attorney's approval. I hate to sound like such a vindictive "witch" but I've seen too many women totally burned by agreeing to financial terms without legal representation. Hang in there! Vickie J.

Thanks again Vickie. I have a lawyer that can draw up those papers, he is our families lawyer helps us with our house issues. Florida is calculated but in split custody from what I was told by the Attorney that if 40% is with him I get cut in CS. And I told him that today that is when he said he would give me extra to help out. Even though he is leaving us he is worried because I am in school and don't work...I haven't worked in 10 years. I am coming up with lots of ideas in my head to make it all right. I don't want the kids to be all over the place. I have 2 kids with normal visitation...every other weekend and Wednesdays...why can't he agree to that too. I understand he wants to see her but it would be hard on her not seeing her brother and sister. She gets upset enough when they leave now on weekends. I can't imagine my 2 kids gone then Kate leaving on Sunday til like Wednesday..that is 5 days without her brother and sister who she loves so much. It will all work out for the best..I will make sure of that now...I am Miss Clear thinker now. Tracey

I'm not sure of the age of your daughter (isn't she pre-school?). Having worked in an elementary school I can tell you what a pain the behind true "joint" custody is for the kids! In Tally, that usually means 1 week with 1 parent, the next week with the other parent, and on & on. Many times the "other" parent has the permission slip needed for a field trip, or a textbook or library book is left at the "other" house, etc. One parent has to be designated to receive report cards b/c they don't print duplicates (of course, the teacher may be asked to photo copy & mail it to the "other" parent)..... you get the idea. I've seen some parents work VERY hard to make it work, and others who tried but just couldn't seem to handle it and some who just plain ole did it so he/she didn't have to pay as much child support - the heck with what it did to the kids. As much as I'm sure he would miss seeing his daughter every day, I hope he'll stop & think about what is best for her - especially since she has siblings she would miss so much. Hopefully, you guys will be able to work things out, but if not I hope he'll remember the most important person a divorce is the child and do what is best for her. Hugs! Vickie

As the saying goes " it aint over till the fat lady sings". It sounds like you are giving up and resigining yourself to the inevetibility of divorce. Think positive. There is still love here, and that means hope. You can't solve everything in a week...so why pu**** This is a time for you to really make changes in yourself and your home. You can win this man back tracey....just dont give up. Its understandable that he is waiting to see if these changes are true or just temporary. Remember, actions speak louder than words. it will take time for these medications to work for you, and it takes time for you through counselling to work through new behaviors and take ownership for the bad ones. Takes time for habits to change. You have time....you have love....and determination. This can be saved, and it would be best for all of you to not go through another divorce. I know you've made it through once before, but who wants to go through it again. Its horrible. You two are good for eachother, and you need eachother. Just love this man tracey, and learn to love yourself too. Don't put up your tough walls of " I'm alone again and I have to have everything in control". Remember too much control over him and lack of control over your behavior helped get you here. Yes, the problem lies in both of you, but you cannot change him, only yourself. So what I am saying, is don't move too fast. Don't push him away, perhaps stop talking divorce and seeing lawyers.....things are so fresh yet. Don't give up!!!!!!! praying for you, Tami (hugs)

I hear you Tami. I asked him out to dinner for tonight since it is our 6th anniversary of being together. I told him I hadn't eaten in days and would like to go out with him and eat. He said wasn't a good idea. I am leaving the ball in his court that is how I ended the conversation...he is welcome home anytime to work things out. I said to him when he sees the changes more and more he may want to try, I told him I am willing to give him that anytime if he changes his mind. I know we need each other right now, he don't see that. I can't change his mind with words. He will see how I am dealing and moving on and healing and maybe he will want to be part of it and maybe he won't. He told me tonight he can't agree to anything because it isn't fair to me to wait on him. I am not putting up tough walls...there is an open door there. He is the first person to talk to a lawyer which scared me...he did it more then a week ago. I have to have my ducks in a row also just in case, I can't be blindsided again. We can't afford the papers for awhile, he said he is in no rush to get them since money is tight and don't hurt to be married. So time is on my side right now. I am not giving up. Hugs Tracey